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I wish my parents didn't love me...

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lostonearth35
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06 Mar 2021, 11:16 pm

Because if they didn't, it would make it easier for me to to horrible things to people and then kill myself instead of choosing to go on living in this disgusting world. Of course I will never tell them that. I've never told anyone until now. And they're not not going to be around much longer anyway. And after they're gone my whole life will be over anyway. I should have died after I became a teenager, I have no reason to be an adult. I've wasted my whole life.



AprilR
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07 Mar 2021, 7:18 am

I often have this type of thoughts too. I feel like i am living just for my parents. I don't know what i will do after they pass away.



SpottedMushroom
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07 Mar 2021, 6:22 pm

I'm really sorry you feel that way. Nothing I could say would be helpful but I do feel for you.



CollegeGirlAnon
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09 Mar 2021, 10:21 am

Are you wishing they abused you as a child or just did not love you?

Because while it might seem nice to be psychopathic (my words for what you seem to want to feel, I could be wrong), and it might be ok at lower levels.

It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

I hope this posts reaches you well, and I may be totally off.

And I hope you feel better by now.


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Edna3362
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09 Mar 2021, 10:41 am

It's something I could partially relate to.


In another time, it's in these written thoughts I summoned from memory; perhaps as old as I could recall and as recent as less than 3 years.

Show Spoiler
Had my parents don't love me enough, I would've ran away. Fend for myself and tell the world to stop chasing me.
But I know they won't. They will chase me. They will cage me back. They will entangle me further.


I was imagining the idea of being free -- from the dynamics, from the entanglement, from the complication...

Being free from the guilt of loving someone undeserving like me -- who may not able and even willing to it give back.
Being free from the guilt that someone loving me too much by being hurt for me because of what I may do or do not do.
Being free from the guilt of breaking someone's heart and be judged as selfish because of it.

I wish I were more selfish. I wish I do not care.
I wish they are selfish. I wish they do not care.
So there will not be any guilt. Only justification for it.


I wish they are strangers instead. So I'd always be extra careful for them, so I'd be on my guard and do not falter.

Strangers need not to put up with me, but those who love me enough do.
Strangers need not to know what is up with me, but those who love me will insist knowing.

Strangers are to be accommodated and with distance, but those who love me accomodates me and I cannot serve them back.
Strangers would likely to just forget whatever antics I've done, but those who care enough won't forget -- I want people to forget.

Strangers are inconsequential. Those are not, do.
Strangers won't miss me, but those who love me will. I want to leave.

I don't wanna drag anyone onto anything.
Or that I don't want to care enough to want to let anyone be dragged onto anything.


I don't know how much I'd still consider these thoughts and feelings so.
Perhaps a part of me haven't been truly got over it, which is likely in times when I'm in a darker places and states.



The only difference was that...
If my parents are gone... My life won't be over, but it'll just begun instead.

There won't be an anchor for me. There won't be this reliable net or source.
But there won't be a lot to tie me onto a place either.

I'd just be aimless. Or go full speed on places I want to reach. I won't know until it happens.


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