I really miss my mom

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Ever since my mom died ive felt lost and lonely, and in pain that I can't describe. despite how tough and hard I appear on this forum truth is all of that is just a persona, an act and cover I wear that I was raised to wear to hide weakness; truth is even im human and cant escape the feelings of pain and loss since she left. I still imagine myself as that little boy being hugged and kissed by his mom, and I wish she was in my life still. since she's left ive lost myself, numbing the pain by acting tough and hard, pushing on with anger and pain buried beneath that tough demeanor, but that pain is still there

A girl proposed to me yesterday, and for the 1st time in my life in a long time long suppressed emotions and feelings are coming out, and it hits hard that my mom won't be there to witness this.

im supposed to be 23, yet im still emotionally in pain from my mom being gone.

Your mother is probably loving it that you might get married.

((( hugs salad )))

Bereavement is really difficult. I know you aren't keen on counsellors so I'm not sure you'd consider grief therapy, but how about journalling? Could you write thoughts, memories, questions, and reflections for her / you? Journalling helps me in trauma therapy and also with the loss of my dad who was my hero. You may find that just talking about her to people helps you to express some of those emotions.

(offering virtual hugs if wanted, not offended or anything if they aren’t)

Still feeling pain about the loss of your mother is not weakness, it’s proof of the strength of your love for her.

I'm sorry you are having these keen feelings of loss, but having them and expressing them is a necessary part of dealing with the loss of your mother. I imagine she must have been a wonderful person.

Your mother would have wanted you to be happy. Not about losing her, but just in general your lot in life. Try to remember that.