Frustrated with the decisions I make

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I don't know why but I seem to be frustrated with the decisions I make when it comes to, for example, being invited to a social gathering, well if there wasn't a pandemic, I'd go but it feels to me as though going to a party, or a restaurant at the moment just heightens anxiety for me and if I was there I'd be avoiding close contact and wearing a mask and stuff, I never used to be like this and I then start feeling like I'm missing out by not doing it despite having chosen not to go because being in social environment like a pub when a virus is going around makes me not want to go.

If you've been fully vaccinated then you shouldn't be too worried about catching the virus. It's better than having no vaccines. I'm socialising more now.

An old expression comes to mind that goes "You're d@mned if you do, & you're d@mned if you don't". I think that should be the motto for the hew-mon species nowadays. I've been to various family gatherings until I moved out of my parents at 30 & I was ready to leave as soon as I ate but I had to wait till my parents were ready to leave If I decided to stay home instead of going my mom would gripe about how I should go cuz I needed to see my family & it's not healthy to live like a hermit. If I'd stay home I would feel bad about not going but when I would go my mom would give me a speech on the way there about how I need to talk to people. I would try talking to a few people when I'd get there but they wouldn't really want to talk to me so I end up just hanging by myself & browsing my email or something on my phone until we left. Then on the way home mom would complain about how I was rude & offensive & stuff It's impossible for me not to get b!tched at if I'd go or not go. I would regret going but I'd also regret not going. Thankfully I now live thousands of miles from my parents & the only family I have anywhere close to me are my girlfriend & her family & they tend to be a lot more tolerate & accepting than my family is of me. I was not the black sheep of my family, I was the chameleon. I would blend in to the background & people barely even noticed me. My mom would notice me & care way more than anyone else would. I haven't been to gathering with my family in at least 6 years thou I have seen my parents some & seen a couple other relatives 1ce in a while when visiting my parents. Rite after I moved out of my parents, some family drama went down & my name was dragged in the mud so the speak along with my mom so she started keeping her distance from them. I was basically made the scapegoat for some stuff because I was helping out with things before I left & other family members got mad about having to step up more cuz my mom did not want to take on the extra stuff that I had been doing on top of what she was doing cuz of her health issues. I was an easy target since I was no longer there to defend myself

Damned if you do, damned if you don't
Damned if you will, damned if you won't
Damned if you can, damned if you can't
Damned if you shall, damned if you shan't

Yep, I know that feeling. You force yourself to turn up to these social events because you know that if you don't go you'll just feel like you're alienating yourself, but when you try to make conversation and chat to people they don't like it because "they weren't talking to you" or "you keep following them" or "you must wait until you are spoken to" and all that s**t that applies to Aspies only, not NTs. If you're an NT and you make an effort to mingle, people like you, you get accepted and you make friends. When you're neurodiverse and you make an effort to mingle, you're being rude, intrusive, creepy, or annoying - even if you know to be casual and friendly (smiling, making eye contact, small talk, etc). Then people wonder why we're shy.