Empathy in Aspie Females

Post Reply New Topic

This is just a question I have for other females diagnosed with Asperger's.

How much do you feel you are able to reason and empathize in social situations, and how much are you able to articulate your own emotions in words?

I'll explain why I am curious:

Lately, I have had doubts about my diagnosis. I definitely suffer from some kind of psychotic illness and perhaps some kind of mood disorder. I had been led to believe that illnesses such as Schizophrenia, and Schizoeffective Disorder, could not be diagnosed in someone with Asperger's; I thought it had to be either one or the other. I came to the conclusion that I wasn't an Aspie.

Lately, I spoke to a friend who claims that the "Schizo" illnesses are quite common in conjunction with Asperger's.

So it seems as though I could have both.

The thing is, most people who know me think it is very unlikely that I am an Aspie; as I am able to empathize in ways that they believe to be beyond the capability of any Autistic-Spectrum person.

Are these doubts are justified, or do they underestimate the abilities of people with Asperger's?

One thing I should mention: What has caused me to doubt my earlier doubts about my diagnosis are my memories of childhood. I was always completely lost when it came to understanding the intentions and feelings of other people. I often upset my friends without realizing what I was doing to hurt them. It is as though I have gradually learned all I know about friendship, instead of knowing these things instinctually (as I assume most children do.) Although, I suppose, other disorders could explain this behaviour.

You've probably just learned it. The reason I think you have AS or similar disorder is because of that. From what I've seen, been told, and read, NTs have that ability unconsciously. They don't need to learn it, and as you didn't have a clue in your childhood as you said, you must have had to learn it.

I still don't understand the whole empathy thing. If I've been in the same situation as a person, I can only really relay what I did to cope, and I have no idea whether it would help that person.

If I haven't been in the same situation, sorry you'll need to talk to someone else because I can't help. I can listen, but that's all I can do.

I can't really explain my emotions in words, as I hardly ever understand them myself. All I know is if I'm feeling somewhat bad (see told you ) it is plastered all over my face and ppl ask me what's wrong. If I'm feeling ok or better, you can't tell from my face.

I obviously have not been able to understand it all yet as much as you have. But I'm twenty, there's a long way to go I guess.

I can identify with this experience rather easily (I wouldn't call it empathy); people have always told me I am very sweet and kind, but I have just always attributed that to my inability to disobey the rules of etiquette, and what I think I am supposed to do in any given emotional exchange. Someone recently told me about Alexithymia, and I thought that fit me quite accurately. You may exhibit some of these characteristics as well, from what you have said.

Then again, the concept of "empathy" is a complicated one, and not strictly emotional.



"DSM-IV DIAGNOSTIC CRITERIA FOR ASPERGER'S DISORDER

A.Qualitative impairment in social interaction, as manifested by at least two of the following:

(1) marked impairment in the use of multiple nonverbal behaviors such as eye-to-eye gaze, facial expression, body postures, and gestures to regulate social interaction
(2) failure to develop peer relationships appropriate to developmental level
(3) a lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment, interests, or achievements with other people (e.g., by a lack of showing, bringing, or pointing out objects of interest to other people)
(4) lack of social or emotional reciprocity"

Does that sound like you?

Regarding the gradual learning of proper behavior: this is perfectly normal among all humans. People learn at different rates, and no one is born completely emotionally and socially capable. They are taught these traits in infancy, through social interaction with the parent(s). Some just learn more slowly than others, as with all things. This is not to say social disorders do not exist; it is just an alternative point of view.

I tend to learn all my social cues and stuff from TV and movies, so I'm a little bit of a disaster. I do recognize that I've hurt someone's feelings ... eventually, but I'm not very good at fixing the situation. My mom always seems to cry for reasons I totally don't understand and usually I just get her the tissues or try to do something nice. Hugs and soothing words are not my strong point. Those don't happen very often in movies and TV shows.

A person can have both Schizo and AS; its entirely possible.

Empathy is a difficult one for me. I don't mean that I don't have empathy. In fact I can be overly compassionate and sympathetic, though sometimes I don't always verbally express it well. One example is when I volunteered in a preemie ICU nursery at the hospital. I had more concern for the wellbeing of those wee little ones than the nurses and CNA's did. They treated the babies like inantimate objects and dehumanized them. However, that may have been some NT way of not becoming overly attached or affected by the ones that might die. Perhaps they learn that in medical school. That might also explain why doctors appear like uncaring a$$holes and make you wonder why they got into the medical field.

However I see empathy as also being a problem. I notice in myself I will feel pity for someone else's situation to the point that I let them impact my life in a negative manner. A for instance is- pretending to be friends with someone though you can't stand them but you don't tell them bug off because you know it would hurt their feelings and because no one else will talk to them. I've not tackled that issue correctly yet.

I find I either cannot feel any empathy towards others at all...because I have no experience of what they have experienced and therefore cannot understand how it feels...

or I feel empathy but I cannot express it...something, like some barrier, stops me.

I posted this on another forum, in a thread about empathy/sympathy (so ignore any statements that might seem completely irrelevant, it's because they were aimed towards someone else):

My mum sometimes tells me I'm incapable of empathy. Well, she actually said this most often when she was still in denial about my autism... which was quite ironic, really!

I think I'm far less capable of sympathy though. I can feel sympathy and empathy for animals more than humans, but generally I don't really feel any upset about other people's problems. So if someone tells me their problems and I feel I'm expected to act sympathetic or empathetic, I tend to try to be logical. I am more able to understand people by thinking about situations I've been in that are similar, although sometimes I do have a hard time relating something I've been through to the same in another person, or realising that someone else might have felt the same way I have?

One of my internet friends has had an eating disorder. Whenever she goes on a 'diet' or speaks of throwing up after eating, I don't really care... I don't see why I should. It's her choice to do that, and although it's very unhealthy, that's down to her. And although I suppose it is sad that she has a negative body image, she is correct in thinking that she is overweight... So, because I am not as overweight as she is (I'm actually not overweight, but I'd like to be a little slimmer) I can't identify with her, and because I cannot be emotional about other people's problems I can't really be sympathetic. So my way of dealing with it is to be logical. I told her when she was throwing up after eating that she'd create more problems for herself - she'd lose weight, but probably gain it all back anyway as soon as she starts eating normally, if she does, she'd rot her teeth, she'd end up with bad skin and hair, she'd ruin her singing voice... But, to be honest, if all those things had happened, I wouldn't really have cared. There are very few people I'm emotionally attached to and I don't think I'd be too bothered if most other people actually died. But I wouldn't like my teeth to rot so I felt the information was potentially helpful.

So, basically, I tend to deal with situations where I'm probably expected to be emotionally moved by something, by just giving out advice based on things I've read. This same girl actually thinks that I am extremely caring, purely because I can churn out emotional stuff I've read. I do it because it's probably logical in an emotional sense (if that's possible?) and because my understanding of many of other people's emotions comes from reading about situations. Being a compulsive reader I'll read newspapers, even reading the problem pages. So I could describe how this girl might have felt after a particular event by using answers from those that I recalled. "You're probably feeling guilty because... but you shouldn't really because..." That kind of thing.

I have tried to tell her that that's what I'm doing because I don't like the idea that she thinks I'm more caring than I am. I'm sure that caring about people is a nice trait, but I'd rather people were under no illusions about me.

I don't think that giving advice is always appreciated. Sometimes it seems that I do annoy people because I deal with their problem very clinically. My mum is always telling me that she would like apologies or for me and my brother to display some understanding of why she gets depressed or angry about things. But I tend to 'argue' with her, or offer advice about how to better handle situations, which she then sees as me being argumentative and putting the blame onto her.

I don't think I really have any desire to be more sympathetic/empathetic towards people, though. And I'm afraid I don't know how you would go about doing so yourself.