Feeling like drifting away from humanity in general

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I've been away from these forums for a while. Decided to go back because it was the closest thing to a place where I may be able to find some common ground with people. But went through (many) topics and posts here and realised that I really do not "get you", folks. The arguments, fights, drama, animosities - it is all present, just like in "NT world", but simply structured in a different way.

As some of you may recall, I am suffering from temporal lobe epilepsy and take meds. I got into forums, groups which gather other people like me and I am f*****g wrecked by realisation just how helpless these folks are. Even taking much higher chance of early cognitive decline in this group, I cannot understand why they do not try to learn more about their condition. These places are full of snake oil salesmen preying on people believing in alt-med and pseudoscience. Admins do not kick these tools out of the groups because they are into this stuff too. In group of over 10 000 people, some have started looking up to me as a kind of "big pharma" agent while others treat me almost like a demi-god of sorts, just because I proactively hunt for most recent information in scientific papers (courtesy of sci-hub), provide references to back up my claims and try to debunk alt-med nonsense with facts. So there are are people who act like a pissed off chihuahua whenever I post something and those who are praising me unconditionally. But no one to have an actual, deep exchange of perspectives with. No one who gives the matter the same level of thought. I quit all of these places because of this today. The only thing they've brought me was mourning of other people's ignorance. I am tired of it.

Last weekend we've been invited to come over to a house of my older daughter's friend from kindergarten. He is a new kid, one who shows all signs of AS and have very tough time socialising. His parents moved him from one kindergarten to another, which is more AS-friendly. My kid (proud of her) is most likely lightly on the spectrum too and she is the first child, putting the boy's younger sister aside, with whom he successfully socialises with and whom he speaks about at home. Folks were desperate to get some connection with us, for the boy's sake. I'm okay with that. They try, they really try. They take their kid to psychologist, social skills training, sensory integration training. But at the same time, they know very little about what their kid is dealing with and what they are dealing with. We spoke about these challenges, but conversation quickly changed into me giving them a lecture on things they could easily find information about. It thought that we'll have a lot of stuff to discuss, but their level of knowledge has proven to be shallow. I haven't learned anything new from them. We changed topics after that.

The woman worked in one of corporation which operate in my city, but quit the job to take better care of the boy. He is 5 years old now and she is thinking about getting back to work. But not in corporate again. Instead, she is thinking about going for postgraduate studies in field of her interest and then pursuing a career in that. What is her interest? Psychology, out of all things. This woman has been living with an AS child for five years now and barely knows anything about the condition. During course of conversation, it became apparent that she is having no idea what ADD is. Psychology is her hobby, she claims, yet her knowledge of the field is so damn shallow. I do not even consider psychology worthy of being called science and have a high degree of scepticism towards the field, but I know way more about it.

Tried to speak with the guy. He is a web developer, I forgot in which language he codes. But it was one I haven't heard about before, so I was curious to learn more. I have started to ask questions, if there are similarities to C or C++, if it is an object-oriented programming language, what are practical applications of it, how efficient it is at certain tasks. The guy could barely tell me anything. It is his job, his field of expertise, ffs. And yet, his approach is "look, I simply code what I am asked to code".

But they both were eager to talk about some irrelevant stuff like how many apples they gathered from trees growing in their garden last year. At least kids got along and had fun. Oh, wife too - she looked entertained. That counts for something.

My kid have a friend living in the same apartment blocks. We are going on one week getaway with her and her parents. I am feeling dread at the very thought of it. Woman is all over the place, constantly obsessed how other people perceive her. She hates exercising, but attends gym anyway, because she doesn't want to look unattractive next to her husband. She's one big pile of inferiority complex. I know her for a over a year already, but never had any conversation about anything other than other people's lives. Her husband isn't a bad guy. He is, once again, shallow at his interests. He says that he does have many hobbies, but he isn't really aware about anything more nuanced in any of them. He is a healthy food junkie, as he describes himself, claims that he reads ingredients on every product he purchases, but he has not bothered to learn what the food additives are, what are their function and what are their effects on human health. For example, he stated that he doesn't consume monosodium glutamate at all because it is poison and he feels way better since he made that decision and when his body is clean of it.

I proceeded to explain that it is impossible as it is just a glutamic acid salt, which dissociates to acid and sodium cation in water. And that glutamic acid is one of basic amino-acids which build all proteins. That it is also a pretty important neurotransmitter and his brain wouldn't function without. And that when it comes to additive, he would need to eat the crystallised thing with spoons to have any negative effects on his health. That he is simply experiencing placebo effects.

His reaction was simply "uh, huh" and he changed subjects. I do not know how I'll last a week in a company of these people.

It is always like that with people for me. Whenever I learn that they are into something, it turns out that in reality they do not know sh*t about it and I cannot learn anything meaningful from them.

Then there's my wife. I still receive a ton of support from her and there's chemistry. But it looks like she is tired of me, more day by day. That her mind wants to wander towards mundane, simple things. Yeah, we've been through a lot these past few years. But girl I've fell in love with could have conversations about interesting stuff she learned through her past life (she travelled a lot and knows ton of stuff about many different cultures), philosophy, listen to things I've been explaining to her, giving them thought and asking smart questions. These days I feel she barely pays attention to world outside of our small, local bubble. I got attracted to a hungry mind which I could feed and which feed my own hungry mind in return. There is no such exchange any more.

I've lost the only friend I had this year - we have drifted apart. As it often happened in my life. Conversations ran dry.

It was always kind of like that, but never as pronounced.

I am taking meds which make me function better than in the past. I've returned to who I was before disease struck. Or maybe become someone different. I feel like I am operating at a higher level of efficiency when it comes to perceiving things, with way more clarity. I returned to a state in which I barely use internal language to think, instead relying on conglomerates of many different sensory and logical constructs. It is pain in the ass to translate this to language. I cannot even properly channel what this means, because words, writing and speech are so god damned inefficient, imprecise and vague means of data transfer. It is tiresome for me to work nowadays, seeing that I work as a copywriter. I struggle to communicate with people in real-time, because I must first make what I want to transfer "digestible" for them.

I swear, I would slay a goat a day and offer it to dark lords (if such things would exist) for a brain to brain interface allowing for instantaneous, efficient form of communication.

I am sitting, writing this down and listening to beautiful performance of A Phiuthrag ’s a Phiuthar song by Julie Fowlis. I do not feel depressed, I do not have any suicidal thoughts. But it is almost like I am that girl from the song - locked up away from its own kind in strange place by beings I cannot fully understand. Feeling grief, longing to something more adequate. But there is no hut of the fairies. There's only my own mind, in which I am trapped. The skull, the body, my cage, in which I'll live rest of my life and which will become my coffin, when my self will finally wither away and crumble into dust.

I guess that it is a farewell. Goodbye, people.