Being Yourself.

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For years I was always trying my best to fit in and failing miserably. I was trying to be the person others wanted me to be when it was like trying to fit a round peg into a square hole!
It took me three or four decades to say to myself "Stuff this! I am going to be me, and if you don't like it, tough!"
This gave me a big sense of relief. It didn't solve the problems with connecting and it did not happen just like that, as I am still finding myself masking... But so what if I talk too much because I don't want to lose my train of thought when I open up.
So what if I do other autistic things associated with me! I should not feel guilty! If I bore someone silly and they politely walk away, I have not lost anything. They don't feel bad towards me so why should I blame myself?
Is when we realize that we should not worry about who we are or trying to be someone we are not, but just forgiving ourselves and enjoying who we are without condemning ourselves. Have a chuckle when I watch someone getting bored as I infodump! After all. When I was young I hardly spoke a word! Come on world! I have talking to catch up with!

It's still a struggle for me. I've had a life (at times) of being made fun, getting yelled at, corrected, and everything I seemed to do was wrong. At 44 it's gotten better but I still have my walls up so to speak, as more of a defense mechanism. In a Nutshell I was taught how to mask, without even knowing what was until my 40s! No wonder I suffer from workplace burnout and burnout on the world.

I am done apologizing and feeling guilty for being who I am. Those days are over.

I'm not inhibited enough to be anyone but myself.

I heard Derren Brown say that the most common regret people have on their deathbeds is that they wish they'd lived their lives more for themselves instead of trying to be people pleasers. (I paraphrase)

Personally, I'm not always sure how to distinguish between unhealthy fitting in and the use of courtesy / generosity for mutual co-existence with others. It's obvious at the extremes, but it can be hard to be certain in borderline cases. Of course it's good when it comes natural to like helping others, but when you don't feel like it, where do you draw the line between helping them and helping yourself?

Myself is all I can be.

I find socializing much easier when I wear female clothes. I have a small petite hourglass figure.
When I wore male clothes folks would have difficulty figuring out my gender.
I'm sure it would help to be taller and gain weight, but the doctors don't have any practical way of fixing that.

People pleasing is so so so hard for me to unlearn...

Currently I refuse to be anyone but myself on principle. And because I can't. For a few years in high school I tried to pretend to be "normal" in an effort to make NT friends and it was a disaster. Now I always be myself and I get along well with autists and I couldn't care less what NTs think.