I remember that I saw a movie about a person: ∞, 2, 1

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I saw a weird movie. In it, I used to be a person. I had a name that felt like me. I would happily tell it to people when they asked and enjoyed seeing their response to it since it's slightly unique. I no loner have a name, but I knew that name deep inside me for a while. It was who I was. That person did things. They enjoyed life. They loved to learn, and evermore so teaching others. One of their most cherished social interactions was having deep conversations about complex subjects. This used to create a sense of wonder and connection with people and the world. That character seems far removed that not only do I not know whose reflection is in the mirror, I don't even look anymore. It's not even purposeful. The mirror is instinctively repulsive. But I still can remember parts of the character in the movie if I try.

They were very silly. They laughed a lot and did outrageous things. They cared deeply about others, always cheering for the underdog, while trying to forgive and understand those that had hurt. They made a career out of their purpose to help others. These others were the ones that offered it all and suffered the consequences of it for the rest of us. This character would tell people that their paycheck was seeing others they helped grow, while the financial compensation was what would let him continue engaging in his purpose. I remember that part of the movie if I try. I liked that part a a lot. What I guess I didn't realize while watching the movie was how much this person had to overcome and sacrifice in themselves just to get there. It almost seemed like it was just another part of the story, and not something to consider. Or maybe it was just this person's character to not focus on sacrifice and loss, but to focus on hope, growth, and sharing. Wowww. I remember that part of the character now. That's what they used to be like. There was a line in the movie that the person used in their profile once that I still haven't forgotten: To make the world a better place, you have to be better than the world. I really like that because I think it encompasses their actions of overlooking the sacrifice to focus on the contributions. They knew that to make the world better, they would end up giving more than receiving. An ultimate loss on the surface. Yet, they somehow made it a personal gain anyway. It was interestingly how the character at the time had no idea they were like that. It was the most natural thing to them.

Of course they had their issues like everyone else. But like with all people, they would learn from their mistakes. If they couldn't learn from their mistakes, they would seek help from others that professed the knew. I don't remember the character developing malicious plans with the intent of significantly hurting others or destroying anyone's life for pleasure. The movie also had its tragedies. The character I'm covering was actually the second version. The childhood version died in early adulthood due to some extreme events that actually resulted in the physical loss of untold numbers. I'm actually impressed with the character's ability to not only survive, but somehow rebirth themselves into a better version. Omg I have forgotten about all of that. That was awesome. I see it now.

Unfortunately, this person is definitively dead. They slowly poisoned and sabotaged his mind to death. There was no stopping their demise because the perpetrators were skilled at taking advantage of his neurological deficiencies and strong value of forgiveness that his adoptive mother taught him not only by word but by living it herself. The killers used professionally trained skills over many years to develop and coordinate a long elaborate plan, and they absolutely get credit for their dedication and patience. Yet, even though they killed him, I'm at least proud that that is what it took. There were also positives to this though. While they were focused on him, they were leaving others alone. And even though he lost, the perpetrators will live with their decisions one way or another because they didn't merely beat him, but they took him away from everyone he would have helped and made happier. I guess that's a cost the were willing to have the others pay? Someone that I shared a part of the movie with asked me why people would do that to the character. I still haven't been able to figure it out. I can't understand why someone would do that. Maybe that's part of the mystery of life and death. One part brings life; the other part brings death. Each side plays it role and it doesn't go beyond that. Yes or no. In or out. Do or do not. Alive or dead. Perhaps that's what the movie was all about since the character would often come up with it as a recurring theme. There is and there isn't. The future was infinite possibilities. The present was either happening (alive) or not (death). And the past was written.

I apologize if this doesn't make sense. I can't comprehend the whole thing at once. It doesn't fit. My brain is broken, and my thoughts and feelings are far away.

I think you have written a heartfelt obituary about him. All true. I understand. It wasn’t his fault at all. And when he left so did a large piece of the goodness in the world.

I feel that every day too.