I don't even know what I'm looking for anymore

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I've never been married or been intimate with a woman. I was in a relationship once, but she was abusive and only interested in me because my disabilities made me vulnerable to manipulation. That relationship ended 16 years ago, and no other woman has wanted to date me in all those years.

I am now over 40, and I don't feel attracted to women my own age anymore. That doesn't mean that I want a 20 year old girlfriend now, but rather that I lament never dating anyone when I was young and now it's too late. The point was to find someone to grow old with, but instead I grew old alone.

In general, I find that I have nothing in common with people my age. They have families and established careers in mortgages, while I still live like a college student. But on the other hand, I can't fit in with people half my age, either. Trying to makes look and feel like some weird pervert. Women my age have been through marriage and divorce and have kids who are already graduating high school. The disparity in life experience is too big. Additionally, single parents typically prefer dating other single parents. Many women even see the fact that I've never married by my age as a red flag.

what's your question

I never said there's a question. Just feeling empty, like I've already lost.

Having been on both sides of the fence, we overestimate the importance of being in a relationship based on FOMO. In the situation you find yourself my advice is keep things simple. By all means look for a partner (no point fighting the biological urge) but concurrently don't forget "you". Your personal growth as a human being is not reliant on other people. A big mistake I made when I was younger is I neglected my own personal development at the expense of countless hours ruminating and dreaming.

Nothing overcomplicated, just find small self-fulfilling activities to occupy your spare time. A good place to meet new people is learning new hobbies or skills where there is a higher chance of running into a like minded person.