Masking by being quiet

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I do that. I used to just be outspoken and say a lot of things. I'd be way too honest. I was the reason my teacher had to explain what a parasite was. I had a huge argument with a teacher because they said we wouldn't know how to pronounce tongue if we read it. I got really upset. I used to be very outwardly mad. I remember getting really mad at my teacher because I couldn't finish a chapter of a book I was reading. I'd also sneak books that were for higher grades. I'd tell people random facts in the middle of class.

I got in huge arguments. I'd run away. I'd refuse to do things I was supposed to. Now I'm the same but on the inside. I'm really quiet. People think I'm shy but it's actually how I mask. When I get too comfortable I tend to overshare, tell people way too many anecdotes, not make as much eye contact, get argumentative etc.

I feel like If I'm quiet, people have less reason to dislike me. I can read social cues but sometimes I just really want to talk about my interests. It's like a loop sometimes. Or I am "intense". I can be too much for certain people. Now I only unmask around people I know won't be mad or make fun of me.

Yet I have all the inner feelings but keep them hidden. It gets bad and sometimes I unmask around the wrong people like talking rapidly to them, interrupting by accident etc. I even struggle around other autistic people..some. other autistic people get annoyed by me because I talk too much, get in their space too much by accident, get defensive sometimes etc..I feel bad. So I try to be more aware and stay quiet unless I think about it thoroughly. But it's not who I am.

It's a great subject. Yes, I masked by being quiet, but today I choose from time to time
to remain quiet so as to not draw attention to my autism. The former was unconsciously driven (pre Dx) the latter a conscious choice (post Dx)

I am drawn to the contemplative life because that's where I feel God's presence most abundantly. So silence can be both an ascape and also an encounter.

Warmly,

Chris.

At school I masked by being quiet. I was shy anyway and hated being the center of attention by lots of people, so that was why I slinked into the background and tried to just be good. This is why I didn't get diagnosed with ADHD until adulthood.