Sometimes I get so depressed I can't feel anything physically. The world feels unreal and I shake, can't move, and I start thinking I'm someone else who is speaking through me. Literally like I know who they are because they've appeared to me. I sometimes don't recognize myself in the mirror. I'll think I'm supposed to be a man. This man is full of anger. He wants to be seen. Yet he never is which just makes him even angrier. He influences how I dress and it takes me on a wild ride. He influences my behavior sometimes, my thoughts, etc.
I cannot get rid of him. He's very convincing and friendly. I don't hear him irl. He appears in my dreams as a safe person. I'm honestly a bit freaked out because it's been happening for over 10 years. He predicts things, gives me advice, shows me bad things, encourages bad behavior, encourages good behaviour, causes me to instantly lucid dream, etc. I honestly live my life based on what he wants. Which can mean getting angry, dressing very strangely, doing risky things, feeling extremely disconnected, etc.
I don't feel like I exist sometimes. I feel out of it or anxious a lot. He gets so angry but only around certain people. He causes me to storm out and not be able to stop coming back. He causes me to feel "Empty". I know he's a mental thing yet I can't let go. I used to think he was a demon or something cause he made me sign something after being in an attic with occult books. Yet I don't think those things exist.
I just wish I could stop being so scared and just be more disconnected from him.
Yesterday, 8:13 am
