One Month into College

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I’ve got no friends.

I talk to 2-3 people irregularly so there isn’t much I can say about whether or not we’re friends, acquaintances, or passersby. There isn’t much time to develop our bonds either; they’ve got evening classes, all my classes end in the afternoon.

My roommate is an actual brain killer. She does not speak to me—I’m the kind of person that needs thorough conversations because, selfishly, they mirror the kinds of conversations that happen in my head. I can’t really talk to myself publicly because I’ll get looked at like some kind of crazy. So far, I talk to her; she doesn’t answer in complete sentences, only “okay”, and she doesn’t answer not want to hang out with me or interact with me.

She knows more about me than I know about her and she once told me briefly about her trusting people she’d only known for one week but she won’t be open with me even though we’ve been together for a month now?

She’s lied about many stupid things like her “not having the desire to drink alcohol” but she always comes back to our residence hall hammered. Isn’t that strange?

Quietness overwhelms me, and I can feel certain kinds of quietness and the quietness that emanates from her body is very harsh and angry. That’s all I get, anger.

She once invited me to sit with her and her friends once at a dining hall and as soon as I sat down everyone went silent. I left five minutes after because I’ve been through situations like that and unsurprisingly, they all got very loud and chatty after I left.

I feel so horrible. I’ve tried talking to people. I’ve tried limiting myself so intensely to the point of my heart and brain hurting because I am not being myself at all, just because I want to make friends.

I don’t know why I perceive the world this way : stares scare me, silence scares me, shifting bodies and fleeting smirks just make me believe I’m the cause of this negative body language. It always happens when I talk to others, when I ask simple questions like “do you know where I can find ‘x’?”

I’ve tried asking questions. I have to have an answer to everything and if I don’t have answers I start to feel worried and anxious. I do not like lies, I don’t like social fallacy. So far, college is a little not great, especially the situation with my roommate.