Dear Eric,
My sweet old friend, you're an idiot. When you find the person that resonates so hard as to toss your comfy little life into chaos and turmoil just by existing in the same space as you, that's connection. When you lose that person and find them again, that is a wake up call. Everything else is just distraction. You should have left the one that gave you comfort for the one who gave you hope. But you tried to linger somewhere in the middle, to keep an emotional grasp on the promise of me even as you clung to the safety of her. You were not happy being who you needed to be to sustain that relationship, or you would never have reached for me.
I watched you going mad slowly. You knew what you had to do to live the life that you wanted with the person who saw into the fissures and cracks in the depths of your beautiful and strange mind. I was the promise of what could be, but you knew this pain wasn't about me; it was about you. Because I saw you, the real you, the man you longed to be.
I will always love you because of who you are, not because of who you pretend to be, You are an ineffable force of nature disguised as 'one of the guys,' always trying to make yourself look smaller, weaker, less scary, less chaotic, less strange, shhhhh. I know you wanted me to convince you to leave. I know you wanted me to give you a reason, but it wouldn't have been the right reason. You needed to be free. You've always needed to be free, for your own reason. I was the wrong reason. I saw you losing yourself in this battle, believing wrongly that this was about 'her or me.'
I knew you had lost the battle when you bought two tickets to Miseryville and wrote my name on one of them. There was no saving you from what you were planning, other than slapping you so hard you couldn't see straight, but I didn't have the heart to hurt you, so I stole my ticket and hopped on that train alone. It hurt more than you will ever know. You probably convinced yourself that I'm the one that got away, that I stole away from you like some bad romance novel character, and I guess I did. But it was the only way to guide you back toward your reason, the right reason. Maybe someday, you will be free. Maybe someday, we will meet again, but next time, let the story of 'us' begin with the words, "I am free."
-Forever your moon lily.