Grief with AS

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My 23-year-old child died 6 weeks ago in bed. (Unknown causes, but possibly intentional or reckless). I have a great husband and a surviving 25-year-old son. I have a reasonably accommodating job. My family is supportive, and I have an army of friends and a great church.

What I don't have is a lot of stories from parents with AS. There don't seem to be books written for people with autism who are dealing with grief. (And really, some of the graphics and web pages are idiotic.) I'm struggling to figure out why I can't focus. Why writing the thank-you notes seems to be impossible. (Hint: "you're grieving" is not a helpful answer.)

I'm the person who has always been able to buckle down and get it done, whatever the "it" is. (I have a freaking Ph.D. in engineering for heaven's sake.) But it feels like I'm falling farther and farther behind. I cannot focus. Even filling out the most basic forms at work seems like climbing Everest. I like having my email inbox in the single-digits and it's gone on to the second page....

Do any of you have resources you could share that helped you figure out how to process terrible situations?

Time .........and absolute no pressure if you can help it .In the short term...stoicism in the long run ...lots of crying if you can find time and place and one supportive person at least to lean on and confide without judgement to...?
Things will be very obnoxious as it aggravates any little aspie symptoms you have had in the past .. Even ones you might have over looked.. Severe emotional stress for Aspies can be physically disabling , If you do not allow for some kind of recovery . Aspies might slump into a long term depression, Its almost unavoidable with death of close people.Think being charitable to your own psyche .. What ever form that takes . Eventually maybe stiocism will take hold .I believe it is almost an impossible situation.But living through it . Someday ??. might put you in a position to help someone down the road. Regardless of Whatever, obviously it was his time to go elsewhere..If you have any spiritual beliefs or old teachings you learned at some point. It would be a good time to mentally try to lean on them.

Be kind, be careful , with yourself Aspies tend to die from accidental stuff historically. From what i had read repeatedly.
Sorry to hear this has happened to you . (This response is only based on my own personal experiences)

Post script

It's been 2 1/2 years since my daughter died. I just wanted to post a follow-up in case anyone else was in a similar situation. I fully believe my AS helped me heal:

• To focus on this moment more. We went to the beach after the funeral, and I learned that humans can be devastated and joyful at the same time. Not just in sequence, but simultaneously.
• The ability to notice the emotions flooding my system and watch them come and go. The Buddhist / Stoic creed that you get to choose your reaction to stimuli (even awful ones) has really helped me. I think I've grown into a more balanced person after her death than I was before.
• To choose to be ok. When someone would ask me, "How ya doin'?" which is essentially "hello" in the south, before I would stop and try to determine whether that person actually wanted to know. These days I just say, "Great!" For a while, I worked with what the definition of "fine" is. "I'm fine" doesn't mean you don't have issues. Fine-with-issues has blossomed into, I'm actually doing very well. And I think AS provided some of the self-awareness and freedom-from-other-people's-expectations that allowed me to choose to be good.

There is a conventional wisdom which says that the death of a child is the worst possible thing that can happen to a person. Leaving aside the obvious (that the death of my other child would be worse, the death of my other child and my spouse, thermonuclear war which kills all my loved ones and my way of life, etc), our culture can leave people feeling callous if you actually get better. And that's just sad.

I'm better. And that's ok.

Sorry man

Good to hear you are feeling better.