For over two decades, I have lived my life with exactly one primary goal, one primary focus, and one primary interest: finding a serious, long-distance romantic relationship. I am 39 years old, and I have never been in a relationship. I have never received romantic attention, and I have never known what it feels like to have a woman love me back.
Many people treat dating as a secondary aspect of their lives—something they do on the weekends between their careers, their sports, their movies, or their travels. But for me, the search itself is my life. Writing about my desire for a girlfriend isn’t just a casual pastime; it is my full-time pursuit. I do not care about reading what other people write. I do not have a traditional career, and I have absolutely no interest in popular hobbies like exploring coffee shops, watching movies, or following sports. My mind is entirely occupied by one single subject, and I don't see why I should have to pretend otherwise.
What fills me with such intense sadness and confusion is the absolute standstill I have faced for the last twenty years, culminating in a year of total, deafening silence online. I take care of my hygiene, my looks, and my health. I am not asking for a woman to jump into an immediate commitment the second she messages me; I am genuinely willing to ask her about her day, listen to her life, and learn who she is. I am completely open to a long-distance connection where we build comfort over text first.
Yet, whenever I am honest about my life and my goals, the responses stop. On dating apps, I get zero matches. On websites like Reddit and Facebook, my writing gets heavily criticized by women before I am inevitably banned by moderators who flag my honesty as spam. I am constantly told by strangers online that I "need a hobby" or that I need to "expand my interests." But writing about my desire for love is my hobby. Why should I have to invent fake interests or talk about things I don't care about just to get a basic response?
It feels deeply unfair to put an incredible amount of focus, dedication, and raw emotional energy into one single life goal for over twenty years, only to be met with total isolation. I want to learn everything about a future partner, and I am willing to tell her everything about me. I just want the digital void to stop, and for one woman to look past the screens, see my dedication, and finally want to build a serious, long-distance bond with me.
Today, 7:46 am
