Sick of forcing myself to get out when I don't want to

Post Reply New Topic

I feel like I'm constantly feeling like I'm missing out on everything even on a nice, sunny day like this. I've been at home all day and yesterday until I go back to work tomorrow. I keep being nagged by my brain to go out anyway even though it's now coming up to 5pm.

I've heard someone once saying to someone in their late 20s/early 30s who like me who did like going out anymore that you should force yourself to go out when you feel like this because you don't want to lose your social circle at this stage of life. That reinforces the notion that's it's too late for me now because I wasn't forcing myself to do things I didn't like anyway like clubbing.

It makes me feel like not bothering because I feel like I forced myself to go out in the past even though a part of me didn't want to go out to the same shops and places.

I remember being told I should go out and "make something" of the day. So, for a long time, on nice sunny days, I'd feel that I was wasting time, that I should go out and "do something." Why? I wasn't sure. That's just what I was told.

But over time, I've come to see it less as an expectation or obligation. It isn't about the principle of going out, but rather about caring for myself. If you genuinely don't want to go out (and don't have to), and are truly happy with that, then who is anyone to tell you otherwise?

When I feel guilty about not going out, it's usually because I'm realizing that I'm not putting time aside to connect with people, and that's something that I actually do want. It's me reminding me that I shouldn't forget about my social life, even if it's hard and I don't always connect with everyone successfully.

I don't think it's ever too late.

By the way, I've never found any real friends in clubs. I try to focus on attending events that I'm genuinely interested in, that way, I have a better chance of going in the first place and having real fun.

I have never been diagnosed with ASD; I have social anxiety disorder and a schizophrenia diagnosis. I also feel sick and tired of forcing myself to venture out into public places and into society in general. I detest it. It's always hell for me. So I just confine myself to my living quarters without having to deal with other people. I really despise it. Perhaps if I had a job I might feel more inclined. But for the past nineteen years, I've had to deal with the absolute mishegoss of "interacting" with people. I always feel like they are out to get me. And maybe they are, but it's never pellucid whether they are or not, so I just kind of relegate it to another sector of my mind. I find reading and learning helps me stay sane. With my condition, scholastic aptitude seems to be the antidote. That and taking my prescribed medications and my supplements.

I'm presently working on reducing my medication dosage with the consent of my Mother and my doctor. My Mother is the one who authorizes me to ask my psychiatrist if it is alright to reduce it in 2.5mg decrements. Afterall, my Mother is around me 24/7 and sees firsthand what my behavior is like. So it's only logical to have her endorse my wish to lower my dose, which is then approved by my psychiatrist. I think it's working well so far. I have an interest in medicine and hope to become a physician someday. I know I'm a bit "old" to do that, but I figure why not? And if it's not feasible for me, then I can always just get some other job apt for my caliber. But I'm not going to get ahead of myself, metaphorically speaking. For now I am just working on getting my medication back down to a "normal" level, since I am still on a superfluous dose.