Greetings! I am new. This is why I’m here in as few words as I can manage. I hope it’s not too long.
Warning: Mentions of substance abuse and infant death.
I’ve recently begun wrestling with the question of whether or not I am autistic, in addition to or instead of ADHD, with which I was diagnosed sometime between 2000 and 2005.
I spent most of my adult life under the influence of various substances, starting in high school. Early on it was mostly cannabis, but once I was old enough to acquire alcohol, it quickly became my substance of choice. Alcohol use is a large part of the culture here in Wisconsin, and playing in bands, alcohol was everywhere all the time. For a long time I never gave it much thought. It was just normal.
About 30 years ago, my wife and I lost a daughter. I began using alcohol pretty much every day after that. Over time the quantity increased. COVID bumped it up further still. I was considered to be an “Essential Worker” and, as a result, had to go to work while everyone else was isolating. Several people supported by the organization died either from COVID or from conditions that were aggravated by COVID. It was incredibly stressful.
My alcohol consumption had gotten so bad that even I realized it was a problem, and that I needed to stop or my marriage would be over, and it could kill me. I have been totally sober now for over 4 years. Not one drop. Initially all my attention was focused on staying sober. As it got easier, I engaged in more self-examination, as one does in sobriety. Not much self-examination occurs while one is using. I have a lot of catching up to do.
Both of my daughters (adults) have commented in recent years that they think I might be autistic. I never really thought they were serious. About a year ago one of them gave me a copy of “Unmasking Autism.” I was a bit surprised, and asked why she gave it to me. Her reply was something like “Why do you think? You might want to read it.” She’s a very smart and perceptive person. I figured if she thought I should read it, then I would. It took me a while to get around to it, but I finished it about six months ago. It raised many questions, but I don’t have a definitive answer.
I started seeing a therapist about nine months ago. In the waiting room for my first or second appointment, an Elton John song was playing, and I really didn’t want to have Elton John songs stuck in my head, so I put in my noise cancelling earbuds. When the therapist came to get me, I didn’t hear her approach and didn’t realize she was there right away. When we got to her office, I apologized and told her why I was wearing the earbuds. She asked if hearing music in my head was a common occurrence. Puzzled, I said yes. She asked how much of the time. I told her every waking moment, whereupon she told me that most people don’t have music in their heads all of the time. At first I thought she was kidding. I began taking an informal poll of people I know, and discovered that most people I know really do not have music in their heads most of the time. In and of itself, this is not a big deal. However, without actually thinking about it, I had always assumed it was a universal experience, like eating, drinking, sleeping. Realizing that assumption was wrong turned my world upside down. If that wasn’t true, what other assumptions were also untrue?
I understand that is not an indication of autism, but it has caused me to question everything, and now, thanks to my daughters and that book, I’m kind of obsessing over the possibility that I am autistic. While it would explain a lot (like, really a lot) I don’t know what to think. My whole life, I have felt as if I am broken or defective, but always thought it’s the result of some sort of personal failure or deficiency rather than anything built-in. It appears this is a common thing among people who have gone undiagnosed. I’ve been reading about it almost constantly. One moment I think “That sounds like me.” Then I think “That’s not me” and think I’m imagining everything. My therapist says she thinks it’s a possibility, but that she doesn’t have the qualifications to make a diagnosis. Nonetheless, she believes it’s likely that my past alcohol use was an unconscious attempt at self-medicating and/or masking.
Having an explanation would be liberating. Just the thought that it might be true feels like a huge weight has been lifted, like my body has been clenched tight for as long as I can remember without even realizing it, and suddenly it can relax. Still, it feels like the rug of existence, my narrative of who I am, has been yanked out from under me. And what if I find out it’s not true? Then what? Do I go back to feeling broken and defective? My head feels like it’s going to explode. I thought a forum such as this might help me think things through. Maybe there is someone else who has had a similar experience. I haven’t come across anyone yet.
If anyone is reading this and struggling with alcohol or other substance use, I want to be clear: Even though many questions have arisen since becoming sober, I am so much happier now. Life is better. I feel better. I think/hope I’m less of an a**hole than I used to be. I feel like I’ve been given a second chance at life, and I am so grateful for that.
Thanks.
Today, 1:50 pm
