Dating supposed to be easier today why are there more single

Post Reply New Topic

Okay, but women also want a partner they can relate to, hon. Just having a special interest in romance isn't going to cut it. You can be multi-faceted.

A lot of women actually view a lack of interest or hobbies as a red flag, anyhow. It's not doing you any favors.

I don't have hobbies or interests. But I am well read, well educated, erudite and able to talk about a wide variety of subjects and topics. Whatever they want to talk about I am game. If they want me to read certain books or watch certain movies I will be more than happy to.

As for myself my only interest and goal in life is a romantic relationship. I have read all the books, watched all the movies, studied everything I wanted, gotten the degrees I wanted. And now I want to start living the life I have always wanted to live. Which is a shared life built around love and human empathy

I am autistic, and severely limited socially due to extreme stress and anxiety throughout my life. I hope no one would see these immense struggles as "desperate."

It's moreso the monotropic fixation on wanting to date despite not having any hobbies or other interests that might help lay the groundwork for meeting and interacting with others.

It comes off as though it's your entire personality and that's likely to repel others, which makes it unlikely to lead to the outcome you desire. You might earn sympathy from some people but no one wants to date someone because they feel sorry for them.

I share your struggles, I'm also autistic and limited socially but I know what has worked for finding for partners and what will only ever give off more red flags than a Soviet parade.

Ok, well I am a person with severe disabilities and limitations who is looking for a girlfriend on an autism message board. And you are a person who likes telling a person who struggles a great deal in life that he is not worthy of dating. And since you don't know the first thing about me I know that your opinion is useless.

I know I am ready to be a great boyfriend for the right person today so for all the other women out there I would love to be in a relationship and chat anytime

I haven't told you that you're unworthy of dating, I've told you that your approach hasn't worked and is doomed to continue to not working.

Those two things are not the same.
Further, if I believed you were unworthy of dating I wouldn't try to tell you what you're doing wrong.

But, I think your response to constructive feedback might be another red flag and an indication of a lack emotional maturity. People telling you why you're struggling aren't the reason for your struggles.

Best of luck, but don't be surprised if a failing strategy continues to fail.

I think it is very judgmental and rude of you to suggest another person struggling with disabilities has red flags. I think it is unkind and most of all unhelpful. I think you should keep unkind things to yourself.

This sounds like you believe the problem isn't your own shortcomings, it's with people noticing them.

Bad news mate, the people you'd like to date also notice them, that's why you're struggling.

If you had a lump of s**t on your face, would it be ruder to point it out so you could remove it or to just let you walk around oblivious while everyone snickers at the guy with s**t on his face?

I just think you are being very unkind to a person with severe struggles and disabilities, if you would like to ask me about them or get to know me better I would very much appreciate it

Brian, you're (very kindly) being given feedback on an aspect of something you're struggling with. Sometimes it hurts. It's okay to acknowledge that. But it is something important to consider.

From my perspective, having been approached by men with a similar mindset: this is an incredibly unhealthy and uncomfortable mindset to have, and it is just as uncomfortable and unhealthy for the recipient. There are plenty of people who are struggling with a lot of your struggles on this forum. If anything, their advice that they're giving you now is likely the best advice you're going to get.

As someone born femme and still leaning towards femme tendencies, what I look for in a man is someone I can relate to. Someone who has both overlapping and individual interests, someone who is emotionally mature and able to have the hard conversations, and someone who has a plan for the future, even if they're limited in scope because of disability. I wasted a lot of time and energy in an abusive relationship because my partner only cared about themselves and their interests. I was just an accessory and a fascination in their eyes, never fully a person.

So when you're being told that your sole interest in dating and absolutely nothing else is a red flag, that isn't a personal attack. This is a warning. Even fellow autistic women are uncomfortable with this.

Take it from an autistic person happily in a relationship with an AuDHD person: the red flags aren't the disability.

I get that, but I know who I am and I am allowed to keep trying to date despite me not being what you want me to be.

If someone gives me the chance I will make a great boyfriend for someone someday. I know it has to be the right person.

And the right person for me is someone who will accept right away that my only goal in life is to get into a romantic relationship.

I think that there are a lot of people out there like me so I just need to find them

Brian, this is going to sound mean, but you need to hear it.

Anyone who accepts just solely wanting to be romantic and nothing else isn't into the idea, they're desperate for companionship. This is bad. You deserve better than someone just looking to settle.

Perhaps I should also include if a person is not kind and understanding enough of who I am- then I would not want a romantic relationship anyways.

I get that I am different. But I still know I can make a great boyfriend someday.

I think I offer a ton of things, I think I am well educated, well read, funny and smart. I have my downsides (obviously) but I really do offer a ton of amazing things.

Women just need to give me the chance and start chatting with me

I am very confident that with the right person I will make an amazing boyfriend someday. If you disagree that is your right. But I think you are flat out wrong.

Sometimes it feels unkind when another person points out that one is wasting their time and effort on an approach that will never yield the desired results but it would be even more unkind to let that person just keep wasting their time and effort without any hope of a better result.

Also, you brag about not wanting friends, so why would anyone want to get to know you better?
Being aloof and standoffish and wanting people to get to know you are diametrically opposed.

Being a good boyfriend included being able to acknowledge when something isn't working, and when it's brought up, the topic being handled in a mature way.

IE: My boyfriend likes to gamble. I've had to have a talk with him about my concerns with him gambling, since he is prone to addictive behavior. I wouldn't be able to have this conversation with him if he handled this in a similar fashion that you are now.

I get it's hard, and doesn't come naturally to autistic folks like us, but you need to be able to look beyond just yourself and your wants/needs if you want a relationship.