Say Something Random: psychological Conditions Version

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That's very R.D.Laing that is. He wrote books about how people were thought to be insane and argued that under the circumstances they were just doing what they had to do to survive, and that it was the people around them who were the real nutters.

I've got something called defensive pessimism that's thought to be a coping strategy rather than some neurosis that needs fixing. Whenever I have to do anything challenging I spend a lot of time thinking about what could go horribly wrong, and work out ways to make sure it doesn't. It's said to blind me to taking full advantage of all the wonderful things that could go right, but I'm not convinced that I'm completely blind to that, and I think if some do-gooder tried to take away my defensive pessimism then I'd have a nervous breakdown, or some of the things that could go wrong would go wrong.

I'm a hypochondriac. A bad one. At the same time bad health events have happened to me that reinforce that condition. I am not sure how to rise above it other than say "screw it, whatever happens happens". That is the advice my father keeps giving me. That is hard to do in practice though. My faith helps some but there is an underlying fear that won't go away.

I'm a hyperchondriac. Nothing's wrong, stop asking.

I'm a hypochondriac on the inside, but when I get a serious ailment I've been known to say something like "tis but a scratch." It's the little things that worry me, like 2 small faintly yellow patches on the back of my forearm. They look like minor bruises but I can't explain how they got there, so I'm imagining it's some weird type of jaundice.

I wonder what the link is between hypochondria and mitochondria?

I could easily become a hypochondriac because I have a hypersensitive interoception if it weren't for multiple things; starting with the lack of anxiety to a complete disregard of the possibility that something can end me.

Like... I care more if something inside me is disrupting me annoyed no matter what I do or do not do, than anything else.

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Soon, I can just breathe...

Less about my damn body making my head complacent or stupid, and more all around my autistic profiles; me and my crappy verbal processing, the memory issues, etc. etc.

All about my true "disability/ability" and less of whatever chronic illness I had been putting up for years and years end.

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Innit weird when you remember two completely separate memories as if they're the same memory

I do this a lot as I'm getting older

It's like they're all just melting into each other

I kind of like it

Unlike some, I'm not confused where my neurodivergence is, from whatever potential neurodevelopmental injury acquired from living in mismanagement and misalignment.

Other than I'm right...
... And I got my wish...


Today is the last day I play complacent.
Because, today is the day I can willfully allow myself to slack off.



So, during my advanced birthday celebration at work, they asked me what my wish was before I blew the candle...

... And told them that, I think, I already got my wish.


Then, earlier today, my mom told me we kept eating at the same fast food restaurant in my every birthday with her...

That I don't actually notice. That I don't actually remember. Because going out with friends and family was just something most people expects in spending one's birthdays.

Not me, though.
And the day felt like any other day without work.


... I told her this is more of yours. Not precisely her -- just not me.
My coworkers celebrating, my mom going out, her officemates planned drinking out... Them giving me gifts, food and cake.

They want to party, consume an excuse to indulge.
But not me. I never asked. I never wanted to. I just play along and eat. Accept whatever they gave me.

... Afterwards, I just told my mom to just enjoy it. The excuse. My birthdays.



If I were a human social animal deep down behind this neurodivergent vessel -- I would've been more appreciative, happier.
If not more guilty, asking myself further if I were worthy -- or even afraid, wishing that it'll stay forever, making an effort that it'll be the case.

But that's not me.
Even after removing almost all the internal interferences, I did not become that person. That pro-social human.


Maybe...
... Maybe I don't have a lot of attachments to this world anymore.

Just being in the moment.
Just this vow to live the best way I know how.

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I'm very unsure about that SSRI stuff still (I went to psychiatrist and was prescribed Miravil), possible side-effects (basically... everything.) are just terrific. Trying to run on ashwagandha instead.

I need anxiety.
That's a complete sentence to me.

I'm not like most humans. To most humans, anxiety is an intruder, an outdated crap to exploit each other out of.

I can twist the nature of anxiety itself.
To others, it's a sign of danger and worry. A fear based motivation, fearing repercussions and consequences.
Sometimes it does nothing but bring them misery.


I can do more with it than just entice excitement itself.
And I know how thoughts can be a liar and how firm I can be with untrue thoughts.

Quite an effect for someone who wouldn't spiral. Yeah, I guess that's the prerequisite of manhandling anxiety itself: to be able to just never spiral.

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I'm starting to accept Antidepressants more and more. My parents ran into my cousin at the grocery store the other day. Like me he was put on Paxil at 13. He tried to get off and had horrible results. He was scared of having health issues like I am. He is now on Prozac and Wellbutrin and is doing very well. I'm happy for him. He was never diagnosed to my knowledge but I believe he has traits of autism as well. I am just hoping I can find the right medication I should be on.

I like it when time starts going slower because it means I'm dissociating less