YippySkippy wrote:
Almost all the reasons you listed for staying with this man are financial.
Mailing bills out on time (which you kind of listed twice) is a really simple, basic thing to do. Does your husband not allow you to make out bills, balance the checkbook, or do banking on your own? I think you already mentioned that he closely controls your spending. All of this is financial abuse. My ex did these things to me, too. Believe me, managing the finances is NOT difficult and you CAN do it.
Have you considered pursuing a career of your own or furthering your education? Does your husband also discourage you from these pursuits? He may be threatened by the idea of you having your own income, as this is one way he can control you. If you had a decent job, would you still want to be in this relationship?
Remember, too, that situations like yours are why alimony exists. You would also be entitled to a portion of all the family's assets, and child support, and possibly half of his business.
Does my hubby allow me to mail out the bills? No. I do not touch the check book. I don't contribute ay money to it so I am not to mess in it. I don't know how much money we have in it. It doesn't really matter. The bills are paid and I know they will always be paid. The money is there.
Do I do any banking on my own? Two years we had a counselor that was very persistent in me obtaining a checking account and a credit card and getting a cell phone. I had no credit and no money. No accounts to my name. I had no credit. I got a credit card much to his displeasure. I also opened a checking account at the ripe age of 38. I know that most 18 yr olds have a checking account. I have been asked many times "Why don't you just close that account, you don't really need an account to." I kept it. I asked my current Therapist to help me give him a reasonable answer to why I want an account of my own. She did help me. It was because if something happened to him ( he croaked) I would have no way of getting my hands on his money. I could operate out of my account and take care of the kids that way. Money could be directly transferred to that account.
Furthering my education. NO. I am not exactly young. Plus he would not pay for me to go back to school. By the time I pursue a career I will be 45. No one wants to hire a 45 yr old straight out of school. Right now I am a stay at home mom. I do plan on going back to work some day. I didn't go to collage to stay at home forever. We are 30 - 45 min from most industry. So even part time work is not an option. Minimum wage for 6 hours and the amount of gas it would consume is not an affordable option. I intend on staying a home for 4 or 5 more years till my littlest one no longer needs me, and until my autistic child (who is 15) no longer needs me.
This is what the counselor has said: For now let the notion of divorce go. You are not happy but things are tolerable. I cannot live in the kid of situation you have, but obviously you can. You have always lived with abuse and neglect, and it is what you know.(even when you were a kid, you were raised with it) You don't have to get divorced today. Think about what the big picture will look like in 5 years. In 5 years you will potentially have a job. The 2 oldest kids will be gone from home. The littlest will be in 6th grade. Just an option, wait. What and see. Stop killing your self now with worry.
We have been pushing divorce pretty hard, the Therapist and I. I have spoken to lawyers, made contracts, planned many things, and explored lots of options. But I am still here. The Therapist says she thinks I am not going to leave. I am just not secure enough in who I am to do that at the moment.
15 Feb 2015, 10:21 am
