Where am I Going Wrong?

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I really appreciate all the responses, thank you. Unfortunately, I trashed all my dating profiles out of anger and frustration (not the first time, Im sure the cycle will start again). However, I will write what I usually do and link to my picture.

Alright, please help me work through this; I will start with the typical message I would send.

Let's assume I found a nice girl's profile who likes to go on outdoor adventures and her name is Ashley. *Disclaimer: This does not represent any real person or profile.*

Hey Ashley,
Your profile is very nice and you seem like an interesting person, so I figured I would send a message. I like being outdoors as well, what has been your greatest outdoor adventure so far? Do you have a favorite place you like to go?

All the best,
My name

I try to keep my messages short, respectful, and I ask questions to start conversation... nothing, no responses ever.

But, the first message doesn't seem to be the root of the problem. She will usually look at my profile after, so the next thing is probably my picture.... let's just get this out of the way:


Not the best looking guy in the world, but like I said before some people say I am "handsome" so it can't be too bad.

My other photos are fairly similar, and every one of them is clean, fully clothed, and not stupid.

The text of my profile is usually something like:

I am a creative guy with a ridiculous sense of humor... blah blah... I like the outdoors... blah.... I am very respectful and easy-going, so feel free to send me a message!

I never mention AS anywhere.

So then comes the details... maybe this is where it all falls apart. I am a lead artist working on a video game (I never mention the video game part since girls hate them). I was making good money at one point, but the company's funds dried up. Here's the interesting part, they begged me to stay since I am quite good and I get a share of the millions when we make it. HOW IS THIS NOT SEXY?!

So academic achievements... I have none. I taught myself everything and dropped out of college. I didnt need it. I wasted 11 semesters of my life in college, was a good 3.4 gpa student, and showed up to every class. This does not mean I am uneducated, stupid, or lazy. Being Aspies, we can teach ourselves anything we need to know right? School is for NT sheep.

Ok enough ranting, so all that description above I usually leave out and put "Some college" for my education and leave the income field blank since its complicated. Do you really think this is why no girls respond? Is it all really that petty? I ought to try an experiment and put 200k per yer as my income and see what happens.

Oh by the way for the rest of the details:
Don't drink
No drugs
Dont smoke
Dont have kids, might want them
No past relationships/marriages
Loves dogs

The girls I usually go for are in my league I think. I like really tall girls, so its less intimidating for them and I think its very attractive. I also like curvy chubby girls, something I get made fun of all the time for but its what I like. Point is, Im not messaging super models, but girls I feel are a good match.

None of this makes any sense to me and its so frustrating. It seems like I should at least get some kind of response from some girls...

I am not into video games myself, but I know that video games are a very big thing and that people who work on designing successful games make good money. I think "lead artist on a video game" sounds better than just "artist." Don't say anything about the company's funds drying up.

You are a good looking guy, but the pic you put up here is a little weird - angles and such. Perhaps you can get your friend to help you get a picture more straight on. Close your mouth and give a half-smile, like a greeting smile.

I would just say "college" on the education part. Women do not need to know that you didn't finish before even messaging. They will make all kinds of assumptions about why only "some college", mostly that lack of either finances or brains or self-discipline were why you didn't finish.

Income... Why don't you take your income average from the good times to now and put it up, instead of leaving it blank. If this is too low, put in a "reasonable" number. Blank is scary. Why is it blank? Again, all kinds of assumptions get made. This, combined with "artist" and "some college" makes it sound like you are an unemployed artist-wanna-be college-dropout bum.

These details are not petty. To women, they are clues to your character. It sounds like you are giving them bad clues, leading to negative conclusions. Women want to see that you are a hard worker, intelligent, and self-sufficient, in addition to liking to have fun and having a sense of humor.

OK, next comment has nothing to do with your dating difficulties...

I am very concerned that you are still working for this video game company. Are they paying you at all? Are you sure that this game will be successful? Are you positive the company owners are honest? Do you have a contract? Do you own your work at all? Are all the other people working on this project working for free, too?

You have heard the expression "Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free", right? Your art work is your intellectual property. I would hate to see you give it away to dishonest people who steal it from you and leave you with nothing. Of course they want you to stay. They may think you are "quite good", but they might have been willing to take or keep anybody who would work for free. Heaps of compliments do not make up for lack of compensation.

I think what you posted sounds promising. You're not being creepy like many guys on dating sites. Here are my suggestions: have multiple pictures, not just one. If you enjoy the outdoors have pictures of you hiking with friends, especially female friends, but state in the caption that they are just friends. One thing I found while browsing is that the profiles seemed the same, and there wasn't much to make a girl stand out to me. Maybe search yourself, what is unusual and interesting about you (besides ASD)? Also, since women tend to get lots of blanket messages from guys, it's important that you cite something specific from their profile in your message, and send two messages, the second a few days later, short and sweet like, "I know you must get a lot of messages, and maybe you missed mine, but I think you're interesting and would like to get to know you better." If they don't reply after the second message, move on.

I'm surprised: the "message example" that you posted is almost to the letter what I would have suggested myself. That's very similar to what I send, and I've had great success with it. That says to me that your messages aren't the problem at all - it's something in your pictures and/or profile. I wouldn't change a thing in terms of the content or length of your messages, and quite frankly I'm surprised you haven't received a response yet...I'd think you'd get at least one reply with messages like that, even if you had a terrible profile. What site are you using? I've tried a few, and found OkCupid to be the only one that's really worth the time...the rest typically don't have the user base, or have a very "niche" user base.

With regards to the picture you posted, you look just fine, but your expression in the photo is honestly a bit intimidating...it doesn't look very friendly or inviting. That's an easy fix - try to get one with a more natural smile. I'd try to get another one, ideally in an interesting setting, also (outdoors, at a historic landmark, engaging in one of your hobbies, etc). Those types of pictures attract much more attention than one of you sitting inside in a colorless room, and they show that you get out and do stuff! If you don't have any good ones, try to go somewhere nearby with friends or family and have them take a picture or two of you.

As to your profile, it's hard to comment much without the actual text/phrasing of how you write things (the devil is in the details), but it sounds mostly ok. I would echo a lot of nerdygirl's comments. Do you describe your job on the site the same way that you describe it here? If so, you may want to re-word it (but don't lie...be completely honest if you do). I read it as sounding like "My company went bankrupt, but they're going to come back and make millions someday with my help". It sounds like incredibly wishful thinking, and makes it sound like your employment situation is unstable. If that's not the case, then make sure to phrase it in a way that makes your situation more clear.

Regarding college, I don't think that many people will hold it against you for not graduating, as long as you are doing what you enjoy in life, not letting it hold you back, and demonstrate that you are intelligent (which I think is fairly apparent from your writing style). I hope that you aren't as negative-sounding about it on the sites as you are on here though. I think that the majority of people leave the income field blank, so I wouldn't even consider that noteworthy.

Thanks for the continued replies and honesty!

@nerdygirl: Its interesting that you think mentioning I work on a video game would be better. I was always told that girls hate them and saying anything about them on a dating profile immediately conveyed "loser". What you say makes a lot of sense, but I can't help but feel like I am being dishonest by putting my income as what it was, or saying I have a degree (the only other options on some sites). I refuse to be dishonest with girls--I respect them greatly. That being said, I am definitely no unemployed artist-wanna-be college-dropout bum... perhaps pulling some strings and fudging some values to make sure girls don't think that would be the more honest route.

Getting a good pic of myself was extremely hard. Not sure if it's like this for other aspies, but I am not photogenic. This is the best one I could get after, literally, 100s of attempts. Doesn't help that Im an artist and really picky about visual imagery. You're probably right about the angles, I just set the camera on my coworkers computer and turned the timer on heheh.

Maybe petty was the wrong word... like I said I respect girls and I am not blaming them. There is something I am doing wrong and I need to fix it. I am just beyond frustrated with dating and becoming bitter about it. The reason I said petty is that I don't like being judged as the "unemployed artist-wanna-be college-dropout bum" just because of a number on a screen! Like you said, maybe the key is to tweak the numbers to convey an accurate perception. It seems like girls would hate me and call me a liar when they find out the details though... wouldn't they?

I appreciate your concern about my job; I have had these concerns too. Currently, I am not being paid at all, but that's only because we have no money. A couple of months ago a little came in and we split it evenly. When we had money I was being paid the same amount as everyone else--they have never cheated me in anyway yet. Also, we have become really good friends (there are only 3 of us). The only thing I signed was a non-disclosure agreement, no other contracts exist. The game is already for sale in an early state, as for how much it will make in the future... that's uncertain.

@Peacesells: I am sorry if I came off arrogant, it was unintentional. I think this goes for a lot of aspies, but I had a very rotten time in school. Teachers didn't teach in a way I understood and just thought I was ret*d, and my classmates made fun of me in terrible ways. Never had any friends. This was my experience for the entirety of school, so I developed an intense hatred for it.

@SamTheWizer: Send a second message... that's something I never tried because I always assumed it would come off as desperate and needy. Thing is, most of the girls I messaged viewed my profile. I get the feeling they immediately closed it though--something was so horrid it turned them off. I have always had this problem with online dating... in fact I can't even remember getting a response ever--and I started online dating when I was 20! A second message would be useless to those girls right? I hope not because I messaged all my matches in 300 miles.

@Stargazer43: Your response is something I hear a lot... this is why this is so frustrating for me. It feels like I should get some responses, but getting none ever makes me feel like a real loser--the dark scary hopeless kind. I was using OkCupid, PlentyOfFish, Match, eHarmony, and even a few really shady scams with no users!

I didn't think that photo was intimidating, but you might be right... it is kinda... "all up in your jammy" (don't ask where I heard that saying). That was one of the few I smiled for, usually I don't smile at all. For those pictures, people have said I look like a terrorist or Neo-Nazi heh heh. I wish I was photogenic.

I dont phrase my job like I did in this post. I usually just say "I am a lead artist" and that's it.

Again I really appreciate all the in depth responses from everyone. I really want to sort this out and stop being single, so I encourage you to be brutally honest and point out any flaws.

So you lack a formal degree and a stable job.

Fnord was right after all there in his post.

I didn't read all your posts, but do you have a place of your own?

First of all, dating sites are a horrible way to meet other people. Sure, you might get lucky and find a good match, but it's rare. Go do what you love in real life, and you'll have a better chance of finding a suitable partner.

Secondly, no matter what anyone says, pictures are the most important thing on those sites. People make snap judgements, and if one thing is "off", they will quickly move on to someone else. Get some better ones. Check out some other male profiles, and take a look at what they are doing.

First-of-all, you're not a bad-looking guy----but, that picture is really, REALLY bad!! Your smile looks forced, and you look like you're saying: "I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti". If THAT'S the pic you're using, that may very well be why you're not getting any responses.

Also, I totally agree with NerdyGirl----I especially like the part about putting in the comments section, that you didn't finish college cuz you were offered a full-time job.

I understand what the poster said about "lead artist"----that it could be taken as the medium with which you are an artist----maybe, say "I lead a team of artists", or something like that.

I don't know what to tell you to do, regarding what to put, for income..... If you put anything like your OP, there'll be another NerdyGirl who will pick-up on it----but, instead of asking you about it, she'll reject you.

A suggestion for picking a picture: There was a guy on here, who put-up a montage of pictures, and gave them each a letter, and had us vote on which one(s) we liked----I voted, and I think that was a BRILLIANT idea!!

@nerdygirl: "I have some college education but was offered a full-time position in my field before finishing a degree" is a great of way of putting it--and it is 100% the truth. Still, I would have to put Some College... although maybe I could put the degree I was working toward?

Ha, I never thought of someone reading it as lead (the metal) artist before! I will definitely rephrase it.

@The_Face_of_Boo: I guess you could say that, and that's really enough to get NO responses? Ugh... this is so frustrating. I do work hard, I am making a lot of sacrifices to try and hit it big and make good money, I am very responsible with my spending, I am educated despite not getting a degree... why won't girls at least give me shot to prove it?

Yes, I do live on my own. I am completely independent and self-sufficient, and I own a vehicle.

@Peacesells: People in school made fun of me because I was ridiculously tall, fat, and not good at sports. Not to mention having AS, which might as well have been mental retardation to them. No one likes "that guy". I see good-looking girls in my area with fat nerdy guys all the time! And Im not even fat anymore--took it upon myself to lose a ton of weight.

@SilverStar: I am glad you brought up real-life. Truth is I have just as much trouble there--I hear a lot of people say to me "wow your a tall handsome guy, bet all the girls stare at you". I have yet to catch a single girl staring at me--in fact they go to all lengths to avoid me! Just today, I was at a certain... let's say, function... where single guys and girls are encouraged to meet each other. The main room was full, so I grabbed some chairs for the hallway, making sure to leave an empty one next to me for girls. That seat became the last empty one, and sure enough a cute girl came in, and stood at the door... never sat down. That is until a guy in the corner got up and left, then she went to his spot next to some guy with a comb-over that looked like he was on drugs! WTF.

Still despite all that, I agree with you. Real life is way better, and something I never tried (thanks to AS) is approaching girls instead of waiting for them. Even though a lot of other guys get approached!

@Campin_Cat: Yeesh, I didn't think the photo was that bad... but I have to take your word for it because Im not photogenic and my success rate is 0. I knew the picture wasn't the best by any means, but I thought it was ok.

I don't suppose it would be too much to ask any female members who read this: could you point me to example photos of guys you think are well taken? I don't think I have the ability to recognize good male photos.

As usual, thanks for the responses.

How many credits do you have? Maybe you could go back, and finish.

You have many quirky professors in college, some of whom are Aspie. Many students aren't exactly "sheep."

You don't look like Hannibal the Cannibal....but you sort of look like you wring your hands and have a funny laugh. Otherwise, you look pretty cool.