How do you handle something like this?

Post Reply New Topic

I can sort of understand. I love to give my kids affection on my own terms...when I decide to give them hugs or kisses, but don't like to be surprised by affection. I have never been diagnosed myself, but I have my suspicions. Let's just say I'm NT with my fair share of AS traits. I do have an AS daughter who is just like me. I don't have to worry about her smothering me because she hates giving and receiving affection....more so than me to the point that it sometimes hurts MY feelings. My NT (I assume) 5 yr old son is a huge lover. He is the one I worry about scarring. He kisses me and won't quit. I just tell him to let me give him a kiss (I do), and then I tell him he can give me ONE (he does). Then I tell him that's enough....save them up for his future wife. I sometimes don't mind my kids in my lap if they are still, but when they are wiggling all around in my lap or hanging on me and kissing me over and over....ick. I fake it alot...pretend not to mind until I just can't stand it and move them off my lap to sit beside me.

That's how I am. Some days I can put up with it, but other times I just want to scream and hide. lol Yeah, I can be affectionate but it's never on my own terms with these kids. *sigh*

at that age they are still pretty attention seeking. as they get older, and depending on their personalities, they will become less lap intensive. my NT 6 yr old is an overly active child, he moved out of the mommy phase pretty quick, but my others were more needy for longer.

if they are exhibiting some autistic traits, is it possible that some of the behavior is sensory seeking? my aspie really requires a lot of deep pressure contact. he leans against me or my computer chair constantly, or wants to sit behind me. at night he sleeps pressed up against my back. it can get really overwhelming the amount of physical contact he needs, but its not that he needs my attention as much as i am his chosen sensory provider. he is definitely not one of those aspies that doesnt like to be touched. isntead, he wants touch frequently, and that includes a lot of hugging and even hard kisses where he squishes his face against me.

It's quite possible that's the case with my daughter. We have a huge pet pillow that she likes to lay under. It's definitely something I did as a kid with bean bag chairs.

Maybe I should stop telling her it's not a blanket?

You know, I'm on the affectionate side but my son is SUCH a high level and aggressive sensory seeker that it often gets to me, too.

If it's making you seriously anxious, to the point of trigger what are similar to chemical reactions inside you, I would take defensive action, and tell the child something along the lines of, "I just can't do this right now. We'll cuddle later, OK?" I've had times my son was so in my face it felt that way, especially now that he's 13 and still trying to push him self into people like a toddler. If you are uncomfortable but under control, try to turn your mind onto something else, instead of allowing the sensory overload to get to you. Funny, I do that ALL the time, but my kids think of me as very affectionate, so the mental escape doesn't seem to be something making them feel unloved ... I've also taught them that there are good and bad ways to cuddle, with blocking my face, jumping on my back, or going dead weight all being on the "bad" side, as in "let's not send mommy to the emergency room." My kids are a lot older than yours, and I probably allowed most things when they were 2 or 3, but as it's continued I've had to seriously explain to them that a woman my age does NOT have the strength of a jungle gym! Oh, lol, there's another common refrain in our house: "mommy is not a jungle gym" or "mommy is not the sofa."

ANYWAY, I hope you feel you are getting good answers here or, at least, good empathy . I don't want any parent with AS to feel uncomfortable posting issues that arise from the AS, even if most of the posting involves non-AS parents looking to help their AS kids. This forum is meant to serve BOTH.

The real safety issue there is suffocation, so it seems more like part of teaching her to never enclose herself in or under certain types of things. Maybe tell her that if she does something like that you want to see her mouth and nose out from under, just so you know she can breath OK. "Honey, I can't see your mouth and nose, where are they? Thanks!"

Thank you, that was really helpful.

I'm not so worried about that. She hates having things over her face. It's good to keep in mind, though.

And yeah... I think I'll stop taking the pillow off her. I really never made the connection until now. Oops!

I am NOT a touchy feely person at all and my oldest is a complete sensory seeker and likes to climb all over people - all of the time. If he isn't on one of us, he is climbing all over his brothers (as I type, he is practically hanging off of me asking me to put on a show), another family member, or anyone close to him. It leads to a very chaotic household because our middle son is much like me and does not like when his brother does then - when he does, the high pitched screaming begins! I fear that our youngest is going to be much like our oldest as he is already sensory seeking and is constantly crawling all over someone.

[quote="TeaEarlGreyHot"}It's quite possible that's the case with my daughter. We have a huge pet pillow that she likes to lay under. It's definitely something I did as a kid with bean bag chairs.

Maybe I should stop telling her it's not a blanket?[/quote]

its something to try at least =) if it turns out she is sensory seeking, you could look into getting a weighted blanket for her to cuddle with. there was a good thread around here about sensory objects from ikea, too, it would be worth a search to see if you can find that.

see, like i said, diversion! turn them onto something other than mommy for their sensory needs. =)

I think this is something every mother deals with, to a certain extent, but I may or may not have spectrum issues myself, so I can't say for sure. I do remember going through a very difficult time with my husband, because after having my son hang on me all day, I didn't want to be touched by anyone AT ALL (the poor dogs, too.) It did go away, eventually.

Is it just the lap? I wonder if some kind of barrier would help, like a pillow covering your lap - or maybe if you sat in a way that they could sit next to you but not IN your lap might work (like with your knees up and ankles crossed) Do you think that might make it better if they could lean on your shoulders instead?

That happens to be the compromise around here. It still bothers me a lot and they aren't always satisfied with it.

I wouldn't mind them sitting all over my legs if they weren't so rough. I like pressure on my legs.

Sounds to me like you are making reasonable accomodations both for them and yourself. I'm no expert, but I think it's OK to set some boundaries about how you are willing to be touched even by young children - of course, I think not touching your children at all could be a problem.

Even little kids need to learn to respect other people. My son got teeth very early, I think at 4 mos, when I was still nursing a lot - I had to teach him not to bite me (which I did by setting him down on the floor and walking away, not quite as calmly as that sounds, nor as calmly as I would have liked - but after a while, it worked.)

I think you can explain to them that you don't like the roughness (even if they are so little as to be nonverbal) by offering specific praise and allowing them on your lap when they're doing it the way you like: "you're sitting on my lap so nicely today," and otherwise "I don't like the way you're (insert behavior - kicking, hitting, climbing, squashing) me, you can't sit on my lap when you do that" while moving them gently off your lap, and picking up your knees. Mommy should get to have a time-out if she needs one, especially if the kids aren't following the rules. They will not like it, but they will eventually learn. Respecting someone else's body is an extremely valuable lesson, too, and one that it doesn't hurt to learn early.

Not to say the other ideas aren't good ones, but have you considered trying to desenstize yourself? Maybe a brushing protocol would help. I'm not positive, but I *think* you could probably learn to brush yourself.

I'm a sensory seeker myself, which makes being a mom much easier. I love it when my son sits on me or gives me big hugs. Though he does reach my limits sometimes.

Now this is more what I've been looking for. I've seen the brushing thing briefly, but admit I'm a bit ignorant of it and other methods. I'm still rather new to this, and nobody ever tried to help with my sensory issues aside from 'suck it up'.

There's a yahoo group for adults with sensory integration disorder, and there are some good books out now, like this: http://www.powells.com/biblio/1-9780060932923-4

Here's a quote from the page: "Madeline is tactile-defensive, the hallmark of sensory defensiveness. Growing up, she often writhed when her father or mother hugged or kissed her, though both were caring and loving. Today when she hugs her 3-year-old daughter, it can feel like an obligation and she frequently draws back from her husband's unexpected love tap. When he crushes his powerful body into hers, she feels at once comforted and trapped. When she must hug friends or relatives, she squeezes hard enough so that she doesn't have to feel the other person touching her.

It pains her to be so touchy and makes her feel unable to satisfy her family's need forintimacy. She worries that her family might think that she doesn't love them, as her parents and sister used to feel when she denied their affection. Yet she loves them deeply and craves their hugs — but on her own terms. "