Soccer group

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I disagree. Emotion abuse, intimidation, and physical violence are all forms of bullying. Adult bullies tend not to use physical violence as often as children do, but the emotional abuse they unleash is horrific to someone who is easily intimidated. Even though you may not have experienced much bullying in your adult years doesn't mean it isn't out there. I see it all the time with co-workers and even people involved in some of my son's extra curricular activities.

AS kids can be anywhere on the spectrum, and I can appreciate that. Some can handle the challenges of competition and standing up to a bully and others cannot. I have several friends with children who have AS or some other type of disability. I have seen some of these parents shelter their children so much that even though these children could learn to function better, their parents never given them an opportunity because they don't want them to feel bad if they fail. I feel sad for these kids because I have come to know their strengths and weaknesses over the years, and I know some of them could handle it if given a chance. I fear some of these kids will never learn to become independent and take care of themselves when they become adults. If they never learn, then what will become of them when their parents are no longer able to care for them?

I try to think "big picture," instead of what is going on today or tomorrow. I never throw J into a situation I know he can't handle. We take baby steps. When he has mastered one thing, then we up the challenge. And you know what? He understands it. He didn't understand why I pushed him at first, but now he does. It's hard for him sometimes because challenges can be difficult, but when he does accomplish a task, he tells me how happy he is and how proud he is that he accepted the challenge. For example, he has wanted to make the A honor roll for so long. He's always been on the AB honor roll, but he wanted to do better. He didn't think he could do it, but I kept telling him that I thought he could if he learned to apply himself, focus and study hard. It took him this entire school year, but he finally made it, and he was so proud of himself that he was beaming from ear to ear for days.

I realize that I have gotten way off the topic of soccer, but I think it all kind of meshes together: soccer, school, scouts, etc. All of these experiences are important in helping our children be the best they can be...not to be like or conform to the NTs (I couldn't care less how I seem to the NTs), but for themselves and who they will be when they become adults.

My Dad was Aspie, and I displayed Aspie tendencies when I was a child, but I learned to cope and adjust. My father never did and lived a tremendously difficult life and ended up dying young because of his bad decisions. I have seen it all first hand, and I have felt what both of them have felt. I don't want that type of life for my son, so that's why I challenge him.

Well - I guess this is what has me confused. I originally posted my son started a soccer group for kids with autism. He can learn to play and have fun where his behaviors are totally accepted and the rules of the game are broken down into smaller steps so he can master them easier. The group also incorporates some RDI techniques to help the kids interact with one another and the coach is a trained psychologist/therapist who has been working with people with developmental disabilities for years. I know him from our local parent group and he is very dedicated - someone I trust who really respects people on the spectrum. And I mentioned that my son kicked the ball in both goals and the kids were playing together very nicely. But it seemed like this was a shame that they are not playing real soccer (???) not only from a couple of posts but also from an in-law. I don't see playing on this team as somehow second rate - or as sheltering him or using HFA as a crutch. It isn't.

There is a great deal of contention between mainstreaming and those who view allowing autistic kids to group together as segregation. I know of some parents who are very adamant that there should be no such things as a scout group for kids on the spectrum or an AI classroom. However, while my son's language skills have improved - he was pretty much non-verbal when he was in K. And he spent a good deal of time trying to escape from the K classroom and had sensory issues that can not be easily resolved in a typical classroom setting. So - that does not necessarily mean mainstreaming for everything as the measure of success. As a matter of fact - my son was getting upset tonight because soccer practice is tomorrow and he didn't want to go. So I'm trying to find out why and he is nervous that he might not be able to play for the whole hour. I assured him he is allowed to take a break whenever he wants so then he felt much better and is happy about playing again. So, it is unrealistic at this time to put him on a "regular" soccer team and expect him to be able to adapt. I mean it is great if a kid is willing to accept certain challenges - especially if they have an internal desire - but that needs to be tempered with making sure the bar isn't always being set higher and higher until the kid feels like there is just going to be no good enough no matter what they do. So - different perspectives. I do not underestimate my son's abilities - if I did I would have accepted the schools assesment that he was not ready to learn - and instead he has a poster of the periodic table of elements in the living room and a bunch of books from the library because that is one of his passions. Pretty good for an 8 yr old - NT or AS.

JS Mom wrote ~"AS kids can be anywhere on the spectrum, and I can appreciate that. Some can handle the challenges of competition and standing up to a bully and others cannot. I have several friends with children who have AS or some other type of disability. I have seen some of these parents shelter their children so much that even though these children could learn to function better, their parents never given them an opportunity because they don't want them to feel bad if they fail. I feel sad for these kids because I have come to know their strengths and weaknesses over the years, and I know some of them could handle it if given a chance. I fear some of these kids will never learn to become independent and take care of themselves when they become adults. If they never learn, then what will become of them when their parents are no longer able to care for them? "

agreed....i wasn't trying to make a blanket statement for all of mankind...just trying to say that sometimes standing up to something difficult and "winning" can feel great.certainly it's ultimately up to the individual as to whether he/she is ready to "fight" against the bully. my son is nowhere near ready for such a move~and i'm not forcing him either.

I agree with you Ster.

i work with kids on the spectrum, and it's amazing how little they report doing at home~yet at school they can do all sorts of things.i don't know whether to believe the parents are sheltering them, or whether the parents are just so exhausted by the time their kid gets home that they don't want to rock the boat.....for my family, it depends upon the day~some days i just let things go because it's not worth the struggle.

Oh, I can totally relate with the exhaustion part. It's not easy raising kids these days much less one (or more) with AS. J's not one of those kids you can give an instruction to and expect it's going to be completed in a reasonable amount of time. He knows how to do the tasks assigned but looses focus too easily, and is drawn to what he really wants to focus on. We have to constantly follow up with him. It would be easier to just forget about it all...let him climb into his world and avoid the arguments, but that only leads to a 40 year old man living with his mother! Not!

May depend too though on how the child feels after a long day at school. Sometimes kids give alot at school and need to unwind at home or start acting out. Also - like alot of kids - if you ask them what they did at home they might answer the same as what did you do at school - NOTHING (lol).

I agree. Home is "safe." Sometimes I feel like J saves his anger, inflexibility and melt downs up all day so he can take it out on me, but he knows I love him unconditionally, and he has matured some what to know that it is better to have a melt down with mom than in front of his friends and teachers who aren't so understanding.

Walk-in-the-rain wrote: Also - like alot of kids - if you ask them what they did at home they might answer the same as what did you do at school - NOTHING (lol).

when i ask my kids what they did at school, i usually get "NOTHING ", too

Hi Walk-in-the-rain,

As a mother of a 7 year old NT daughter who plays soccer, I take great offense to your above statement. When my daughter started playing, she knew NOTHING about soccer, and she and some of the other kids kicked the ball in the wrong goal. Even now, some child will typically kick the ball in the wrong goal. NEVER have any of the other kids gotten angry with a teammate for doing this or called anyone names! They are taught to respect both their team mates and the players of the other teams. They are taught that pushing is bad sportmanship, and in fact they are not allowed to score too many goals if the other team starts falling far behind. While they do keep score, it's not about winning as the teams are not ranked until the kids are much older.



The kids on NT teams DO NOT play like a bunch of animals! And what do you mean by LOWERING themselves? How very offensive I find your statements to be.


Jan

i understand that some soccer coaches are BRUTAL....many, however, are not...most of the teams my sons played on were run by coaches who cared and did not yell~ they played against some teams, however where the coaches yelled and screamed and told the kids "kick them, trip them~do whatever it takes to win" ( and these were 7 year olds ! !! !! !! !! !! !)

Really - I have a niece who is 6 months older than my son who has been playing soccer for 2 years now - and they are competitive. I guess it is up to interpretation what fun is. In an ideal world everyone would be all holding hands playing together with love in their eyes. That is not the case and besides personal experience there have been numerous discussion on other parent groups where kids on the spectrum who are on integrated teams are not treated very well. Including the coach in some cases.



My husband and daughter are NT also so please don't get the impression that I just don't "understand". MY son was the one who was criticized for not playing "real" soccer because he scored in the wrong goal. I don't have much respect for kids kicking other kids, pushing other kids, name calling and coaches screaming at kids. Perhaps it depends on the puspose of the team but again there are just many instances where that kind of level of behavior is condoned if the stakes are high enough - and just because it may not be overt that doesn't mean that it doesn't happen. And if my son does not act like that - then I would consider it to be lowering himself if he had to play like that to be on a so-called "real" team.