Somes traitor amongs us

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J-P
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17 Oct 2011, 12:45 pm

BuyerBeware wrote:

They sh** on you??? That is because they are a**holes. Stupid, shallow, self-righteous a**holes.

I've had it all-- Bullying from kids at school, and the school authorities saying I deserved it (preschool-8th grade).
-- Spent high school with no friends, getting sexually harassed and afraid to report it, trying to be invisible and hoping they'd leave me alone.
-- Early 20's, college, no friends except a few I bought, no support, no one willing or able to help me learn to cope with the stress. Got thrown out of teacher's school for being outspoken. I knew when to watch my words-- in front of a classroom. When I'm the one in the desk, it's supposed to be about learning, not about already being perfect. Well, I got thrown out anyway.
-- Marriage: I'm not good enough in bed, don't like sex enough. I talk too much about boring stuff.
-- Kids: I've had people try to take my kids away from me simply because I disclosed that I have AS. Not because they were not clean, not going to the doctor, getting beat up. The woman had to admit they were in exemplary condition-- she just thought it was despite me, that being Aspie made me automatically dangerous. I filed a complaint against her-- nothing.
-- Family: Other than my grandma, my mom's side wants nothing to do with me. I am weird and bad. Other than my grandma and a couple of cousins, my dad's side treats me like a second-class citizen. I grew up being told I was stupid and fit for nothing but to be their servant. My stepmom's family threw me out as soon as my Dad died.

I learned to shut up. I learned to count my sentences-- no more than ten on a given subject unless someone is asking questions. One question, one sentence. I found a tiny handful of people who accept me the way I am-- who will help me solve problems and not mind that sometimes I speak very little and sometimes I have a lot to say. I taught my husband to understand that my inability to like close contact had everything to do with neurology and nothing to do with him...

...and I taught myself to suck it up and accept being invaded if I want the companionship of someone who loves me. I got really good at faking orgasms.

I still have my kids. I know the rules. Someday I might have to find a lawyer to help me keep them. I'll do that too.

Family?? From the road over, those people are all stupid. I'm happier since I started shrugging them off. f****. I don't have any control over what they choose to be.

Yeah. I understand you being bitter. I'm bitter too. I have done everything I could think of, with little help, to do everything right. I have done a good job. I am nicer, more careful, more tolerant than all of them. Still I am spit on, criticized, not good enough, not good enough.

You know what?? That's the way of it. It's a neurotypical world, sweetheart. We're just taking up space in it. Statistically speaking, there are 110 of them to every one of us. That makes THEM RIGHT and US WRONG.

You can't change that.

You can go on a rampage, take out all that bitter rage, kill a bunch of people, and end up dead (if you're lucky) or in prison being made an example of, being cited by people who think we all ought to be sedated out of our minds (if you're not lucky).

Or you can tell yourself that they're a bunch of f**** who just happen to be in charge, do what you have to do to get along in their world, then spin around and flap your hands and laugh for no good reason other than that you feel like it and study the things that interest you and enjoy life anyway.

Personally, I've swallowed enough goddamn Risperdal to last a lifetime. I'm going to keep a low profile, do what I have to do to fit in well enough to escape notice, and go home and laugh at anything that pleases me.

I take risperdal right now too. yeah i must find pasttime

EDIT:I think about rpg making buy i have motivation problems theses times

Mouldy
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17 Oct 2011, 2:39 pm

110 NT's to every non-NT... Wow I feel so special, in the good way.

The amount of suffering people go though makes my life seem so.... easy

Although I have seen my fair share of problems in my life so far ( im only 17 ) But i just hope that everytime i make an ass of myself I learn from the mistake.

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BuyerBeware
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17 Oct 2011, 2:58 pm

J-P wrote:

BuyerBeware wrote:

I take risperdal right now too. yeah i must find pasttime

EDIT:I think about rpg making buy i have motivation problems theses times

Yeah. Risperdal gives you motivation problems. Do whatever you have to do to get your mind and behavior bent in such a way that you can take as little of it as humanly possible. NASTY STUFF. Obviously it does not do anything about the anger-- just about the motivation to express it.

Tell you doctor that. Tell your doctor Tony Attwood said that. I'm reading his book right now. He's one of the world's experts on Asperger's. He thinks we should be listened to more and normalized less. We still have to get along in an NT world, but it should not be so repressive and judgmental and hard.

Maybe we can change things... A little bit... Slowly... But I know we are not going to do it by trying to be invisible. And I know FOR SURE that we are not going to do it with homicidal rage. I'll be the first to tell you it's justified, but IT DOESN'T GET ANYTHING DONE. Understandable. But not effective.

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Meow101
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17 Oct 2011, 7:21 pm

Hmmm...I take Risperdal, at a low dose, and it doesn't affect me negatively in the least. The reason I continue to take it is that it reduces my experience of sensory overload. It has made the difference between having severe sensory issues and having them be manageable.

Holy s**t...having your kids threatened to be taken away because you have AS????

To OP, I agree that your anger is justified. I experience it too, but BuyerBeware is right...they do outnumber us and we do have to (to some extent) live in their world. I fake being NT all day because I have to. It's exhausting. I don't like it, but I'm not a traitor just for doing what I have to do.

~Kate

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BuyerBeware
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17 Oct 2011, 7:57 pm

What is "a low dose"?? 2 mg is incapacitating-- I sleep. 18 hours a day. When I'm awake, I stare at the wall. 1 mg severely hampers my ability to function-- I can stay awake as long as I stay standing up, but I cannot think (can't drive because I don't notice hazards, don't have any opinion, have to be told what to do). I tried 1/2 mg but it was ineffective at what they gave it to me for-- making the anger and terror "go away." I still cared, it still hurt, and I still had the energy to say so. I think the last part was what bothered them. They said, in effect, "The purpose of this medication is to keep you from feeling."

That wasn't a right thing to do. They were about neutralizing me, rendering me completely inoffensive. They didn't care that a lifetime of trying to be inoffensive was how I'd gotten into the state I was in. Their greatest concern for me was about making it take less effort to make myself invisible.

Eh-- it's like the dumb nurse that thought she needed to take the kids away. They knew just a little bit and were not willing to admit that "a little knowledge" does not equate to expertise.

These new people... it seems it is not that way. The first thing my therapist said when I told her is, "Well, I'm no expert." How does it work for you?? I can function pretty well at most daily things-- grocery store et cetera. I did OK the last time I had a job. Granted it wasn't much of a job-- waitress in a fast-food joint-- but I did well at it. My major problem comes in at things like school functions-- a bunch of people crowded into a space that already has crappy acoustics, all milling around and yelling to be heard, while I try my damnedest to keep track of a 4-year-old and a 2-year-old in the melee.

I get through it all right-- people don't know there's a problem unless they know me well or interact with me for an extended period of time. When I get home, though, I am DONE. Can't think, can't focus, can't sleep, can't deal with my own emotions-- all I can do is read a book and accept that it's going to be that way until I get a couple hours "reset time."

Other than that, I mostly get by with being quiet, being good at what I do, and giving people what they want. At 33, I've finally come to the place where the first one and the last one can go only so far.

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phil777
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17 Oct 2011, 8:20 pm

I refuse to deal with absolutes. The "aspie nature" is not monolithic. It is to each his own, at the very best, consider it an additional layer of personnality on top (or as part) of the one you already have.

Also, i can subscribe to this to a certain extent :

"For people like AngelRho and myself (... forgive me, AR, if I'm being presumptuous here...), success is a more sublime and satisfying form of vengeance than physical violence could possibly be. " (Fnord, Post #9995)

If anything, if I ever become a necromancer or a Lich (yeah, unrealistic, I know ), I'll be able to unleash zombie hell on the bad humans. :p

Meow101
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17 Oct 2011, 9:38 pm

I take 1 mg at night. I really don't notice much during the day *except* that every little thing sensory-wise doesn't set me on edge. I still think and do my job well, I still feel emotions, I still say what I'm thinking and feeling as much as I think I can without having bad consequences. I'm not having meltdowns for the most part, because the sensory overload set my stress level very high, and with it being more manageable, it's rare that I have a meltdown. It's been suggested that I increase the dose because I still have some sensory problems, but I really don't want to because I don't want to be sedated and I think I can manage the way it is.

~Kate

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BuyerBeware
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18 Oct 2011, 7:06 am

phil777 wrote:

), I'll be able to unleash zombie hell on the bad humans. :p

I know that feeling. There are a few people I'd like to make pay and pay and pay. I think, though, that if it hadn't been AS it would have been something else. I guess that's where religion comes in-- Old Scratch just has His Infernal Thumbs so far up some people's butts there's nothing you can do about it. Just try not to let dealing with them drive you to act evilly too.

Other thoughts: Might talk to them about taking the stuff only at night. The last time I tried that it did not work for me very well. Maybe I didn't give it long enough. I only did it for a couple weeks before I gave in to the pressure about 2mg 3x daily. It could be nice to go through life without the "bad auditory days."

But I'm being a thread-stealer. I've got my own thread on this subject.

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"Alas, our dried voices when we whisper together are quiet and meaningless, as wind in dry grass, or rats' feet over broken glass in our dry cellar." --TS Eliot, "The Hollow Men"

DreamLord
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18 Oct 2011, 4:46 pm

J-P wrote:

AngelRho wrote:

I understand the OP's frustrations, and I think those are frustrations (hopefully) all of us here can personally relate to.

The thing is, though, you can't lump all aspies and all autistics together to fit the same mold. We're all different. There's nothing wrong with being different.

I hate social interaction. I run a tiny business, which means I have to do something I REALLY hate and that is make phone calls to clients. I hate it more than anything. But it just has to be done. Beyond providing a service at a private school, I also teach a non-credit "enrichment" course at a public college campus--which I don't mind so much because it allows me to "be myself" and share my interests/obsessions (music, incidentally). I also have a part-time salaried job with a church, which is the worst place in the world for someone with social anxiety issues. But it works out because all I have to do is focus on the tasks I have to perform and less on the people I work for. I stay fairly isolated, but at the end of the day I get the satisfaction of knowing that I played a role in serving some 400 people by doing something that, to me, is not really a big or special thing.

So, yes, I deal with a little agoraphobia/social anxiety, general anxious feelings, and crippling depression. I'm not thrilled that I lack the social skills or abilities that would allow me to be the charismatic person I really want to be. I wish I didn't walk funny, talk funny, look funny, and I wish I could say I knew people didn't say ugly things about me behind my back. But my life has no less purpose than anyone else's. If my life has enriched the life of only a few people, I'm ok with that.

I'm not any more or less deserving of a full and happy life than any other human being, whether aspie or NT. I'm very lucky to have had relationships with girls/women and proud to say that I'm married, have 2 children, and have a third on the way. My wife is much more supportive of me than I deserve, and I do my best not to disappoint her or my children. I've learned to recognize that my feelings of anxiety and depression just have to do with the wiring of my brain and nothing to do with anything I have any control over--so if I'm having a meltdown/bad day/whatever, all I have to do is just say so and I don't have to project my "issues" on my family. If I go into hiding for 2 or 3 days, they understand what's going on with me and just slide the food under the door. OK, I'm exaggerating that last bit... But still, they understand what's going on with me when I need to be left alone for a while, and I do my best to make up for the time if I don't do anything else but sit outside to make sure my kids don't end up playing in the road. I've learned to overcome many of the things that would have kept me from interacting with my children, and there are plenty of touches and hugs and kisses and just plain acting like a bunch of idiots to go around!

I don't feel that's being a "traitor." It's trying my best to be a decent human being. It's a lot tougher than it would be for an NT in some ways. If I get excited about a project I'm working on, it's painful to tear myself away from it. Staying up all hours of the night working on something just doesn't work when my pregnant wife has been cleaning, doing laundry, and feeding the kids and just wants a quick back rub. You HAVE to think about other people and how you'd want to be treated or helped in the same situation.

Maybe I enjoy a few more things in life than some aspies get to. But that doesn't make me a traitor, and certainly there are those on the spectrum who are much better off than I am. I'd think if my symptoms were more severe and I somehow managed to fake NT really good, I'd be a horrible person to ridicule others with the same condition. But we are all different and the condition affects us all differently. I don't understand how you could begrudge someone for succeeding with different brain wiring.

Pregnant wife...the society is very degenerate

How i begrudge? When you get all sh** all this time and others progress in they life that make you very bitter... and i tried hard believe me! Plus bullying since school period to now and all stupidity i get tell every day. PAYBACK TIME

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DYIU09o1gsI[/youtube] by the way my new anthem

Do you seriously think a National Socialist society would accept somebod who feels justified in killing and harming people who have done them wrong?

National Socialism believes in the rule of law. Even after Kristallnacht Adolf Hitler was outraged by the lawlessness shown by his supporters, if it wasnt for his respect for law it wouldn't have lasted for just a night. National Socialism and National Socialists do not want to be associated with people whose only goal is to satisfy their own impulses.

If you are serious about serving that cause do be aware that it is one of the hardest things you can do with your life and there is a big chance that you will never be rewarded for it.

Life can improve or at least it can seem better. One useful tip is to stop caring about what others think and take steps to ensure that you rely as little on unreliable and nasty people as possible. Find a hobby, find something that can cheer you up and remember it whenever times get rough. My cause and religion keep me going, both are embodied in a sunwheel I wear everywhere. When I have to face a***holes I remember what I am here for and why I need to ensure taht I get the desired result from the encounter.

Banquo
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21 May 2012, 10:47 am

I think it is only right to point out that we Aspies don't have the monopoly when it comes to getting s**t on. It is the nature of people (including aspies) to try to thrive at the expense of others. Need I point out racism, sexism, religious intolerence and many other similar forms of hatred.

If someone commits any of these it doesn't give me the right to harm them, and in doing so I would become worse than them. There are idiots who will find something in anyone to bully them, unfortunately sometimes Aspergers' makes you an easy target.

I would also point out that those idiots are the minority. I try really hard not to label people as NT because just like us they are a spectrum and generalising them as Aspie haters is not a productive exercise, many are blissfully unaware of the condition.

As to being a traitor I do the best with what I have. I work to my strengths (some relating to AS) and mitigate my weaknesses (again some relating to AS). While AS is a large part of my make up, it does not define me, I do that, and I want to define myself as a good member of society - not on centre stage but probably working happily in a secluded spot - but part of society none the less.

I have reason to be a hater - I have chosen not to be - AS does not make me one - and it should not make anyone else one either.

MjrMajorMajor
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21 May 2012, 11:01 am

Banquo wrote:

Well said.

JanuaryMan
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21 May 2012, 12:21 pm

Mack27 wrote:

So the people who aren't quite aspie enough get scorn from the aspies and from the neurotypicals?

Actually, I do find this to be unfortunately true. I get a lot of funny remarks because I am well composed, know what to say and what mannerisms to use (in fact I've become so adjusted to being in certain social situations I naturally do them). I make some NT's look down on me, and scare off some aspies.

What I find is the common problem, which is clearly experience by the OP, is people wallow in self pity and go "ohhh waa people with Asperger's can only be like me else they are fake and don't understand what it's like and they make me so mad cos they are doing so much better than me". And it's not their fault, our condition seems to have this effect on us where so much of the time we don't realise our subconscious is taking control of our conscious decisions.

I would have had say the same problems the OP has when I was 12-15 years old. I had the benefit (or displeasure, whatever) of being chucked into social situations and personal development constantly cos of the pressure-filled city life. I made countless embarrassing mistakes that many of the people make here, only I made them earlier on and am only now just coming to terms with what the hell I used to do. I am using this experience to try and help people think more positive about situations that aren't as bad as they seem, and to make moves on the board that work out better for them.

Another thing I see a lot of is this - if we aren't experiencing the same problems as some other aspies at the same time the person is venting we "don't know what it's like". They become extremely defensive, defend a meagre point for the sake of their ego then instantly contradict it. I find this very saddening, and hope they realise not everyone goes to advice sections just to vent (I mean, if they did, who would be giving the advice?).

All in all, I am just venting here, but the message is still the same - one aspie can be entirely different from another aspie. Varying levels of confidence, experience, knowledge, IQ, interests, social life and other things. Our Asperger's isn't what everyone else's Asperger's is like. And we should listen to one another more often (if and where we can). We aren't traitors to each other. At times we might be allies on different sides of a battlefield, but we are all in the same boat.

-JM.

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21 May 2012, 12:36 pm

J-P wrote:

I remark that somes aspies that act like normal peoples. How they can deny our aspie nature? Social thing is not for aspie i'm sorry we hate all that. Dating,girlfriend,friends an social life is not what we prefer. How somes of us can enjoy theses things? They are traitors or fake aspies that sure. Like an undercover agent. I think i loss my sanity little by little consumed by hate and solitude. Or Maybe i'm right that somes aspie are pseudo aspie

What makes you think all aspies desire complete solitude....I personally like to hang out with other unusual people. I kinda stay away from mainstream society as much as possible though because it freaks me out to be honest, so I don't want any part of it. I don't see how not having a total lack of interest in social interaction necessarily makes someone 'normal.'

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Mummy_of_Peanut
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21 May 2012, 1:53 pm

This is an old thread. Please be aware that some of the contributors are no longer here.

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JanuaryMan
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21 May 2012, 3:16 pm

So it is. I wonder how people find these old threads, probably Google.

Banquo
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21 May 2012, 4:24 pm

Apologies - I was looking at thread titles and it look interesting

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