Dealing with a Bully?

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On the question of fear . . .

I let myself be intimindated and bullied a year ago working at this awful department store. At age 47. It hurts. This one I lost. (Yes, all this Christmas season 2010-2011.)

I'm Christmas help. It's the commission suit department. Of course he doesn't want me there.

He says all this critical hostile stuff to me as I'm at my assigned work station in business attire and he's on his day off in street clothes. He pumps this other guy who later gets in my face and says, "When I give you a work assignment [and literally shakes a finger in my face] . . . I expect you to do it!" I get angry and then I'm afraid I'm going to get fired.

At first this main assistant manager says, "I don't think *Daniel has any supervisorial authority at all." But then he says, "I feel there's something you're not telling me." And later the same day he visits the suit department, and the shirts as always need some folding and straightening, and he says, "You have your work cut out for you."

The next day, on an off day, I call my department manager. That day she's sympathetic and even shocked that it went this far, that *Daniel did this. But the day after that, she says, "Commission sales people are territorial." I say the guy's coming in and talking trash when I'm on the clock and he's off the clock. She says, "Well, whether on the clock or off the clock, commission sales people are territorial." Well, where does that leave me. Why don't I count as a commission sales person? (even though we later found out that I was)

That Friday I talk to the human resource lady because it feels like the right thing to do.

And then I basically stop fighting. (The HR lady was formalistically helpful.)

(It later occurs to me between the first day and the second day, that main assistant manager got to my departmental manager)

It's marginally better. It's still a limp along.

Part of is was fatigue and discouragement.

And, I was afraid.

The bully in suits was a seether. Oh, sh!t, he had a lot of anger. I'm 5'6". He's a husky 6'1" or so. And even though he's sixty years old and overweight, he is still a large individual. And beyond just the possibility of a physical fight, I'm worried about weapons, revenge, etc.

He talks to me while I'm at shoes and gives 'instructions,' in order for him to try and cover up for talking trash on his day off.

I'm relieving him in suits as he's taking a meal break, he asks me if I could help him clean up the dressing room, saying that he's been tardy. That's his nice side. Being a good sport, I decide to try. We have customers, we're somewhat busy. So, it only partially gets done, which is okay, it's a start. But I probably should have anticipated that he would have used this against me. I probably should not have done anything in the dressing room. I collect a big bag of plastic dress shirt bags, stiff white paper backing, stiff white collars, white tissue paper, etc. I put the clothes on the high shelf behind the register as a staging area. And that's what he gets me on. I later hear him telling the manger that when he came back, there was at least three shirts behind the register . . . I felt like dumping out the big bag of trash, or taking it all back to the dressing room. I thought about talking to the manager but she is the "commission sales people are territorial" manager.

And here's the one that really sticks in my crawl. Around Thanksgiving (before all this bad stuff), he puts both hands on my shoulder to indicate to me to move to the other register and let him have 'his' register. A little cheap oneupsmanship, but I don't say anything. After all this bad stuff, I'm back there working in suits when he puts both hands on my shoulders. Some pressure to move to the side. I resist. He applies more pressure. I go along. I step to the side. I hate this.

In part, it's a no win situation. The managers are not effective people in favor of people being treated decently. Instead, I'm 'just Christmas help.'

And in part I was afraid of this seething large bully.

Yes, I was afraid.

I want to tone down what I said before. One important goal is to give him nothing to latch onto. So, for example, you might say "I'm not interested" in a completely matter-of-fact tone of voice, as if you are being approached by a pesky salesperson. And if he continues saying hurtful things, the option of putting a hand on his shoulder or the heel of your hand on his rib cage and pushing. Then continue walking calmly in a well-trafficked area, so if he attacks you from behind, there'll be witnesses.

If he does something, he'll be the one over-reacting. You are not acting in any fashion that later gives them a story.

If he's smaller than you, then the hand on the shoulder and push.

If he's the same size as you, then perhaps the option of the heel of the hand to the ribcage. Please trust your gut feelings in a calm moment regarding whether this feels like a constructive course of action. He might later tell a school authority that you "hit" him. "No," you can say calmly, "I pushed him. I told him I wasn't interested. When he kept going on and on, I pushed him."

(I even recommend the outside of the heel of hand little-finger side where there's a good bony prominence. Feel your hand and see. You would then be following the marital arts principle of concentrating force on smaller area. Hand placed against the person's side and a good hard shove. See if you can get a marital arts instructor to give you one or two private lessons. Practice does make a difference. And ribcage is much easier to find than solar plexus and has a much bigger margin of error.)

This is one reason it's good to talk to a school authority first, if possible. "It's beginning to be a problem . . " that's a good way to approach it. If the teacher or principal gives you overly specific advice (just like I'm giving you right here ), maybe say "okay, if it feels like the right thing to do for the circumstances . . ", for you don't want the school official to become married to his or her own advice. (I'm doing it by the Internet so I'm not so married to my advice. You might do something entirely different which works just fine and more power to you.)

If the guy's bigger than you, no, I don't recommend a quick shove to his ribcage. There's too much downside.

Now, with the possibility of boxing lessons, it's a baseline of preparation and mainly for someone your own size. Boxing is more for school fights. Something like tae kwondo or jui jitsu is more for like a serious situation if someone threatens you with a weapon away from school. If you use karate for a school fight, you might be perceived as a bully and really to some extent you might be a bully. And the goal is to neither be a bully nor be victimized by a bully.

Maybe by phone call or email or personal visit, check out one or two local boxing instructors. And again, I recommend saying something like "I don't want to take a bunch of blows to the head. I don't want to use headgear," in large part to get the fiction that headgear protects off the table. If the instructor says headgear is required, maybe respond, "Okay. But you know I don't really believe in the headgear. I still don't want to take a bunch of blows to the head. Mainly, practicing some blocks and then some bag work." Or, a parent or relative could say some of this. The thing is, a person can learn a fair amount with just a couple of private lessons and then practicing on their own.

The goal of boxing lessons is a baseline of confidence and preparation. It's something you're hoping not to have to use.

If they threaten to get physical, take the next step. Contact the police. Do you have an on-campus officer at your school? If so, talk to him.

"Beating up" on people is a serious offense (Battery) and depending on how bad it is they can end up in Juvenile detention.

Not only will the police take care of it, they'll scare the bullies into never doing it again.

I used to believe in the whole "violence doesn't solve anything" mindset, but I really wish I would have been different back then. Most teachers when I was younger did nothing to help. In fact, they would bring the bully and I into "counseling" together, which made it worse and gave them something else to bully me about.

I would recommend Krav Maga. It's a form of self defense that's very practical, doesn't require fancy movements, and gets your point across without actually hurting anyone (though they will be uncomfortable). There are also martial arts instructors who specifically teach kids who are being bullied in school and how to deal with them if they get too close or physically threaten you. If anything, it will give you a huge boost in confidence.

Believe it or not, by helping yourself in this way it will also help that bully. One day they'll mess with the wrong person and they could end up dead.

I used to get picked on at school for being so introverted and small. I made it through, and now at 22 my younger brother is 15 and in high school. I'm now built, 170 Lbs, 5'9 and in the military. I get infuriated at the very idea of anyone treating my brother like they did me at his age. I ask him about semiannually about it and so far he's says nobody has done anything. He's the same height as I was at his age but he weighs more than I do even now, which is why I worry. If anything were to happen to my brother the kid responsible would be lucky if he could attend class the next day.

Tell the principal about it. If possible, carry a spy camera and record them in the act.

I was bullied horrifically throughout school, I can tell you from experience that the only way to effectively preventing bullying is not one that any councillor will recommend, when I was in high school I was targeted by every bully within a five mile radius, you know the scenario right? take my things, beat me up, insult me but enough of my sob story. One day, after a particularly harsh prank that resulted in the total loss of a four hour project at the hands of some insecure fat guy looking to win over the cool kids I snapped and beat him to the ground with a chair, I broke his nose, 2 fingers and cracked a rib. I did suffer repercussions mind, spent the next year or so in therapy and whacked out on pretty heavy meds, however, I was never bullied afterwards.

I'm not saying this is what you should do, my situation was pretty dire and the fat kid was in a worse state for quite a while afterwards. But it should be important to keep in mind that sometimes, no matter how rational or passive you try to be, violence can be the answer.