My failing marriage

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Forgive me for not quoting OP, here is my response.

Your approach is good. I wonder sometimes if my husband will get some of the things that upset me, he makes a sincere awesome effort to make it up to me and he is also very sincere in being sorry but when asked what he is sorry for, he always says he doesn't know, he feels it so he says it, and that's good enough for me. I tell him corrective behaviors if they're needed. I have instructed him on how to talk to me when I'm upset too which has helped tremendously. I know what you mean when they 'go away' it's very frustrating, as females we need that attention, imo, to feel loved. I do remind him that when we're together to please be present too and if he is feeling overwhelmed we will change activities. Often we will do solo activities for long hours together, perfectly content.

I imagine that there is a place the two of you can reach, you have a sweet man that is going through something overwhelming and losing you, his most likely only anchor, is what is keeping him in his tailspin.

Get to a point you can finish grieving your losses and your hurt from your relationship. Heal, take that time, go back to him he truly loves you. At least from what I can read he really sounds like my hubby and I know he loves me.

You need to take care of you and your kids first. He is a big boy. He needs to take care of him. Many times in long marriages the defining lines of "self" get blurred with "couple". You are you and he is he. You are responsible for your actions and he for his. He seems lost and unsure of his emotions and feelings. Only he can want to fix that within himself. He has to seek the professional help and do the hard internal work. I would suggest you get on with your life. If, in the future he decides to make choices to straighten his life AND he is actually doing it, maybe then you can decide if you want to approach a relationship with him again. Best of luck. I know it is hard on you.