Verbal Bullying

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This is a case of school sanctioned bullying of a child with a disability (I actually hate labels, but sometimes you need to pull the card) which is illegal. If your son has the appropriate paperwork, let the principal know in no uncertain terms you expect that he follow the law, and take a strong anti-bullying stance.

I would tell them exactly what you said in your original post. I haven't read through the thread yet and I don't know how old he is, but if he's old enough maybe you could give him a phone that he can record it on without them seeing it. Have him respond to them and record what they do. Then take that to them and say "This isn't much but it's going to push him over the edge because of his autism and I would like for it to be stopped before that happens'.

Also, I don't know how old he is, again, but if you explain to him how it could really mess him up if he explodes at them then that might help him hold out a little longer if he can. You can't always though, even with a good reason. I had to confront my bullies and get into physical confrontations with them a couple times to make mine stop, but that was in the 70's when you could fight at school and not have the cops and CPS and juvie and all that involved.

I will say that from my experience the only way I've ever gotten a bully to stop, even as an adult, is to confront them. It dosn't usually get physical as adults and I can usually embarrass them into stopping it, but if he could learn some good, quick comebacks and how to use them that might help. It would make it intensify for a while but if he keeps up giving it right back then it will stop. As long as he doesn't get emotional when he gives it back. Thats what they want. He has to sound cool, calm, and like he doesn't give a rats ass about them. If he can do that then he stands a chance of making them back off himself. Otherwise you need to explain it to them like you did here. I'll have to look at the rest of the thread to see what else was said but thats my gut reaction.

After reading the responses I wanted to add that I do agree that they are doing just normal kid stuff. I have four kids, all NT except I think my youngest son may have a touch of my AS and I've seen this kind of thing done all the time, between siblings and with friends, etc. When NT kids do it to each other they just get annoyed and know they can't pop off at them for that. They do it like that for that very reason, to annoy the other kid knowing that the other kid knows it's not serious enough to hit them for. It's usually forgotten about within a few minutes by the NT kids it's done to. Thats why they don't take it seriously. They don't understand that it bothers him more because AS can make you take things way too seriously. I've been there myself. Kids would do things to other kids and the other kids would blow it off but it would be horrible for me. Seeing how I reacted to that would cause them to do worse things to get more of a reaction out of me.

While they do probably target him because of his AS, the kids probably don't know that he perceives it differently than they would or the other kids would. Thats no excuse for them continuing it but kids see things differently than adults and his reaction is what is entertaining them. They may not stop altogether if he doesn't react at all or they may cut out a lot of it if he's not giving them what they want, but if they just really dislike him they will escalate it because they probably think his reaction is funny.

I don't think it's a lack of caring on the school's part, it's more than likely a lack of information. When they see 90% of kids shrug something like that off they think that the kid just needs to toughen up. Which is, however unpopular, true and it's painful and not fun to do and I hate that anybody has to do it. However not all kids can do that and so they need to know why certain kids literally cannot shrug it off and need somebody to step in and do something about it.

So, they probably dont understand the actual perception differences that AS causes and how it's very different from how NT kids perceive something. With NT kids, they might not blow it off because they haven't learned to deal with the world and have had overprotective parents and that can also be true of AS kids, but I'd get some information and sit down with them at the school and explain the perception differences that AS kids have and how you can't just explain how it's not like that and expect them to believe it and start acting like that. NT kids toughen up a whole lot quicker and easier than AS kids do, trust me I know that for a fact. It's really hard to do and I'd encourage anybody with AS to try and toughen up the emotional sensitivity because it was one of the hardest things for me to deal with until I finally got that callous on me after years. However, I dont think that it's best to just throw them in the lion's den after they have shown that they can't deal with it.

I'd be very wary of the short bus. That carries a lot of stigma to it, and it might be that his communication skills will improve over time but the short bus rep will stay with him. It also might make kids write him off completely as "different for sure" instead of just "kinda wierd" which may be how they see him now.

That is just my opinion though. But I'd get up to the school with hard copies of things they can read that backs up what you need to tell them about AS and perception. I think perception is a huge issue.

If the boys treat your son in the same manner as others, I would say it is normal boy behavior.

If the boys deliberately sit near your son and consistently badger him when they do, that is bullying, that only happens when adults condone it. Multiple boys, egging each other on, present a threat that most children would respond to. Whether they would be able to laugh it off, they would still feel threatened. Your son is forced to go to school. He has to know he is safe. It is the principal's job to make children safe in school property.

I wonder if the kids are so manipulative they make the victim look crazy and too sensitive and the grown ups get duped by it. I have read about how bullies tend to work in pairs and they will make it look like the victim is the bully and they are the crazy ones and the teachers think they are so innocent. So it is a possibility I was being bullied in 7th grade and I was told they were just being kids and just having fun. How many times have we been told this growing up and our feelings being dismissed? But yet when I would tease, I would get scolded for it while it was for other kids to tease.

I have a different perspective now about my school principal in 6th grade, she probably thought the kids were just being kids and she didn't really understand so she was trivializing it and said I had to toughen up. She probably didn't understand they were specifically targeting me. But sometimes I do wonder in my earlier years if kids really were just innocent and I took it too personally so kids thought I was mean so they did it more to just piss me off.

So, we're trying out the special ed bus despite my misgivings. The school assured me that there's not as much stigma attached to it as there used to be, and that most other kids wouldn't even know he rides it.
Guess what happened? The new bus picked him up at the EXACT same time the old bus was going by. So, the old bus had to sit and wait while all the kids watched DS get on the special ed bus. Yeah, I'm sure that won't make his life any more difficult.

I think kids can identify peers on the spectrum better and faster than most psychologists, though I know a lot of people worry about kids finding out labels.

See what happens. There is social pressure not to torment children for a disability. Not that bullies care, but they're performing for bystanders and this might not be as bad as it seems.

Let us know what happens?

I do believe there is somewhat less stigma. I have repeatedly asked my son if he has ever been teased for being in Learning Center and he said no. He said no one cares. Hopefully this will hold true for your son on the bus, too.

I noticed kids left me alone in 7th grade when I got an aide and was placed in the resource room. I think kids will not pick on someone who is in special ed or rides the special bus or has an aide with them. There is a social rule about picking on disabled kids and kids who are in special ed so therefore they are left alone. Also notice how kids who are obviously disabled don't get picked on? I certainly wasn't picked on when I was in a self contained room until I was placed in mainstream and kids at my new school started to harass me and tease me especially on the bus. It didn't matter if I came out of special ed, I looked normal, was in normal class with normal kids so it didn't matter. They could get away with it without being shunned. It also didn't matter if I went so special ed a few times a week for about an hour to catch up on my education.

I would talk to the kids' parents, but when you do, it's important that you not approach them in a confrontational manner. They might not know what's going on. In fact, it might get the point across better if your son talked to them. I would also inform the bus driver that the kids' have been bullying your son on the bus and ask if he/she could make sure the kids are separated. For example, your son can sit up front near the driver and the offenders can sit in the back.

Society expects children to tolerate abuse that we would never expect adults to tolerate, which is unfortunate. I observed a boy at my school being bullied in a similar manner once. In this case, the offenders weren't necessarily intending to harm him in any way, but they were entertained by the fact that he was easy to get a rise out of. The boy would always try to reason through the traps they would set for him, and this would just give them more fuel to torment him with. The teachers would tell him to ignore them, but this only tends to work when the kids know that it's someone they can't get a rise out of, and since they know they could get a rise out of the kid, it usually just escalated the situation as they tried different ways to get a response out of him. Looking back, I think the best thing he could have done, and excuse the crassness of this, but it would have been for him to tell them to go "f*** themselves" and walk away. In this situation though, it was a given that this would not have resorted in any type of violence, because the kids did not hate, or even dislike the boy, and they did not have any actual animosity towards him. I can't say the same would be true for your son's situation.

First of all, going forward, document everything that happens in email. Get as accurate information out of your son as you can, write it down in an email to yourself. If you can create a timeline of what was said when, make one up and send it in an email. Copy your school principal, your school district's head of special services, and your superintendent.

Second, it doesn't matter what the other kids did or whether or not it was "normal behavior." Your son told them to stop, and they did not. They were not minding their own business or otherwise engaged in something he had no right to stop - they were addressing him: therefore, that is bullying. This is not nothing, the school is trying to get inside your head and manipulate you into backing off by telling you it is your child's fault somehow.

Third, if your child is identified as on the spectrum and he isn't expressing himself appropriately, that again is on THEM; appropriate conflict resolution should be part of his social skills and pragmatic speech training. I would remind them that if he said something so inappropriate that it goes on his permanent record, that is reflective that his supports at school are not working. It is also the school's job to offer disability awareness to the kids in their mainstreamed classes, and to make sure students understand the appropriate way to treat a student with a difference.

I would tell the school that you will accept the SPED bus as a TEMPORARY fix for a problem that is THEIR problem. They are legally obliged to provide whatever supports he needs to attend school in the "Least Restrictive Environment." In this case, riding the bus with the kids he attends school with - with an aide or with preferred seat placement that protects hi - would be the least restrictive, wouldn't it? The SPED bus is decidedly restrictive. They are interfering with his right to a "free and appropriate" education under IDEA. (magic words in quotes.)

No matter where you are in the US, (if that's where you are) you should be able to get support from either your state - either the Board of Ed or the Dept of Health and Human Services, or from a statewide or national advocacy service. Make sure that your special services director and superintendent know, and if they don't help get the situation resolved, call the Board of Ed and file a complaint.

I know this seems like an over-the-top response for name calling. One way I check myself to see if I am being one of "those" parents is to ask myself what would happen if the child in question had a visible disability. For instance, if your son was blind, and kids were teasing him this way - wouldn't you feel justified in a strong response? Wouldn't you feel that his reaction was justified? Totally unacceptable on the part of the school and the other parents.

Instead of the sped bus, ask the regular bus driver if he can sit in the front near the driver...if he wasn't sitting there before. I am a high schooler and unlike most HS students, who love to sit in the back of the bus and gossip...and use profanity...and be an idiot, I spend time with my driver in the right front seat. Easier to hang out with the driver than with other kids who are being idiots.
Most likely it might be a fight...elementary and middle school routes are usually assigned by grade level (e.g. Kindergarten in front, 5th grade in way back) but it's good to give it a try.

Great to have your input!

Having him sit in the front seat was my first idea, but the school assigns every grade a seating section on the bus(kindergarteners in front) and they are being extremely rigid about it. Also, I have been told by DS's teacher that the bus driver is "not very supportive", and I am reading between the lines that she's kind of a jerk. I don't want him sitting near her if she's going to be a punk to him.

Thanks, this helps. Especially the "least restrictive environment" part.

So sorry to hear that. Then I go back to the adults in control establish a bully encouraging or discouraging environment. Recognizing this, in some US states (Maryland is one), the law allows supervisors of bullies to be sued as individuals for failing to stop the behavior after being informed. If the suit is successful, and the organization backed the supervisor, then the organization can be sued.

Education is mandatory in many societies. Children are forced to go to public schools if not in private or home schools.

The principal is responsible for the safety of each child on/in school property, including buses. Request help in writing. If that fails, insist on school-wide anti-bully instruction at the district level.