exposing more wierdness to more people...

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Around the age of thirty I entered a phase of unrestrained weirdo activity. This was long before I had even heard of AS. At the time, I had recently left a job where I had felt my character had been unduly repressed. Also at the time, I was coming to the realization of how different I had always been from everyone else and that my condition was not changing as I aged. There was a backlash against my feeling of repression and I really let go and did whatever I felt.

During that time, I resumed an activity I enjoyed in childhood: tape recording myself. I carried a small cassette recorder everywhere and spoke whatever was on my mind. Later, I would listen to myself repeatedly, just like I did when I was a kid. I gave voice to any weirdness that entered my mind and it was a great release.

Also, I began wearing pajamas everywhere, even to work, and assumed a generally unkempt appearance. I spoke to myself in public without a care what others would think. If I wanted to stare at a tree or at clouds for hours, I would do it, even though I knew it would look like I am on drugs. I told people about J.R. “Bob” Dobbs even if they didn’t want to hear about him. I chewed my nails, bit my hands and laughed at my inner thoughts constantly and did so more fervently if anyone had the nerve to complain about it.

Some people I associated with at the time noticed me getting weirder and mentioned it to me. My gateway friend at the time didn’t care at all and completely accepted me the way I was. Eventually, the desire to be openly odd faded and I resumed dressing in a normal fashion and toned down some of my behaviors. It had occurred to me as well that in such a condition I would most certainly be found unappealing by members of the fairer sex.

I’ve been rather lucky with the friends I’ve had and girlfriends as well. It is true that the more comfortable I become with someone, the less I restrain my behaviors. I don’t like feeling that I can’t be myself and believe it is extremely detrimental to my mental health to repress my behaviors. In the past, self-repression has caused me endless stress and anger.

I find showing my true self is inevitable if I'm around someone long enough. My NT act is very stoic and even colder than I usually am noramally so I'm going to eventually slip up or I will have to gradually act more like myself and hope that it doesn't cause any problems.

dimmit... Whatroth eyest I AS self be manifest???

Synchro, I can't believe you were going to work in your PJs! Did you do it on a regular basis? What job were you working then?

Looking back, I can’t believe I was dressing like that either! I was employed at a one-hour photo lab at the time, so part of my duties was customer service. Usually I would just wear pajama bottoms as pants, but they clearly were pajamas sometimes with cartoon prints and an open fly like underwear. The elastic on the pajamas was a welcome change from squeezing my expanding waistline into blue jeans. Sometime I wore pajama tops as well, but usually I would wear odd t-shirts, often items purchased from the Church of the Subgenius.

In most places of employment, that would be entirely unacceptable garb. However, the proprietor of the lab died while I was employed there. The business remained in operation for more than a year after his demise, under the supervision of the most senior employee. The employees were laid back people and I wouldn’t have been fired for any reason short of burning the building down.

When I came to my senses and began dressing in a more respectable manner, I realized that by dressing like a buffoon I had most likely ruined my chances with the cute checker at the supermarket next door. The pajamas, “Bob” shirts, and daily beer sales were probably a huge turn-off.

I am still afraid of people as I only have a few friends, and no girl seems to want to go out with me. And someone in my school threatened to kill my dog.