Question from an NT wife

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He does have to be there for his kids. Perhaps more than he has to be there for you.

I agree with what everybody has said about shutdowns. I would also add besides emotional overload sensory overload by itself or in combination of sensory and emotional overload can cause shutdowns. While one event might trigger a shutdown usually it is the result of a buildup of things over time.

Getting diagnosed well into adulthood often causes one to completely reassess ones life, to see that things that happened to you, happened for a completely different reason then you previously had thought.

I would advise him to join our forum. We have many people who found out they were autistic well into adulthood and share common experiences and traits. Many of the people here are very knowledgeable about autism.

Thank you all for sharing. I have a lot to process.

I agree with a previous post that emotions combined with physical environment itself can create a lot of stress (average people don't get as stressed from just the environment), so extra space is nice to deal with it.

Another thing is that autistic people, I believe tend to be logical thinkers. They are not as good at expressing themselves, as they feel there is no need to talk about something that is obvious to them, or can be observed or makes logical sense.

Your husband might have locked himself up so to speak, but it may be possible to help the situation through some diplomacy.

Could you give me an example?

Does your husband have a "special" special interest?

What are these problems you speak of? What do you see as the problem between you and him? We can talk in very general terms and without touching the actual points of pain but this could well be too broad. Sometimes you have to name what's going wrong (I don't mean to him right now) if you want help with whatever is going difficult.

Also, who suggested to get a diagnosis in the first place?

Just his work.

I actually don't see a problem between me and him. He shuts down during conflict and it causes him an "uncomfortable feeling" that is so unbearable he would rather abandon the relationship than feel like that. The conflict can be anything... I want him to go to church with me, I ask him to stop sharing inappropriate videos with our kids, etc... I was trying to find out if there is a better way to communicate things to avoid a shutdown.

He figured out he has Aspergers when I suggested we get our son tested. I was reading the signs to him and he said, "you are describing me". We both started researching and we are both convinced that's what he's been dealing with. So, technically he is undiagnosed.

Finding out you're on the spectrum late in life can be rather rough. On the one hand, a lot of confusing things suddenly make sense, on the other, why am I finding out about this now, how am I supposed to deal with this and I don't particularly feel relieved.
Everyone who has to go through this deals with it differently. There aren't any good guide books and there doesn't seem to be much research on it.
For me it has been a bit of a mixed bag. I don't feel so bad about ditching social engagements anymore since I now know why they make me feel uncomfortable, but by the same token, I tend to ditch them out of hand. If my wife needs me to go to something I need more than a bit of notice and she has to make it clear than I'm expected to attend. For something like church, preparation has to start a couple days in advance. I want to go and I try to go, but if I don't prepare for it well in advance then I'll just sleep in Sunday morning.
If you want your husband to go with you to church then the conversation needs to happen during the week, when the sense of urgency isn't there. It can be very uncomfortable when you are putting on your makeup and asking him why he isn't dressed yet when he was expecting to do something else with his day. Now I have no idea how this is brought up, but just something to consider, give him time, so he can plan on it. Also, make sure anything he is uncomfortable with is taken care of. I hate having to find a spot and I like sitting in the same place, every week. His aversion to going could be any of a number of reason, so just help the process be more comfortable.
As for the videos issue, it could easily be how you are talking about it. For me my wife will sometimes say something and then be upset with me and I won't understand why, and it's like pulling teeth to get her to tell me what the problem is, which just makes the whole situation worse because then she thinks I'm upset because she was telling me I did something wrong but really, I'm upset because she was upset that I didn't understand and then I had to have this long drawn out battle to find out why she was upset and sometimes, it's just easier to not worry about it. She's upset and there isn't anything I can do about it, so it sucks. Be clear in your communication. What part of the videos is inappropriate? Why shouldn't the kids see it from dad if they're just going to see it from some other school kid anyway? If it is appropriate in an office environment, why isn't it appropriate at home? Talk with him clearly, explain to him what you dislike, and why.
Also, and this is difficult, the emotional content is often lost and confused. There aren't words in the English language to describe how I feel, I have no clue how my wife feels. I can imagine, but when I try to discuss it I just come up short, and she just expects me to be able to tell by looking at her.
So be aware that clarity in communication can be a big issue.
Anyway, just some thoughts.
Good luck and stay safe.

And he has told you he wants a divorce?
I think for him it might already be over.


I don't blame him for not wanting to go to church. Just an excuse for mindless chitchat, at least for me.


Good for you for being proactive with your son. Has he been diagnosed?

I realize that while your husband is in shutdown, talking would be pointless. I think that when he is able you should talk to him about several specific things: seeing a specialist regarding diagnosis. The thing is, severe depression will also leave one unable to speak. If he is depressed he should get help quickly. Also, you need to ask him how he sees his relationship with his kids in the future. Does he want to get his own place? When does he want to see them?

Also, separation is not necessarily the end. Sometimes people just need space for a bit to regroup.

The going to church thing..that can present problems, especially if one is not a believer in communal religion. I don't abide somebody trying to force religion down my throat.

What are his own views about religion and church?

What are your conflicts like? Heated or calm?

I am so incredibly thankful for all these responses. Regaring his views on religion, we have the same beliefs. Our pastor recently resigned and we decided we no longer wanted to attend there. We have been trying new churches and I can see now, how this is probably overwhelming to him. I don't even like it. Maybe I can go alone until I find one I like, since we usually like the same thing, then have him try it.


Thanks to the input from you all, he has realized how much effort I have put into trying to understand him. The past two nights we have spent hours on the phone going over just about everything. Even looking back at situations that happened before we realized he had Aspergers and now making sense of them. It has been difficult for him to talk about, but he made it through and I think we both have a better understanding of each other. I'm sure there is a lot more to learn, but we both agree there is still hope for our marriage and I couldn't be happier.

Thank you all again.

Sounds like the guy is really trying.

I wouldn't have the patience to "talk" about our relationship so much.

There seems to be hope here.

That's what I thought! He kept trying to say he didn't think he felt love for me or for anyone, but I pointed out the fact that him having the conversation was evidence to me that he loves me or at least cares enough about me to endure the pain. I made sure to let him know how much I appreciated it, told him all the things I love about him and admitted my own shortcomings, that seemed to make him feel better.