Do you enjoy being a parent?

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I sometimes regret that I've never had kids.

Both my husband and I love being parents, but we can't deny that it has added immense layers of stress to our lives and taken over or pushed aside many things we used to enjoy. But here is the thing: I don't think life SHOULD be without challenge. Yes, my life before kids was fun, I traveled more and had hours to spend on hobbies, but it was also so much more surface; I can't think of a better way to describe it. Kids push you out of your comfort zone in the way nothing else can, and from that you grow and learn as a person. You see life in a richer and more meaningful way, and appreciate things differently than you did before kids.

Or maybe we all see it that way to justify our choice? Like retroactive rose colored glasses? Hard to be positive about that, of course.

But, of course, it isn't for everyone. If you can't imagine your world getting rocked, then don't get it rocked. Parenting is exhausting and challenging and truly the hardest job you will ever love, but that isn't for everyone.

I do think a woman's instincts to raise children are much stronger than a man's, but men tend to come around when they meet a woman they want to spend their lives with. Somehow that little factor often makes something they couldn't see in their future become something they can comfortably visualize. But, again, not always.

In the end, you have to be true to yourself and choose relationships that allow that. Whether or not that will include the possibility of children you will have to figure out for yourself. I do know couples who have chosen together not to have kids, so it happens. The best thing to do is be honest with the women you date and let them know that you are not yet sure you want to have children. They will, of course, hear that as open to the idea, but it sounds to me like you aren't totally closed off yet, and maybe could use some time inside each relationship to decide if that is something you can suddenly see yourself doing. Just keep your girlfriend in the loop as you work it out.

but I love time and I especially love money.But I'm already stressed from work.There is no time. She believes contraceptives are a sin and also believes there's a statistically significant chance a condom would fail (if it failed wouldn't that make it less sinful).

I suggested we weight 5 years. She said by that time she'd be 30 and therefor at risk of complications during pregnancy. Really? I don't think 30 is too old to carry a child. I've known women who were 35 and successfully carried their first child. I think GF is being old fashioned when she says 30 is too old. Maybe her country doesn't have as good medical care (on the other hand, with no socialized medicine she can see a doctor at a moment's notice, unlike me. Thanks universal healthcare /sarcasm)

At 30, she is not at an increased risk for complications to a degree that is statistically significant. Stats put you at increased risk once you hit 35, but 40 is when you really have to start taking it seriously (Google advanced maternal age for more info). I think in the US, it is now common for women to wait until their 30s to have kids because it is desirable to finish school and start your career first. None of my employees in their 20s have kids now, married or not. I think there are some countries in Europe where the mean age of first childbirth is over 30 (don't quote me on that, but you might want to look it up if that would help your case...I am too lazy to look it up now )

You initially asked why we enjoy being parents, and aside from commenting that my daughter shares my same interests, I did not answer you.

Being a parent is enjoyable because you get to watch life unfold right before your very eyes. If you do decide to become a father, the first time you hear the heartbeat in the womb, it will give you chills. You will have created a life. The first time you feel the baby kick, you will have chills. Then this little tiny being comes out and it is the most miraculous thing you can ever imagine. As they grow and they learn, you feel a deep sense of pride, even though you know it is all biologically programmed. I can remember watching my kids play with toys as a baby and seeing them figure things out. I was amazed to see how truly clever they were. You get to watch it up close. I have always found it extremely enjoyable. Then they start acting more and more like little people. I marveled so much at my son's sense of humor, even from a very young age. When I would see his little mind working, it would fill me with amazement; he was so bright when he was little. My daughter always amazed me. She totally sees things differently. She used to stare at the ceiling pointing her finger and moving it. At first I thought it was just a random stim, but then I realized she was tracing shadows and imperfections in the ceiling. The entire universe is a visual masterpiece to her. Watching this grow and develop in her has been truly fascinating.

I have enjoyed watching their personalities develop. I have enjoyed teaching them things. From every day things like how to do buttons, to things like instilling morals and values. I enjoy sharing my passions with them and learning about theirs. I enjoy the thought that I am raising them to make the world a better place. On my way home from work, I always see the same homeless girl. I told my kids about her and I taught them about homelessness. I took them to the store and they picked out a backpack and filled it with things she could use, food, and a few treats. I enjoyed seeing them take an interest in someone less fortunate. When my son said to me "Mom, what if someone beats her up to take her backpack?" I felt like crying with pride. I don't know how to explain it. He is such a good kid. He is so thoughtful. I enjoy being a part of it.

I enjoy seeing them overcome challenges. Like the time the kids in my son's class told him a popular girl liked him, only for it to end up being a joke. He handled it so well. I was so proud of him. He didn't let it get him down. The girl actually ended up becoming his friend. I enjoy seeing my daughter learn to advocate for herself. Last year, she was actually able to explain to her friends, in her own words, what it's like to be selectively mute. She is becoming increasingly self-aware. She has always been very verbal since she started talking, so she has often been able to explain things that I think most parents of autistic kids can only wonder about. I deeply enjoy being a part of helping her to embrace all of her differences. My parents never understood anything about me when I was a kid (common back then). It made me feel like a freak. My daughter knows nothing of her diagnosis. But she does know she sees the world differently than most people, that she has a harder time with change, and that she has a harder time with "social smarts," and she is growing up to be OK with this. I enjoy watching it. It fills me with pride.

I enjoy that we share similar neurology and that we call each other "weird" and find humor in all of our quirks. I enjoy that we love each other unconditionally. I enjoy that sometimes we can find something online that we find so funny that we laugh until it hurts. I enjoy that we can all respect each other's boundaries. Each of us can ask for time alone and have it be respected.

I enjoy that even though both of my kids are not one to greet people, they both stop what they are doing when I get home from work to ask how work was and to tell me they love me. They do this, not really because they want to, but because they know it makes me feel good. They don't do it begrudgingly... it's just that they both understand that sometimes things that seem meaningless to you can make someone else feel really good, so they do it. I appreciate that these beautiful kids do something that simple just to make me feel good.

I know these are not typically things that people "enjoy." But there is something deeply fulfilling about the connection between a parent and a child, IMHO. It is unlike any other human connection I have ever felt. Of course, there are times of frustration, aggravation, anger, hurt, and a whole host of other emotions that would not fall under the category of "enjoy," but all of those pale in comparison to the deep fulfillment you feel as you watch this person that you made learn, develop, and grow. Sometimes I think we parents of SN kids are particularly blessed in this way because we don't take any of it for granted. We notice every little milestone. My son learning to tie his shoes at the age of 11 made me SO FREAKING HAPPY! I am sure most parents don't even notice this much when their kid learns it at 5. I remember the day when my daughter got in her first "argument" in preschool. I was so proud of her! It meant that she actually opened her mouth and stood up for herself!

As I type this, I realize none of it will make sense to you. It wouldn't have made sense to me before I had kids, but hey, I have spent too much time typing it to delete it now! LOL!

I don't care whether I'd enjoy it or it'd be a living hell. I'd like to have children no matter what, to succeed as a living being, perpetuating my genes and thus proving they're not so bad after all. I'm willing to undergo the absolutely most painful ordeal in exchange for it. Naturally, this isn't enough and it won't happen.

As is so often the case, I harmonic resonances in myself with the things expressed by DW and InThisTogether.

Here's the rub: every bad thing you've imagined about parenthood is true, but from the perspective of being a dad who loves his kids, none of that is anything close to important. My sense of what matters and what does not matter is so transformed by the reality of the profound experience of watching my children come into the world and grow, that I can barely remember why the trivial crap that used to seem important to me once carried such significance.

I know this isn't the way it is for all parents. There are plenty of parents out there who hate their children and lead lives of rage and desperation. It would be great if people knew ahead of time that that would be them and then didn't get that nightmare train rolling.

But that's not my story. My wife is my best friend, but my kids have grown from people I was amazed by and loved to friends at the same sort of intimate level as that deep friendship with my wife. I think they will be friends until the day I die. The thing I was saying about shared interests is just the palest shadow of the reality. They are young still and so inexperienced, but they are wonderful people and I feel very fortunate to have them in my life.

From my perspective, a life overflowing with money and time but without such love and friendship would be an empty, desperate one. I can remember a future that looked like that, before I met my wife, and I had oceans of time and enough money to do more or less what I wanted in New York--no cars, trips to exotic locations or whatever, but food, clothing, rent and movie/museum tickets were not a problem. I had a very hard time connecting with people and I was desperately lonely.

I still have a hard time connecting with people, but I have a rich life with my wife and kids. I know I need to develop some larger networks because I will be old and my kids grown and possibly far away, but I feel intensely fortunate to have had the thirteen years I have already had in their excellent company.

Perhaps that all sounds a bit selfish, but really, the sleep deprivation, stinky diapers, vomit and noise that naturally come with infancy seem like a tiny thing now that they are becoming teenagers. Those were rough days, but I could count the worst times in hours and on the other side of the balance are years of good and great times.

Your mileage may vary, as the meme has it.

I think that's very sensible. However, GF isn't from a western country. She says she'll work but she has no ambitions to go to school or join a profession. She doesn't seem to understand that in a western country a professional job is the only job. It's not like she can just work retail for her whole life right?

I'd like to get better established in my career before I have to deal with kids as well. That could take a long time for me because what you call a late bloomer. I started work on that when I was in my mid 20s, not 18 like normal people.
It will take practically forever for me to finish my studies because I'm already working in my chosen field. This means that I already have employment when I graduate but it takes much longer to graduate. If GF started a career now, she would also be a late bloomer starting in her mid 20s.Wow, that's nice. I just assumed kids were small sociopaths like I was at that age.You know I was actually wondering if my kids get diagnosed if it would be a good idea not to tell them. Serious question. When I learned of my diagnosis it effected me in a bad way.That's really nice. Maybe it's not all as bad as I thought it would be.Awwww Yes, if I have kids it means I'm winning at evolution.Oh no Now I'm confusedI get that but it's hard for me to let go of all the trivial crap. After I got burgled and had $20,000 worth of video games stolen, I wanted to buy them back. There are so many more important things I could spend $20,000 on. I'm starting to realize I can never be like that again. I can't buy the stuff back again and even if I could, I can't be that manchild again. Letting go is hard. Two years ago I was complaining that I hated being a manchild and wanted to change it. Well now I might get that chance. I still know people who manage to be mature adults with marriage and career who spend $10,000s on video games. The difference is they're married without kids.That sounds horrifying!Wow!I love time and money and fear their absence but you are right. Two years ago I had lots of time and money. I didn't have to work and yet I could spend $20,000 on video games. You'd think this would be paradise but I felt empty, desperate and suicidal.

My house was like an amusement park yet I wanted a career, not for the money but so I could achieve something. And the thought of spending the rest of my life in that tacky amusement park alone shook me to the core.I know the feeling. I have too many fair weather friends and no close friends. I'm wracking my brains trying to decide who I should pick to be best man at my wedding. None of them seem right. I can't think of anyone I've known since I was a teenager who's the same age as me and yet has good enough writing skills to write a decent speech.That sounds really nice.

To tell or not to tell...my son has known all of his diagnoses since he was 7 years old when he got them. My daughter was diagnosed just before she turned 2, she is almost 10, and she doesn't know. I think it depends upon the kid. My son was in a state of despair because he knew he was not like other kids, he couldn't help it, and he was drawing the conclusion that it must be because he was bad. I had to tell him. It killed me to hear him say "I know I am not supposed to do it, but I do it anyway, so I must just be a bad kid" (related to impulse control problems). There was no way around it but to tell him. He found it to be a huge relief. Since then, it has helped him put things in context. It has also helped him take things in stride, like his tendency toward (sometimes humorous) literal interpretation and his motor tics.

My daughter recognizes she is different, but she is only somewhat aware that her differences are deficits. She is of superior intelligence and is artistically gifted, so often I think her mad talents mitigate any negative feelings she has about her deficits. We have always openly acknowledged all of our deficits and have always been careful to also recognize our strengths and talents. I am not opposed to telling her, but I am not going to tell her until she starts to indicate she wants to know.

I wish so badly that I would have known what was "wrong" with me when I was a kid. I just internalized all of the negative labels that were thrown on me and it took me well into adulthood to shun them all.

Regarding "late" blooming....I did not finish my bachelor's degree until I was 28 and I finished my master's at 31 (or maybe 30 or 32, I can't remember).

Anyway, the best of luck to you...I didn't realize you were getting married...congrats!

I think this is more about who uses this forum. My experience of this forum is that it is used mostly by women. And rightly or wrongly I think it tends to be mothers who are most involved on a very detailed and daily level, and so who need a forum like this. If you went to a forum used mostly by men and asked them about fatherhood I am sure you would get a spectrum of replies, including a lot of positive replies.
For what it's worth, my own experience is that my husband was not particularly interested in having children but didn't want to end up regretting not having had them. He then struggled to adjust to fatherhood in the early days, but deeply loves our children and certainly doesn't regret it. He enjoys the children enormously and is an excellent, caring, responsible daddy.

Well, life is never clean or orderly, is it? So you like this woman but her plans and wishes aren't quite fitting in with the path you've set out on for your life, correct?

It seems, then, that you have a decision to make: is she "the one" so that you are willing to risk a life path you may not be fully ready for, or is that path too scary to the point that you would rather let her go? If you really love her (or believe you are falling in love), then you gulp hard and take a foot on that scary path. If you don't love her or don't think you can do that, you break up.

Not an easy decision, I know. I truly wish you luck with it.

ps - on the diagnosis information tangent, I firmly believe in telling. My son grew up with it as part of his identity and he is very, very comfortable with that. It is, of course, a "know your child" thing; if a child has rooted his sense of self in being like everyone else, then having the information that he is different might not be a great thing. I'm not into "waiting" until a child has crossed some theoretical maturity age; I've always told my children about everything going on around them in terms and depth appropriate to their age.

Thank you cousinharry for giving me your husbands perspective. That actually really helps,

DW_a_mom, I think that I will never meet a woman who is 100% likeminded with me and I don't think I'd want to. I'll leave that romance to Narcissus.

I really do love this woman and life has taught me there's always far more to be gained from taking the scary path. I tried to live a life without risk once. It turned me into a near recluse. Risk is necessary. Risk, when properly managed, is a positive sum game. In the last year I've learned there's much to be gained from a little risk. Yes it's scary but it's exciting. It's like asking why do people go on roller coasters.

Anyway, I won't have to do this alone. She's an amazing woman. She's like a little 5'2" dynamo. She has boundless energy and enough love for ten kids, but we agreed to stop at two. She'll be in it with me every step of the way.

To me the difference between being an individual vs being a parent is that your feelings are multiplied by 1000. I never cared as much before. I could do what I wanted and the only person impacted was me. Now 2 other people are impacted and I care more about my family than myself. So when something good happens you feel it more. And when something bad happens (in our case the difficulties of AUtism) its 1000 worse than when you're single.

Difficulties of autism? Yours or your kids?

Anyway thanks for offering a dad's perspective. It must be good but it's a little bit scary not being able to do what I want.

I should have noted that I have been a Father for less than two years and my marriage is a mess.

Almost nobody told me the downside until after it was too late. Now they say, "It will get better" and "It goes by so fast". I am wondering when that will happen.
I should also note that our first one is so needy. She cries all day and night for the first year and we still can't leave the room to go to the bathroom without her getting all bent out of shape. I haven't had a good sleep in almost two years. The second one just sleeps all day and wakes up to poop and eat.
So, the type of relationship you have and the kind of kid you get will be factors to consider.

I feel, deep down, that making it through all this will indeed make me a better person. I am just getting started.

Having a baby was the right thing for us. It's very individual, and very important. People shouldn't be pressured into having kids, and at the same time it is almost impossible to give up the dream if you want them

Think about what is right for you. That said, what's the hurry? Why is your GF so hung up on having babies soon? I would advise you to be as financially secure as you can, and try to time your final exams so they don't fall into the first six months of the baby's life.

You do not know what lack of sleep can do to a human being.

My kid's autism. Frankly that's our struggle. The hardest part is seeing your kid suffer while everyone else is happy.