Being Different.

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I don't think it is possible? He passed away over ten years ago.

He did have a moment when he was 18 and had a motorcycle accident where he didn't know what happened. He went into the back of a van, and he believed the van suddenly stopped in front of him, but as after the accident he wasn't able to recall a lot, and the van driver was denying he stopped etc, it was all just thought of as one of those things. My dad normally had a good memory.

The only symptom I have ever had that could be described along the side of having fits, I rarely get. For a fraction of a second I would get very rapid left to right to left to right etc eye movements which I could not possibly do myself. I only had these about once every few ears, and if I had one, within a few weeks I would experience this now and then and then it would go. It would be very quick ad would not last long. It was only my eyes that seemed to do this. And no one else seemed to notice, so... Did my eyeballs actually move? But how could this happen if they didn't move? They did move as I would be closing and opening my eyes after the sudden event as I would be feeling the effects of the sudden movement.

I have never ever had this happen during a partial shutdown or a shutdown. The two events are very seperate so I couldn't think to myself that I had the eye movements and expect a shutdown. It never happened like that. While I have always had partial shutdowns though until recently I didn't know what they were.... Which didn't help as I was never able to describe them in a way that doctors would not go off on other tangents saying what I was getting, which nothing really seemed to fit.


There is something I need to say, and a single event I once experienced due to this, is that in a job I have always pushed myself to my limits, which these days does not seem that much... But for me it is soo much that it takes months these days to recover.
My main issue was I would push myself and push myself and so I often ended up leaving the jobs I have had working through burnout. And thinking of this, my last few months of workingnon the railway I was actually sleeping only a few hours a night as when I push myself I relive the events of the day and can't sleep, and I also plan ahead in my mind what to expect in the next day which actually causes me anxiety though anxiety would have started it off. (I read in information on anxiety that the autism people gave to me... That the advice was to plan ahead. In my experience, if I do this I go into so much detail for such a long time I get no sleep and when the event comes and a few details are not what I expected, I get prone to shutting down. When I expect nothing and just go, I find I do better then when I plan ahead. My problem is in stopping myself planning ahead. I can be planning ahead in my mind for years filling myself with anxiety. I had a 5 year wait to have teeth out and the anxiety of not knowing if I was on their list... When it will be.... And finally after twice finding I had been taken off the list (This happens as there is a rule that lists are only allowed to be two years long, so they just remove patients from lists without telling them here in Wales)... Well. I was declared an emergency case and then seen about a year later, by which time I kept losing sight in my left eye due to absuses). I had so much anxiety and stress due to that, that I could not work much during most of that time waiting. So hardly any income.
So to be told the autism assessment could be a 2 year wait had me concerned and had me relive the previous years of waiting for dental treatment and all the years of anxiety and stress I had trying to keep going. Is why some of me wants to take myself off the list for assessment and forget it all happened so I can stop the anxiety kicking in, as if I am not on a list, it is not on my mind. But on the other hand... I need to be on the list to find out what's going on as I have reached a stage were I feel I need help.
Sometimes I feel like finding ways to end it all to rid myself of stress, but then I will heap up gallons of sadness and stress on my mother if I do that, and I love my mother... So I carry on..... Battle through it.

life is stressful enough without other people. living out in the sticks takes the edge off of it.

I know. Part of the problem we get is the sticks is soo attractive that we sometimes feel we end up with more people visiting us then if we lived in a city! And if we lived in a ciry, visitors would pop in and then go. But here they spend the whole day. We sometimes get a few who are still here at 0300am.

do you live near some kind of hotel or b and b or vacation houses?

A few miles.

that's pretty close, indeed.