My mind is either in the past or the future

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My mother actually thought she was rude to ask me that. I just took it as her wondering why out of all her neighbor’s sons, why is one still not seen with a woman? I hate that it’s still something I haven’t changed but there doesn’t seem to be any options.

My ex-friends would probably pity me for still being in the same place if they saw me now. I don’t think anything in my life is moving forward except in the direction of my own death.

I know you didn’t intend this as a joke but it kinda made me half smile and think, “Ya know, there are a number of dark humour type comics out there (eg Cyanide & Happiness) ..maybe this should be the premise of Marknis’ comic?”

It’s not like you’d run out of material. And it could actually be a healthy outlet if you can turn darkness into a bit of a laugh. Not even joking.

I personally don’t like that comic nor others like it so no, I don’t want to draw anything like that. I can only do fan art but even with that I struggle because I’ve fallen so far behind. I can only draw just profiles of characters but even then I’ve only done two since the first got more downvotes than upvotes.

So if you must measure your worth as a fan art creator by number of upvotes, persist and keep drawing. Anyone who gets good at anything does it over and over and over again until they improve.

I bet your 10th one gets more upvotes than your first one. And your 100th more upvotes than your 10th.

It’s kind of like my construction trade, which truly is an art form. My first attempt in trade school was actually pretty good overall, but took FOREVER. Then I didn’t get a chance to do the art part of it for ~2 years and when I did it was dry awkward to use the tools and my work looked like first level apprentice poo. But then over the course of 6-8 months of practice on the tools and working with a few of the most experienced best guys in the city (45-50 years experience) my work has improved TREMENDOUSLY. A 3rd year apprentice (with 8+ years part time experience) walked into a building I was finishing and took one look at my work on the walls and said with a bit of a surprise: “..this is Good!” And our trade is VERY difficult and frustrating for most people to learn. (Drywall finishing - it’s my trowel & putty knife work that’s finally looking Pro.)

A year ago I was crap at it still. I could do it, but it would be thick/uneven and require lots of sanding. Now with practice I’m getting ever better and faster at it and the quality of my work and the nice even thin low profile thickness of it is getting Really quite Good - on par with the best old timers in the city. I just need to get faster and less OCD picky - No One in this city can see and correct tony flaws in walls and ceilings like I can. Lol

Anyways, that’s the point of my story. I sucked at it like almost everyone else when they first start doing something artistic. But with practice over time I’ve gotten better and better. My work looks damned good with minimal sanding. My last client’s father said “You Are a true artist! If you Ever need a reference..” and my coworker who hadn’t seen my abilities for 8 months walked in and was stunned and said “..this is Good!” Same same applies to you and your art. Your got to do it over and over to get good at it like every other artist. Very rarely are people instant naturals at any art form. I’ve read and heard from multiple sources that it takes people, on average, 10,000 hours of practice to truly Master any skill they’re trying to learn. (Makes sense, full time work is 2,000 hours a year, so 5 years to ~Master a trade or skill.) Don’t give up after one or two attempts. Try again and again like myself and any other artist out there who’s determined to get good at something despite the naysayers criticizing his early work! Trust me, I was literally laughed at by one of my first Foremen when he saw me attempt to use a trowel on a wall.. and understandably so - it Was funny and I get Why he laughed. I didn’t let that deter me and nor should you allow a lack of upvotes on early drawings to deter you from doing, enjoying and improving your art.

I suppose I could eventually try doing fan comics (having help would make me feel more confident) but I don’t feel ready to do that. I wonder if when things go back to normal after the virus is under control and if maybe a drawing class ever opens up at the activity center, I will feel more encouraged to draw more?

I am thinking of leaving this place once again. I won’t ever be able to post about finding love and potentially starting a family like I used to hope. Alliekit is also just never coming back and she was going to help me celebrate but that won’t ever happen now.

Last edited by Marknis on 13 Apr 2020, 10:12 pm, edited 2 times in total.

You’re not the only romantic loveless one here. You and I at least have that in common. Sucks, but oh well, can’t really change s**t about that, can we?

Take a break and draw your fan art characters. Come back later and share how much you improved at it over time and how others reacted to each successive attempt.

All four of my siblings married and had children but I am the odd one out. Why was I denied what they have?

I don’t know besides to say because you’re on the spectrum and they’re not.

My older brother was married and divorced, had a kid. He’s with his fiancée and their blended family of his kid part time, her kids, and a couple of her sisters kids.

My younger sister is married with a 5yo son - he’s the youngest one of the immediate family.

My twin brother lives with his girlfriend.

All of my siblings are mildly on the spectrum whether they ever want to admit it or not.

My symptoms at my worst were WAY stronger than any of theirs. Treated, I’m now (IMO) as high or higher functioning than any of them - more to the highEr side almost always these days.

1) But still, none of my major crushes have ever been mutual.

2) I’m autistic and thus awkward and incapable of forming those types of connections anyways.

3) I still don’t want to be a burden or embarrassment to a partner. As much as I say I’d marry my crush, that part still does not appeal to me and thus it’s probably for the best that things have never worked out and I remain single. At least that’s what I tell myself, anyways.

4) I’m autistic, not stupid. I know what I look like. My skin has been destroyed by a long term medical misdiagnosis. It’s been healing for over 3 years and still has a long way to go before I can begin having scars tattooed over. Another year or 2 or 3 I’m not certain. I haven’t consulted with a doctor yet to ask about timeline because there is no medical precedent for this and they likely won’t be able to tell me anyways.

At least for myself I know Exactly why I am single. Perhaps if you analyze yourself very critically and are dead honest with yourself you might come up with your own personal list vs wonder why. IMO there’s a certain comfort in Knowing these things about myself vs just being perpetually frustrated and wondering “why?”

Even if I did let go of wanting a relationship, I still wouldn’t be able to cope with questions like “Are you dating anyone?”, “Do you want children?”, “Why aren’t you married?”, and others that I get asked. I would’ve also failed to prove those who bullied me wrong and I hate having to always be alone at family events since most of my relatives are in relationships.

Huh, I suppose I'm lucky in the sense that majority of my cousins and such are chronically single; they aren't exactly in the position to judge me.

Also, if you can make it sound like a good joke, you could answer their questions with: "I have yet to meet a woman that meets my standards."

I dunno if I’d ever Want to let go of kinda wanting one tbh. The crush I still have on the one from 3+ years ago is still a pleasant feeling. Torturous, perhaps, but it’s still welcome in my life.

So deflect with something else. I suppose I came up with these sorts of coping mechanisms earlier on in life
in order to end conversations and not disclose my sexual orientation as being gay. I’d just say something along the lines of focusing on school, or work/finances, or spending time on a hobby or with friends. Usually school/work/financial goals and people wouldn’t really pry further.

The not proving bullies wrong part would probably be the biggest piss off IF you never do. Sometimes we don’t get to prove them wrong and that’s life. But that doesn’t mean you should give up trying.

How can you ever be alone at family events? You’re with your family. Be present and enjoy that time visiting with the young and the old. Kids are good fun to entertain and play with, seniors always like to visit and tell or hear stories. Catch up with your siblings/cousins and see how they’re doing, how work and life are going etc. I had a date of sorts at a family thing Once ever, that boy a few Christmases ago, otherwise solo. Never really been an issue because I don’t make it one. I guess I also have the benefit of being gay so my family, even though they’re not homophobic jerks, probably aren’t all that interested in asking me if I’m dating anyone lol.

I just don’t want to wake up as an old man who still doesn’t have a girlfriend or wife. I’m turning 32 this year and I still can’t get a coffee date while my younger cousins who I’ve known since they were babies are getting married and starting their own families. It’s frustrating and discouraging.

My family aren’t the easiest people to interact with. They tend to be tough and antisocial.

I’ve actually gotten flack for wanting a “nerdy/geeky” girlfriend on here which is completely baffling to me.

“You don’t always get what you want.” (Whatever that song was, I’m sure you know it.)

But that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy your life & time. I don’t have everything I want or would ideally have, either, but I’m not going to choose to sit here and mope about it until I’m 100 and finally die.

I spend my time doing lots of enjoyable things. Simple things like spending time at the beach, fun things like kiteboarding or riding motorcycles.

Pick a thing or two or ten you want to do and do them. Way better way to pass the time than dwelling on the things you don’t have. No matter which way you slice it, the probability of you or I having a partner in the next hour, day, week, or year are not very high. I could choose to myself waste the next hour, day, week, or year dwelling on that though 24/7, OR, I can just accept that it is what it is, go have a laugh at the beach, rip up to Squamish and go kiting with different beach buds, hop on my motorcycle and go for a ride etc.

You’d be way happier, healthier, and better off if you’d choose to spend your time doing things that bring you joy. Whether that’s reading, drawing, playing guitar, studying some obscure special interest - whatever; doesn’t matter.. you’d be better off for it. Otherwise, not to get all biblical, but it’s the whole “idle hands,” (and mind) thing and your present moment is lost, stolen forever by worrying about things you cannot change or control.

Sure, I still think about these things from time to time and they piss me off, but I do my best not to dwell on them and to enjoy myself instead.

And the who knows, as has been discussed at length on the forums before, you never know.. you might be doing something you enjoy doing someday and some nerdy girl notices you in your happy place and that’s when you meet someone. So by not focusing on your goal you May actually have a better chance of achieving it. As backwards as that sounds, I believe it’s true.

I just can’t stop thinking about it. I see couples wherever I go and almost every day hear about someone I know or knew in the past has gotten married. Relationships just seem to be the best thing in the world and I am denied from them. The odd thing is that I am sometimes told that I am attractive and should have no problems getting women interested in me but my experiences don’t reflect what these people say.

Do you find seeing couples to be a distressing reminder of your perpetual single status?

I would have thought that having frequent sexual encounters would at least soften the blow with that. I find it difficult to imagine that somebody who is able to have sex as much as you've claimed in the past would be unable to get a romantic relationship if they wanted one.