Grief

Post Reply New Topic

I'm so sorry to hear your loss. I know how you are feeling, because my mum has stage 4 cancer and so I've got what you're going through to come. Thanks to the lockdown my mum has been neglected (because apparently COVID-19 is more deadly than stage 4 cancer ). She is only in her 50s so I really should not be even thinking about her death yet. She is very close to me and I feel I emotionally need my mum, even though I have other relatives I still cannot lose my mum. I've always feared losing my mum, and now my worst nightmare is going to happen sooner than expected and I don't want it to happen. I just wish there was a universal cure for cancer so that nobody will ever have to worry about getting cancer.

I lost my mum to cancer a few weeks ago.

Maybe someone else has been through something similar or can help plant a little seed of hope in my currently joyless mind or tell me what helped you.

She was diagnosed at the start of lockdown and sent home to die. My sister and I looked after her at home for 15 weeks during lockdown. We only had contact with medical professionals over the phone till the very end.

There were happy moments but for the most part it was an incredibly insular and intense time, fraught with responsibilities and stresses.

My other relatives seem to be coping better and resuming their lives. They're able to reason their way through with thoughts like,

"she had a good life"

"73 isn't that young"

"it's something that we all have to face"

etc.

I was there on the frontline dealing with the actual death and I found the last 48 hrs visually disturbing and distressing. My dreams were disturbing for a while afterwards. Maybe I'm in shock and that's why I only have 5% my usual energy?

25 days feels like quite a long time to feel flattened. It's taking me longer than my relatives to process and reconcile the events. I literally did 5 minutes washing up and 10 minutes cooking today, apart from that I just flitted between this place and Facebook and didn't move.

I've got a frozen shoulder too, which is a slightly depressing addition, I'm not eating much and I'm drinking 3 beers every night, which obviously doesn't help.

I went for a bicycle ride yesterday, which at least gives the feeling of having done something and it requires only a very little focus.

I'd like to visit my friends in India and play cards under the palm trees, scoot around on my bicycle. There are family friends I would normally visit in Scotland, we could chat about it, I could explore. None of these are options at the moment, so I've got to draw on inner resources to make any change.

I can't imagine turning up at work for a while yet. It's up to me when I start again, that would be a milestone. Maybe in a couple of weeks time. Lying around the place isn't helping, I feel like I'm stagnating.