I'm standing up to my abusive family, and I need your help

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Forgive me for bringing this up, but would it not make your life simpler and stop constant reminders of people who you need to not think about if you blocked them?
Every time you are notified of a message, there are the memories of misery.
If those toxic people are notified that they are blocked, they will eventually leave you alone because they CANNOT manipulate you.
Your wife and your new life deserve all of you.
If those people are truly poisonous, they deserve not one second of your thoughts.
Please block them, and warn anyone who attempts to act as go-betweens that if they try it again, they will be blocked.
You are not being mean.
Would you invite ANYONE over for dinner if they were diagnosed with Covid?
Same thing.

I did end up blocking them, in a way. I simply uninstalled the app they used to contact me. Since I have other apps for people outside family, it's no loss for me.

Emails, as far as I know, can't be blocked, just moved automatically to a spam folder. I'm considering registering a new email address for communication with other people. As you know, merely being reminded of abusers can trigger painful memories.

The hardest thing is the gap between what you wish for and what you know. I wish my family would support me, but I know they are not capable of that. The mental peace of mind I, after all, have been able to enjoy the past month or so, helps me in this situation. And tomorrow is weekend.

I think the best thing to do is turn into a ghost at this point, you don't need these people.

I did the same thing with toxic family years ago, my biggest mistake was still viewing them as family. They are not family because family don't treat each other like that. They are just very sh***y actors of a real family member.

It's best to view them as drug addicts that you can't actually help and call it a day. Because you can't help or reason with people like this, they are too far gone in the head.

Change everything, hell change your legal name - I did - it helps you get over the trauma when people aren't saying the name the abusers did and things start to go right after you do it. New social media accounts, address, legal stuff everything you can think of, even new bank account etc.

All this helps with the unresolved trauma because you have to heal from all that and this is a good way of doing it speaking from experience.

I wish you all the best and hope you recover soon.

Let us know how you and your wife are doing.

With circumstances in mind, we're doing OK. We met our brother-in-law today, and although we didn't talk directly about the miscarriage, just seeing someone close and talking for a few hours helped. We're quite exhausted though, so tomorrow will be a day of rest and recover at home, just the two of us. Seeing things such as the pregnancy brochures at home brings me down, so I'll probably put them away tomorrow. I try to not think too directly about the whole thing, while still acknowledging that it happened.

My wife feels similar to me, but of course has the additional feelings only a woman in this situation can have. She talked about how it hurt when she saw other pregnant women. She was visibly relieved though to meet her brother. Perhaps seeing and talking to a family member could help counter the feelings of loneliness and emptiness she said she felt. I'll make sure she's continuing to do as well as she can in the coming days.

Regarding my family situation, today I was more or less not thinking about them at all, which, right now, strikes me as both a relief and hopefully a sign of progress. Perhaps the mental distance is growing.

Dear fam,

If you need an explanation as to why I’m excommunicating you from my life, all you need to do is reflect on how you’ve treated & spoken to me.

f**k right off,
1986.

*block numbers/accounts/email addresses etc*

I was in my early 20s when my then fiancee miscarried. I got so upset about it, I did the stereotypical Aspie thing of withdrawing completely to lick my wounds.

The problem is, of course, my NT partner needed far more support than I did, and I effectively abandoned her while I got all wrapped up in my own sadness.

So, don't do that.

Be supportive, keep talking, take extra care. If you do need a bit of breathing space on your own, explain why, and also set a limit on it, saying when you'll be back. And make it really as short as it can be, while ensuring you're okay.

Dear 1986,
We all care about you and what you are going through.
We all see that your new country, new job, and wife who loves and needs you is actually a new life.
Live THIS one, leave the old one behind. Just like AA teaches; you CAN be a new person!
God bless!

I really appreciate that, and all the comments I get. The main reason I made this thread was that I wanted to hold on to and keep building up my independent life, but I was aware I wouldn't be able to (and didn't want to) do that solely on my own. In my family, because of both parents' substance abuse, we had an unwritten rule that *everything* stays in family. I grew up more or less isolated, with no friends outside school, and without meeting most of my relatives since they were disapproved of by my parents. It was hell at times, but I was so "inside" it that I would defend their every move, even in my head. Rape was OK, assault was OK, threatening with knives was OK, everything was OK because that's just part of family life.

At the same time, the absolutely most important part of all of this is that I don't want it to control my life anymore. If I can successfully continue the life I have established, I find solace in that.

I will try not to. The short period while she was pregnant, I was often thinking about the past where I had spent so much time on "things", like books, school, films, whatever. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but in my case it came at the expense of human relations. My marriage is the most important thing in my life, my job supports it and provides financial independence, so I want to do everything I can do keep these things in my life, and in good health.


I think they know the reason, but the won't accept it. Their self-image rests on the fact that they did nothing wrong, that they were great parents and everything and everyone turned out fine, no matter what they did or said. It's a very common thing among dysfunctional families, I've heard.

Cut ‘em loose, re-focus and be Present. There is no sense in letting them live rent free in your head stealing your present moment from you.

Goldfish is a wise man.
They ARE still living in your head.
You need that space for the good people and experiences that your new life has for you.
IF you clear that space out for them.

It's monday, and I'm back at work. Lunchbreak.

Although my present life is difficult to manage, I try to gather strength from previous periods in my life I persevered through the challenges. I've been in Japan for more than 5 years now, but before that I lived on my own in London for 3 years, studying. Although that time was very hard, it was not without happy moments, people I met, music I listened to, and so on. Even if just putting on those old tracks on soundcloud while I hammer the keys at work is all I can do, somehow my mood is elevated a bit just by hearing those familiar tunes. It reminds me of the times I managed things on my own, far from my family and even my country of origin, and that I did come out on top that time. I can do it this time too.

You deserve pleasant memories.
You deserve peace.
You deserve to be a good husband to a good person who needs and appreciates you.
After such a devastating loss, you both deserve each other’s love and focus.
You both have a good life BECAUSE of each other.
As far as I’m concerned, this is your NEW life.
Live it!

It is February, and we're back in treatment.

A very early pregnancy was confirmed last Friday, but will need to be checked continuously to see if it will remain successful.

Today is the same day, counted in days since fertilisation, as when the first signs of miscarriage appeared last time we tried. I'm worried and tense. Even if we make it to next physical examination, the blood test at that time will determine our chances.

Wish us luck.

--

Still not talking to my family. I receive some emails from my parents still, which I don't answer. Got a one sentence email from my elder brother, for the first time in like 6 months. In which he shares a video of his own child playing around. I have nothing against my niece, but I do find it kind of insensitive to a couple struggling with involuntary childlessness for several years to shove your child into their face with zero interest in you, your feelings, or your mood.

Best of luck! *fingers crossed*

Hi, it hurts to read your story. Wishing for children and going through this is heart-breaking.

I think I want to be blunt with you, bc if they still treat you the same way in the messages you read now, they will never be respectful of you. Never. (if you do have someone that are respectful of you keep contact with them)
So its best to accept the loss and move on. Let enough be enough. You have a new situation to handle, and wasting energy outside that situation is just not done. Your wife will need all of it, and then some more.
Do it.