I Really Don’t See the Point...

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I think you need some firm Dragon Hugs.

What's making you feel this way? What's causing all this despair?

I don't feel you deserve to feel this way. You're a decent person.

You are not as "useless" as you think you are.

There isn’t any one thing in particular. Just life. And fifteen years of depression that it would seem nothing whatsoever can help.

Do you feel you should talk to your psychiatrist about adjusting your medication?

I'm sorry you're having a bad day.

I hope being on WP helps a little bit.

I feel you're a good person because you don't blame anybody else for what you're feeling. You take full responsibility for it. That, in and of itself, makes you a worthy person.

I don’t think adjusting medication yet again will help. I’d try inpatient again, but I don’t think that will help, either. Feels like I’ve tried everything, nothing actually works.

I wish you would keep in mind others' input.

You might think of yourself one way; but somebody might consider you another way (and for good reason). They might like you much better than you like yourself.

If I just relied upon my own sense of myself when I was younger, I would be in a pretty lousy position right now.

Honestly, keeping others in mind is the only reason I haven’t already killed myself. Just feels like I have to keep living, I don’t actually want to. That’s why I really want something beyond my control to take me out, so it doesn’t have to be my fault, but I can be done.

I don't mean keeping others in mind in reference to ending your life.

I mean more---taking into account what others think of you.

Your father might be irritated because he doesn't think you're "trying"---it's a pain in the butt....but this means he sees something viable in you that you, yourself, might not see.

I sense that your depression is "cyclic" in nature----though I don't see classic "manic-depression" in you. I feel like you range from "neutral-detached" to pretty depressive. I wonder if a psychiatrist ever sensed that in you.

I'm sorry for being such a pain in the butt.....but I feel like you are a viable, intelligent person who's stuck somewhere. And I wish I had the ladder to get you out.

The cyclic nature is very accurate, but all it does for psychiatrists is convince them I must have had at least one manic or hypomanic episode in my life because it has to be bipolar disorder

It no longer centers on any sort of worth or lack thereof. I used to be looking for a reason to keep going, now I just want more than anything to be done, no matter how selfish that might be.

^^^for myself [YMMV] the only thing that kept me going was exercising to the point of exhaustion. that, and the mental hygiene trick of cutting off bad thoughts in-progress and quickly [habitually] replacing them with other thoughts. but it is plain that other people have it far worse than i do. DD, if you have not done these two things, they are worth a try at least for a while [the hard exercise bit] and the mental hygiene trick as well.

I guess really what I’m looking for at this point is something I can take as some sort of “permission” to just do it

Whether it matters or not, I won't give you my permission.

Years ago, I wondered about how much more I could take, and how much longer I could take it, but I stayed, and I'm glad. I hope you'll stay, too.

I'm kind of new to the haven, only been here twice and commented once I think. I'm commenting now because your post struck home with me.

I agree with others I won't give permission for ending your life. The only thing I can offer is virtual fluffy hugs from me and my furbaby. My furbabies are what saved my life when I was drowning in despair and darkness.

I'm fairly sure you have a dog because you posted on another thread about it. When you feel that way, snuggle your furbaby like your life depends on it and know that he/she loves you unconditionally. You are not worthless. And someone out there needs you in their life whether your aware of it or not.

I pray for you that tomorrow is a brighter day.

The depression is strong enough that it convinces me that while Merlin (my dog) does love me, he would be happy enough without me, too.

I want to talk to someone about this who might be able to help, but my therapist doesn’t seem to take it seriously when I try to talk about things like this and I’m afraid my psychiatrist will send me to the hospital if I tell her, and I am not doing that yet again, same old group therapy nearly identical to numerous other sessions and useless medication until I decide I’ve had enough and say I think I can go home, staying longer only results in more of the same pointless stuff.

It really does seem like I’ve tried everything

when i was younger, a deterrent for me [i have tried and failed also, various ways] was reading a bit of Shakespeare, where he [Hamlet] contemplated -
“To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action."

IOW the cliffnotes version of that is "what if you take the plunge, there's no coming back and what if something nasty awaits you instead of the nice quiet calm of nothingness oblivion?"
what has deterred me in later life was something even darker- in my last aspie group i belonged to, there was this unfortunate fella without the middle part of his face, which he blasted off with a 20 Ga. shotgun. he was lucky he didn't lose his vision as some stray shot went into his eyes as well. he will never get his face back. he will not get to return to an earlier healthier intact state of being. that put a chill in me forevermore, that if i goofed and ended up like that fellow or worse?

I'm sorry. That's difficult. Can you get a new therapist. If the one you have isn't helping than fire them, get a new one. I known I've been to one that made things much much worse. Sometimes finding the right person to talk to and aid you is that start or change you need.

Do you have someone that can help you find someone new? Or do you have a priest, preacher, rabbi etc. Sometimes they are better non judgmental listeners than docs. I'm not saying they are a replacement for a dr but they are usually skilled in really listening to others. You don't have to be religious or believe in g-d, I've gotten better perspective from my rabbi than many other people. Just a thought. Sometimes looking outside the normal box helps.

I hope you're not offended in my saying I'll keep you in my prayers. It's really the only help I can offer since I don't know you in real life.