Fears taking over

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If either of you are not 100 percent ready to get married, don't.

Well that is a little concerning.

Everyone makes little mistakes and blunders, if your boyfriend is expecting you to be perfect and never do that and then no wonder your anxiety is through the roof. You talk a lot about wanting to make him happy, well what about you are you happy? Not saying you have to break up but maybe you need to have a talk with him or something about how maybe he's a little too pushy sometimes and it may not be great for your anxiety when he wants you to overcome everything at once. It takes times and small steps to get past that kind of stuff...and if you have trauma from past bad relationships he could maybe be a little more understanding that it may take you some time to get to the level of trust he expects. And it can't be all one sided with you just trying to make him happy at your own expense because you're afraid of losing him, your health and wellbeing is important to.

I would not have wanted my first meeting in person with my boyfriend to have been a hike somewhere isolated, that is kind of risky to do with a person you haven't met in person yet. We kept things simple and just went to a bar in town where there were people and it was in the public.

But yeah idk just seems from some of what you posted, seems some of his expectations may be a little much, kind of seems they expect you to just not be anxious ever, which is well kind of hard if you have anxiety problems. I mean I think you said you're 4 months into the relationship, I certainly did not have total and complete trust in my boyfriend that early in...so that kind of seems a little unrealistic on his part. Full trust in ones partner takes time to develop(even without having past trauma and bad relationship experiences) it is a lot to expect that so early in when I get the impression you guys still haven't met in person...or have you?

You've got that right. We havent met in person yet. Approximately 11 years is what I asked from him to get to truly know him. He said he's getting old (he's 33). Perhaps its too long for most people but most people have no knowledge or care about dangers and building something long lasting and genuine, they're not aware of what a long term relationship needs and how much patience it takes.

Past days something else happened thats really disturbing, and he is the man I intend to marry and live with. It's concerning and stressful. At one point things got intense and he said don't make him force me to do something he wanted. That really scared me and is really f****d up to be told that by my boyfriend, even more so from someone I'm wanting to marry and be the only person i rely on in a different country. It was shocking to hear it so clearly stated and creepy. It does make me have worries and concerns about my future with him and the health of our relationship for now and our future. I don't want to be abused or controlled against my will. He also told me he was always right because I agreed to do his suggestions eventually, almost every time. He promised a lot of freedom but I feel it might as well not be what will happen. He said he'd take care of me but I sometimes feel like i have to have a life that satisfies him, go to parties of his family even if i have to drive at night or endanger myself, socialize. He usually tends to be open minded and accepting if I explain I'm not much of that and I need to be myself much more than acting and relax a lot. His mother also is clueless and i cant say anything to her so soon, he does have concerns for her not seeing my issues which in turn is concerning to me. It would suck anyway having to talk to her about them instead of him, and potentially be a lot of drama. I do wish i had people i could talk to but idk. At least show what im concerned about, she kept saying if i dont talk she cant know, i didnt have what to say. I felt stuck. He was happy, I just felt like I dodged a bullet that needs to eventually be dealt with. He tends to avoid being truthful about some things with his family. I think it's leaning into extremes, cant wrap these people in a bubble of unknowing. It's not like he didnt allow me to talk about things but he did express strong preference which he eventually took back and said i can say whatever i want.

He also recently said "some of us have work to do" and again another thing about me working about my abusive mom working and me doing "nothing" which honestly i get told a lot by my mom. While he used to say i wouldnt have to work, he speaks like this and is not friendly towards the fact of me not having a job, also thinks I'm not doing useful things if i have no job and not anything that he thinks would be productive hobbies. It felt horrible, I managed to explain to him that not all my hobbies will seem awesome to him, since hes more so into technical stuff and IT, machines, as opposed to me liking psychology, relaxation and not needing as much active work to be satisfied and enjoy myself while learning or reading stuff. However how long such a talk will make a difference is unknown.

He wants to apologize and claims the online makes people speak horribly about one another however it was on cam he told me he would end the call if i didnt stop interrupting him. I feel like the online typing thing is more of an excuse for both of our behaviors he tries to explain them through, or perceives it differently. It can be easier to focus on positive things on call, but it doesn't mean it's hard in text. He tells me both in text and on call if something isnt something he wants to talk about at the time, so no distinguishment there. We argued both ways. It's just about events and what happens. I don't want to live in fear and do whatever he wants and him to think he's always right and that he should decide for me because I'm helpless. When he's into such a state it's really unsettling. Then like through miracle everything is perfect.

He has times when hes not returning affection in text because he's "too tired." This happened to all my exes and from then on things just went worse and worse. Except he is willing to cam, but on some occasions he said he wants a break from cam, that was terrifying along with the affection cut off, but that apparently didnt last so long. I still feel like im walking shattering ground. Our relationship doesn't seem to be heading south. We are working on it and things are getting better and again worse and so on, in terms of affection in text. For now the cam is sustainable and he believes it's superior. I hope t wont change. My understanding was that hes always so affectionate and he cant imagine not being. This is in general true but there are faults in the code. Things are also rapidly changing back and forth. I feel safe with him because he cares about our relationship and how it goes but i dont want him to think the only way to be happy and spend a special time with me he needs is to get pushy. That can change a man as wonderful and calm as him.

Im a rigid person in my safety concerns, we tend to clash due to that, and it does make planning more challenging, he gets frustrated with all my needs and talking about my needs and in detail concerns make him feel low and short on patience, maybe feels like im making excuses or making things hard but it's not my intention. I have high anxiety but that wasnt a good way to deal with it, to find solve and find what he would say in response to all my concerns. That was very stressful for him and I'm pretty sure overwhelming too.

He has quite a bit to learn about relationships, he has his own ideas he doesn't want to let go of, and this is his first relationship. Some things like working out some issues with me are very easy for him and at the same time expressing negative feedback to him has been very difficult and potentially dangerous, for example when I tried telling him what isn't working for me and what reaction I have and how I feel as a result, regardlessly of his intention cause I know he wasnt doing it on purpose, he said it was blaming him and it's abuse and he said he shouldn't stay through abuse and that expecting him to is like expecting him to marry me no matter what, or being with me through abuse or despite how I act towards him. Which makes sense but its dangerous if hes gonna question leaving every time i try to talk about my feelings if it relates to anything he did.

what im thankful of is he is realizing that our relationship is unique and said he appreciates it, makes me feel things are more clear to him how relationships work sometimes and he appreciates despite and even the lesser parts. When he said that it touched my heart so much. He is thinking maturely and seeing beyond what usually people show.