I'm getting agoraphobia, I know it

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I used to sleep rough on the streets when I was younger and I can't remember a single time when I was just randomly attacked by a stranger.

That's not to say that I wasn't ever in danger but it was usually by someone who I had already made my acquaintance with.

Random attacks from strangers do occur but they are nowhere near as common as attacks by people who you have already crossed paths with.

^That is a statistical fact, too.

This may be a sexist comment in today's world, but I think it is a very different experience for a woman being out on her own, particularly in the dark, it's a natural instinct to be fearful that's evolved over many thousands of years and for a good reason.
Statistically, it may be the case that you're not much more likely to be attacked or harassed on the streets of London than in your own home in 2022, but I expect most women will feel vulnerable. Being on the spectrum will only amplify that sense of vulnerability.

I'm a man who lives in a relatively decent area, but things do happen here and I do go out as early as I can to do my shopping. I'd be weary walking out in the dark.

It's not wise to be randomly going out after midnight, and before about 5 AM.

It's not sexist. I know men get attacked or stabbed too but I think the number of women that get attacked or stabbed is higher than men.

Down the street bit where the other building is, it can be quite scary, especially in the dark. Teenage thugs hang down there to smoke weed and other drugs (I have smelt it before), and there's often fights too.

I've heard of a girl who was beaten up by a group of girls down that very street, and she didn't know the girls. The group just set upon her. This was late at night though, not 4 o'clock in the afternoon.
But I know that the schools in this city are known to have teens who have knives on them, and at 4pm teenagers hang about in groups after school.

I grew up in a crimeless town, so I'm not quite used to all these everyday crimes that happen in the cities. I wish people weren't so aggressive and just learnt to love.

It's not necessarily a bad thing to be anxious. If you've got a gang of teenagers and you make a detour to avoid them, then somebody else who isn't anxious comes along and gets mugged, your anxiety has done what it was evolved to do, avoided a bad situation.

The likelihood is that nothing will happen and maybe there is something to be said for confidently walking by, whereas appearing anxious is more likely to attract their attention. Nevertheless, if you avoid them altogether then there's zero chance an incident will occur, which is better than say a 0.0000001% of something bad happening.

If it reaches the point where the anxiety is beginning to make it close to impossible for you to go about your day to day life however, then its' telling you that you need to do something about it. Whether that's simply avoiding the news or taking a more drastic measure like moving to a better area or changing job/hours is the solution, I don't know. Seeking help these days usually seems to conclude with medication or an increased dose if you're already on pills. I just think it's very natural to feel anxious in an unnatural situation, which cities are. I really don't think we were designed to live like this, yet we're made to feel like we are going crazy for not adapting to the madness.

I've seen this short cartoon pop up a lot lately which says an awful lot about modern life......
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9dZQelULDk

I think I just feel misunderstood by society. Agoraphobia is very misunderstood, social anxiety is common but even that's misunderstood. People just think you're being lazy or overreacting or making excuses not to do things.

I was thinking of changing jobs...but I'm not sure if that would be the right thing or not. I've always wanted the job I'm in, I've been there 5 years, and I do enjoy what I do, just not this new task I have to do that involves going to a different building. I want to stay safe in my usual workplace, getting on with a task that doesn't involve being out in public where everyone can see me.

And because I'm in my work gear, I feel people (especially women) judge me because I'm dressed like a guy doing a job what a guy would do. But you can see that I'm on duty, and I can't impress strangers all the time. I'm sorry that I'm not some glamorous lady going shopping, as much as I would love to be, I do have bills to pay and I have to earn a living. It's called working, and a woman working shouldn't be frowned upon in today's society. It's not the Victorian days any more.

Who's been frowning upon you for having a manual job?

Just people in the street when I'm going to the other building or waiting for my ride to take me back to the depot, they give me funny looks as though what I'm doing is weird or wrong. It makes me feel self-conscious.

Forget those idiots—I bet at least some of them are unemployed.

Nothing against the unemployed. Only those unemployed who disrespect people wanting to make an honest living.

I don't find it easy to look at it that way though. I just feel that people don't like it because I'm a girl dressed as a guy and I have dirt on my clothes and arms and legs (it's inevitable in the job that I do).

Many people, in my experience, don't mind that at all.

If I wasn't married, I'd probably try to date the custodial lady on my job; she's pretty cute

Your boyfriend doesn't mind-----isn't that the most important thing?

I'm not worried about men not being attracted to me, I'm worried about women judging me. It seems to be women that look at me funny more than men, because I'm doing a guy's job.

How do you know they're looking at you because of what job you do?

Seriously Joe. I think you should (for your own mental health) think about growing a thicker skin. People look at people for all manner of reasons. It's not always about being negative and even if it is, so what. Are you gonna let that ruin your life for ever more.

I wouldn't have said cleaning buses fir a living is a guys job in particular and even if it is then hold your head up high and be proud of what you do.

They don't know I clean coaches, they just see me as a litter picker or something when I go to the other building, and I'm usually quite dirty and just because I'm a woman I'm supposed to be clean and glamorous.

I'm so glad I'm not living in America where guns are legalised, because then I'll never go out or send my kids to school if I had kids.

"Grow a thicker skin" means "social anxiety and PTSD doesn't exist or is easily cured". I am going to therapy about this, so hopefully that will help. It's not just something I can get over.

I remember one time I was on the escalator in primark (years ago). There was two girls in front of me. One turned around and saw me. She immediately turned to fer friend, whispered something and they both turned back around, looked me up and down and started laughing. There was absolutely nothing wrong with what I looked like. I went home and worried about it for quite a long time until I remembered that actually I've been through too much in my life to allow these two people to own me in this way.

I also have ptsd, it's actually really serious so I know how things can get in your head.