ANXIETY

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Anxiety number 2

tonight, i am
haunted by demons
i did not know.
years of power
strength, control
big boys don't cry
can't cry.
superman don't cry

tonight of all nights
full moon
bad luck
anxiety
people persecuting me

this is past
can't touch the pain
demons there
storm and rain

close my eyes
wish
wish
i wish
i wish
still can't cry

I love this one. Consider it witnessed.

how about letting yourself not be a big boy for a while - when you're somewhere safe?

sometimes, allowing yourself to be a jelly helps.

staying late at work with all hell breaking loose can be distracting.
but it is not very good for the sensory issues.
at least it is distracting.
therapy wasn't helpful. it just made me mad.
mad doesn't help anxious.
no offense intended, but what did this women know about men in pain?
she was not helpful.
i won't get home until after 8 est.

staying even later at work. so much for the evening. i don't want to be autistic. anymore. i want all this to be because of things i can fix. i want to fix this. if i fix this maybe i could be less anxious.
at least when i get home i will be able to sleep because i will be tired. i have been working since 12:30 pm and i have not had a break. this is how crisis work goes. and in spite of everything i work and in spite of that they say that i am unfit to do this work. i'd like to see them try to work under these circumstances. they are so used to threatening and abusing others. what if they were subjected to the same abuse they are perpetrating on me? would they be able to get up and go to work for 40 hours a week? i bet not.
whatever doesn't kill me, makes me stronger.

i know they are having this evaluation to find a reason to let me go. and i am fearful about how to proceed. i received a bill from the new lawyer and have not been able to open it. and to make matters worse, they treated me so poorly at the part time job that i did not have time to put in my time sheet so two full weeks of pay will have to wait. 3 weeks before i get the money and still have more car expenses (the tires are bald and it is winter), kitten expenses and debts to pay.

edit: and i was very angry yesterday.

Hi there Neuroman

That's a really sh***y way to feel.

I can't do anything more helpful than just let you know I understand what it's like to have way more stress than you can cope with, it's horrible, and almost impossible to see any wya out of.

Where you live do you have any kind of Citizens Advice Bureaux type thing (See here for what that is http://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/winnn6 ... boutus.htm ). You might be able to find someone that will help with those lawyer's letters etc.

Please take care of yourself, and do whatever you need to do to get through this.

Robin

three days to go. i have put a good face on.

trouble getting out of bed. i will put a good face on even if it chokes me to do it. i am king of facades.

Hi there Neuroman

Is there anything you can do today that would give you a sense of satisfaction? What do you enjoy?

It might sound silly, but even if you lie in bed and do something seemingly useless (for example arrange stamps by size or number of perforations or organizing buttons by material they're made of) if it satisfies you and calms you down, it has a purpose and is a good thing.

Take care of yourself

Robin

out of bed and ate a little
not sure if this is anxiety or depression
work tonight will help
no life outside of work so work more is good

thank you for suggestions

muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusic!

and find yourself a treat - good book, nice chocolate, choose a rose, oong bath, long walk - whatever you enjoy. hard physical work might be another one - usually works for me (us cappies, eh?).

while you're deciding, have a cyber hug/pat/whatever you can tolerate.

23 hours left to go.
stupid to be anxious because job depends on i do not know what they are trying to do because certainly they are not concerned for my welfare and i wonder how they will try to use this against me since they already have lied on paper about what is the issue.

times like these feel like i need someone to support me. do not understand why this helps. and do not understand if it helps why it is so hard to pursue and hard to attain and hard to maintain.

3:30 pm
2.5 hours to go.
no distractions to keep blood pressure down.
blood pressure is up.
always up for strange places and talking to strangers.
always have managed on my own.
will manage this,
but feels very very bad.

hope i don't lose my words.
hope i don't lose my confidence.
hope i don't lose it.

this is anxiety.
interesting.
fascinating.
uncomfortable.
emotion = physical sensation.
will re-evaluate other physical sensations

nothing to do
but walk through this
not without emotion
too late for that.
who said aspergers are flat
we are as flat as the world is round

i am scared.

gaultiergaultiergaultier = distraction!

/me racks brains to think of other ways to distract neuroman...

oh.

nah - can't do that - i'll get a warning...

( )

what time is it?
(reason for edit)


accordingly, you will have only two hours to go. That makes the entire wait thus far, over 98% of the entire work.

Its all down hill now.

Good luck superman. I have more faith in you than any person alive.



i hope that this is not inappropriate, but since you and i are both men, maybe you will understand better than those who are not.
Maybe, you just need some sex.
i know that when i am ultra anxious moody crazy, nothing i do for myself is enough.
but some help from another, is just the cure.
Seriously, in my travels of life i have found this to be man thing. Some of the ladies, but almost universal for men.
Sex is the greatest stress reliver for men. forget about pharmaceuticals, woo a lady.