Blurting out in class - again

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altho i know his mother well, since "the autistic" in this case is a 39 yr old man with his own family, and who needs to control his own reactions to his children for their sake, i long ago stopped thinking of him as anyone's child.

I don't delineate species between adults and children, I should have been more specific and stated "I do have problems with "the autistic" used as an identifier for anyone." Autistic people are people who have autism, they aren't "the autistics." To me this language is similar to reducing a darker skinned person to "the black" or a female family member to "the woman" or "the girl."

We all raise our children and manage our families differently. What works for one, doesn't necessarily work for another. I understand and respect that. I don't raise my son that I am the parent, you are the child- do as I say. I am the parent. He is the child. And we have our roles. But I figure if I can't come up with another way to support my position, maybe I need to re-evaluate that position.

I correct my son if he isn't respectful. He wouldn't like it if I snorted or sighed at him, and I don't like it when he does it to me, and I point that out. I also don't blow a gasket if my son corrects me. I should be setting a good example. If I swear and it offends him, he should have the right to tell me so. Plus, if he corrects me, then goes on to do that exact "crime", I can say "Hey... Yesterday you lectured me... so I KNOW you know this rule."

He's moving into that wanting to swear stage.. Yes, I have set a bad example.. But, I evaluate the situation. Did he mean to? If he stubbed his toe and yelled "s**t!" Well, he's using it in the context he heard it.. and, I consider that to be an instinctive reaction. I remind him that it's rude to swear and "highly inappropriate" for kids to do so. And add, I expect you to try to not say that word. I use the term "highly inappropriate" because it means something to him. THAT is his phrase. I don't say, "You can't do that, it isn't right." Because obviously he CAN as he just did, and "right" is interpretive. With my son, carefully selected words and phrases are very important. Some words don't mean anything to him... many can be interpreted in too many different ways.

He, however, is trying manipulate the rules... he'll say, "MOM, HE WAS BEING..... you know the guy who went up the beanstalk, and the other word for butt. You know, put them together. Can I say it? THAT'S WHAT HE WAS BEING." lol.. I can't help but laugh. But I remind him that no... he can't say it, besides... that explanation was clear enough.

I'm not saying my way is the right way. I'm just saying that it works for us. I believe that the best way to shape my son into the respectful adult I hope he becomes, is to treat him with respect. I TRY not to squash him when he tries to express himself, but teach him to responsibly and respectfully express himself. I try to give him options, and hope he makes good choices, but when he doesn't .. I talk it out with him and hope that the lesson sticks. It doesn't always. Sometimes it backfires. But we just try again.

That's exactly how I parent, Burnt. If I need to do something "to" him that he doesn't particularly want (ie. I have to "overrule"), I explain why I have to do that. Things like getting a splinter and having to have it removed. I discuss what can happen if we don't remove it, show pictures from the internet, etc., so he can understand why I am overruling him and "being the adult." He has learned how to respect my decisions and it helps when we have situations where there is no time to explain, I can say "just trust me on this" and explain after the fact without him getting upset or angry that I'm not listening.

On the other hand, often I have to sit back and re-evaluate why I am making decisions. He knows he's valued enough to be able to speak his mind to me, in a respectful way. If I find something I have done or said to be wrong, I readily admit it and apologise. "We all make mistakes" is a big thing in our house. I make mistakes sometimes, too. Nobody's perfect and growing into an "adult" hasn't made me infallible by any stretch of the imagination. I wish it had!! "They" always made me believe it would!!

LOL!! !

I often drag my son to the computer and show him "Yuck Mouth" pics... "THIS is what will happen if you don't brush your teeth properly!" You think girls want to kiss THAT mouth?? (He very much likes to please the ladies!)

Same here exactly. We've also viewed jaundiced people with Hepatitis (wash your hands after using the loo), gangrene (clean your wounds even if it hurts a bit), and children with impetigo (please use a tissue when you need to wipe your nose). I find these "visual aids" add weight to my words and show I'm not just crapping on or being nagging. We started watching "How Clean is Your House" (out of the UK) and suddenly he became much more keen on helping with daily tasks around the house, because "if you don't clean your house a bit and keep it tidy every day, eventually it will look like THAT."

hahahaha I do that with Hoarders... "Look at that babe, they must've snuck a tv crew into your bedroom.."

lol now see, thats what i meant by being accused of things no matter what i do. now i am being accused of deragatory speech because i chose to use an identifier for someone, when that identifier is necessary to understand the context and is the main issue. when you are talking about two people who are having a conflict because one has autism and one is a child, then yes, "the autistic" is a valid identifier, just as "the child" is.

what works for my family, works for my family. whether someone else agrees with it or not doesnt matter. my family is comprised of an aspie child, autie child, NT child with numerous OCD and ADHD traits, an autie adult, and an NT adult with numerous OCD and ASD traits. we are quite a mix, and i dont expect many families could even come close to understanding what our family dynamics are like, especially if their experience is with single children or only NT children.

its also impossible to grasp true situations from descriptions on a message board, so always read everything with that in mind. we are taking hard action for the issues with whining and grunting, there are some days when every single word out of his mouth is a whine. its bad enough that it drives us crazy, but its also starting to be modeled by his younger autie brother. that is the main reason it has to stop immediately.

I'm not accusing you of derogatory speech. I think it's derogatory to call someone with autism "the autistic." It's also ok if you disagree with me on that, perfectly fine in fact. I still feel the need to express that I believe it is derogatory. "The child" is a lot broader than "the autistic." Just as I wouldn't want anyone to call me "the woman" unless they are describing me in broader terms such as "the woman who was accusing me of using derogatory terminology on Wrong Planet." I sure hope nobody ever calls me "the autistic" other than in a broader descriptive such as "the autistic woman who was accusing me of..." Just my opinion.



I'm sure nobody can imagine what your family dynamics are like outside of your family. Especially those of us who have it "easy" with single children. Nothing is "easier" than explaining to a child why he doesn't have a large family, why everyone else has brothers and sisters and he is all alone. That's a cake walk in comparison to having a family with three children and a variety of issues.

I think we can't make comparisons regarding difficulty without actually being present in one another's daily lives. That's obviously not going to happen here. Of course your family is your family and you know what works. If you discuss how you work with your family on a message board and others don't agree with your tone or approach, welcome to the internet. You're the one living with your family. I don't have to agree with your parenting style or even understand your parenting style. You wouldn't be the first parent I didn't agree with and that's ok. You'd likely look at my parenting style as too permissive or ridiculous and you wouldn't be the first on that note either.

I do know another family with dynamics similar to yours and there are issues where the younger child models the behavior of the child on the spectrum. I can imagine this is very difficult to deal with and can be profoundly stressful on a family. I would struggle to manage that on a daily basis and would likely struggle with worry over whether or not the younger child was ASD or just mirroring behaviours. It would be very difficult to manage the multitude of ramifications that would have in life as a parent, especially when you have also recognised adult issues.

I'm not attacking you over your parenting style or your use of words. I simply don't like "the autistic" and I never will. "My ASD child" has fewer letters and actually speaks to what our children are, which is children, not "the autistics." I believe language and the way we use language says a lot about how we feel about other people. That's just me. Cheers.

I would imagine that it is, in general, easier to have one child than it is three. I suppose it could be said that it's easier to be a single parent than to have an "autie" spouse. I think that statement might piss a few people off though, possibly even you. And I guarantee, assumptions like that, whether intended to, hurt people.

When my son was having a meltdown at Scouts one day, a "friend" looked at me and said, "I don't know how you do it. I couldn't. You're amazing for doing what you do." Even at just face value, that was a slap in the face. It told me that in the 3 years she had known my son, she couldn't define him in anyway other than his meltdowns. The fact that she has 6 kids living at home, of which one is autistic, one labeled "emotionally disturbed", and one with ODD.. it was a double-whammy slap in the face. Perhaps she didn't mean it the way it came out. Maybe she was trying in some way to be supportive. I don't know. She's never apologized for saying it, but then I don't see her much as that was the last night we ever went to Scouts.

I don't want to define your family by their 'difficulties', but I understand there are dynamics I've never had to deal with. I was not trying to criticize your parenting, but offer another way to go about things and explaining why I do it the way I do. If I gave my son an "I'm the parent, you're the child" explanation, it wouldn't work. It would lead to an argument and complete meltdown.

You said, "What works for my family, works for my family....." and I understand that.. but I do want to point out that what works well for you, might not work well for your family. BUT, you're right.... it is impossible to grasp the true situation (of a family) on a message board.

About your initial statement on this thread.....


I 100% agree with you. What I was saying about "if it's not bugging him, or getting him in trouble, don't worry about it".. was in the context of they have been working at this issue and trying different tactics.... In the whole scheme of things, is this where you need to place so much energy. Gentle reminders and move onto something more important. I'm not saying, "Give it up. He is ASD and your efforts are a lost cause.." I'm saying you've tried, it's not helping... move on. I had to realize that I couldn't immediately influence the choices my son makes at school. I can try to give him tools. I can talk til I'm blue in the face.... I can't make him make good choices..
I pick my battles.