Moderator Abuse

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Here is what waterfalls wanted to respond so I'll post what she posted to me.

Yes, we can all reinvent ourselves. And I am glad you gave me a chance to say what I feel about this, thank you for that, and what I am writing is my perspective. I don't ask that anyone agree with me, just for the freedom to have my point of view.

My point was, Tag was annoying to some and maybe a bit arrogant, it does not matter: I still, when I can, want not to be part of being unkind to someone who misunderstood people and got pushy. To me she was not better or worse than any other member. I know I may be wrong on that. This isn't about Tag to me, though, it's about, what do I want for myself and my AS daughter when we do something "wrong".

I can't ask the world to forgive my social mistakes and not gang up on me, I can't hope for the same for my daughter, if I don't show tolerance. I would think every one of us on the spectrum does act in ways that annoy others and I at least want more tolerance when that happens.

Again, I don't expect to persuade anyone toward my point of view. I do hope that some people here, even if you don't announce it on an open forum, can understand why I need to disagree on this.

I have loved being at Wrong Planet, people have helped me by telling me when I did not make sense and by interpreting what I wrote that I thought made sense but didn't really, people have understood when I have been upset and no one in the neurotypical world understood or took seriously what bothered me, and when I have asked for support or ideas because I'm overwhelmed, that's exactly what people have generously given. Including you, Rocket, and including moderators, too. I've been very grateful to a lot of people here, nothing can change that.

And it's also true that I don't understand why Tag's behavior engendered such a negative response. But although I'm tempted to ask, and imagine someone could explain it, maybe right now I'm better off remaining naive. I can't know for sure what was best in the big picture, just, I did not agree with what happened to Tag, not from what I saw.

I don't know about others, but when I am perceived to have done something wrong, and my words and/or actions were interpreted incorrectly, I apologize.

As in, "After some reflection, I realize that I responded to a particular situation in an inappropriate manner. It was not my intention. I will try to learn from this. I apologize".

From my perspective, there is nothing wrong with apologizing. Also, it's easy to do (assuming you mean it). And it allows you to reflect on how you interface with others (which, for better or worse, is required in this world) and helps you learn/grow to be a better human being.

I put wrong in quotes because that's how I feel. You sound like you feel the punishment fit the crime here. And you're certainly right, there's nothing wrong with apologizing when you've offended someone....assuming they tell you or you can figure out how.

I'm not sure, but I think I'm much older than you. I fried my brain on trying to do whatever anyone asked of me to look and be "right" and it's been too much. So now, I feel that part of being able to get through the rest of my life is I will need (and people here have told me this a lot) to have thicker skin about when someone IRL says I'm no good because_____. That when I don't make eye contact perfectly or understand something more literally than someone intends or whatever minor, or major, social error.....that buying into the idea it's unacceptable is a mistake. I just can't live that way.....So for right now, I need to stay away from judging anyone's social mistakes because other people judging mine have marginalized me and worse. I'm not saying I don't try, or that other people shouldn't try.....just that at a certain point I've done all the trying I can and its either good enough or it's not, but trying harder isn't always a good answer. You try as much as you reasonably can.....and then I guess you stop. If you have no trouble stopping then of course you'd want to try harder. I just don't think I can.

I'm glad you read what I wrote, I'm glad you responded. And I'm almost glad to disagree because I respect what you're saying, I hope you respect what I am saying, we disagree....and it is Wrong Planet done right, thoughtful, provocative at times, but hopefully civilized, and maybe even compassionate.

I am 52.


I get that. My life was ruled by “shoulds” and “oughts”. It still is. But not as much as when I was younger.


I am certain we disagree about certain things. But, in this thread, I am not 100% certain what the disagreement is. Sometimes, I have a hard time grasping this type of stuff. I am better when exchanging information with others.

In any event, the only reason I “participated” in this thread is I thought the OP had treated btbnnyr, one of my favorite WP contributors, unfairly. That was my perception. And, I responded to offer support to btbnnyr. If there was a “like” button, I would have “liked” btbnnyr’s responses, rather than respond myself.

I think that "humiliated" "ostracised" and "abuse" are strong terms, and I think they aren't terms that apply here.
Tagnacious has not been ostracised. They (sorry, Tagnacious, I don't know whether you're male or female) are still welcome in the WP community. Noone has made any effort to shut them out. All that's happened is that they've been asked not to file reports simply because they disagree with what someone said.

"Embarrassed" would be a more appropriate word than "humiliated", and really, considering that reports are not able to be seen by non-moderators and that my "stop making frivolous reports" post could have been directed at anyone, Tagnacious could have avoided the whole fuss by, well, not kicking up a fuss.

And calling this "abuse" is insulting to anyone who has actually been abused. Tagnacious used the report button to be vindictive toward someone, and I got grumpy. That is incredibly far from being abusive.

If it seemed like I was agreeing with the idea moderators were abusive, I'm sorry. I felt like I couldn't bear to say nothing and was afraid of people throwing more grumpiness at the OP when sometimes....people are fragile. Maybe I overreacted, it's just too difficult to sort out. But I trusted you, because, well.....why shouldn't I? And if each of us is an individual here.....I love this place.

I was replying to the thread in general; I wasn't specifically targeting you.

Feel free to say whatever you like. I may not agree, but I will listen, and I won't shut down discussion just because I disagree with what's said.

Thank you Who_Am_I. Thank you Booyakasha. You both listened and let me speak, even not agreeing. And thank you Rocket for taking on the issues to discuss without judging me. Even if you think differently, especially when you think differently.

People IRL don't often seem to take the time to try to understand what I have to say. I know I'm slow, and I know sometimes, I confuse people. Sometimes, everything's too much and I can't listen without being heard. So, I'm grateful to all of you.

And grateful this Mother's Day that my daughter's getting better from ear infection.

I wish all moms reading this a Happy Mother's Day! You have lifted some of the burden of being alone trying to be heard, unable to make myself understood, and written off as not worth the trouble while trying to be strong, not only for me and because the world demands it, but for my beautiful children who I want to be strong for so they can feel strong, and to offer what protection I can to them. You helped me through......by letting me be heard.

You're very welcome and I wish all the best to your daughter

Mine also has constant respiratory infections so I know what it's like.

Happy Mother's Day to you too! You absolutely have the right to be heard, especially here on WP.

On the subject of wanting WP to be a safe space: I don't think there's anyone here who wants it to be an unsafe space. But, and this will sound blunt, if you want your own personal safe space, get a blog and turn the comments off.

This is a community, and as moderators, it is our job to make WP safe for everyone in the community, and sometimes that means balancing out conflicting needs. Personally, I'd rather come down on the side of letting people say things that others disagree with.

I didn't run away. I tended to my life offline. I participated in communities that are smaller and more personal than this and are moderated by people who don't trash-talk others. (Can you imagine walking up to a 40 year old woman and accusing her of throwing a tantrum to her face? Or some of the other things she said? How many of you who are agreeing with her would say any of this to my face?)

I came back today, hoping that there had been some change. Maybe an apology? I guess not. Just more accusations.

For the record, I didn't press report to be vindictive (lol) or to get back at someone I disagreed with. On the facts in the original thread, I actually agreed with the person I reported. I pressed the report button because I perceived a weaker member was getting ganged-up on. I picked up on signs that this person was not as academically able as the other and I tried to stop him from being on the receiving end of being bullied.

It did occur to me that I might have been reading the situation wrong. If I was wrong about the person I was trying to defend, I'm sincerely sorry. But I will always stand up for those who cannot speak as well for themselves. I didn't say this earlier because I didn't want people to figure out who I was seeing as weaker. I hope that by now, its harder to tell.

I don't know who wrote that Who-Am-I is NICE?!? But seriously -look at how this person is writing about me. The proof of one's character is in one's actions. And these actions are those of a bully. Thank the gods I've had a chance to step back and emotionally detach from this situation. Now I don't give two hoots about what this woman or the chorus of supporters here thinks of me. If I did, I'd be really upset right now.

Yes, this is very much abuse of the moderator role. Moderators are meant to keep themselves out of things so that they can be neutral when problems happen. This isn't happening on these boards. It sucks, to take that role and not be able to be as free to express yourself. But then you go and join another board as a participant instead of a moderator so that you can speak your mind.

Just don't go trying to back-street-moderate by trying to protect other users. That's my new rule from this experience. That and stay the hell away from trying to have a real conversation on wrongplanet.org. Definitely not a safe place.

By all means, go ahead a lock the thread. I won't be upset this conversation is over.

(Am I back-seat-moderating again? I can't even tell. This new rule is going to take some time to get the kinks out.)

You are absolutely free to report posts that break the rules, including where you think a user is being bullied. It's probably best you avoid saying that you've reported someone in the thread though.

As another "Tag"-on, I'll add:

I said earlier that my clicking the report button had nothing to do with vindictiveness and I stand by that. This thread, on the other hand, was defiantly motivated by anger, and I can see how it could be perceived as vindictive. I think its likely that I do owe an apology for this thread. There was a part of me that was looking to humiliate Who-I-Am. That's kinda messed up. I wish I had found a better way of dealing with things. I'm not normally a person who seeks to humiliate others and I certainly don't want to start being like that.

By starting a whole new thread instead of keeping this problem to the old thread, or finding a way to deal with things behind the scenes, I made things much more public for her and that wasn't kind. I didn't take into account how much more invested she is in this community than I. That was really cruel and wrong. And looking at it from this perspective, I can understand more why she has been lashing out at me.

So, I do apologize for starting this thread as a way of dealing with this situation. I hope that you'all will be able to forgive me in time and I promise to figure out a better way of dealing with any similar situations that happen in the future.

Who-I-Am, to repeat, I do apologize specifically to you for starting this thread. I can't erase it, but if I could go back in time and do so, I would. I understand that this apology is likely too little, too late, but I wanted to make it anyhow.

Seriously. If I remember correctly, I thought I was being light-hearted and trying to stop things from overflowing before they got completely nasty. Mission not accomplished.