parent's loneliness and isolation

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On the flipside you can't expect NT parents of NT kids to be totally able to relate to what parents of ASD kids go through. It's hard enough for them to overcome their own social stigmas about disability (lets not kid ourselves). Most won't want to voluntarily deal with families going through this.

I made an attempt to mix with a parent's group with ASD kids organised through a university. It was a dismal failure. The other parents made no attempt to socialise or mix, they were entirely focussed on their own kids. One thing I did notice we all had in common was an oversensitive urge to jump every time our children made a noise or went out of view.

From my perspective it's not about us parents, I can survive without social contact but we need to think about what our kids want....

You can't blame them, though. I've saved DS's life more times than I can remember - grabbing him as he tried to walk in front of a moving car in a parking lot, walking in on him about to jump off something, etc. When he was three I left the room for a minute to put some clothes in the washer. I came back and he was gone. He had opened the living room window, thrown his shoes out, climbed out after them, and was sitting down putting them on. Mind you, he had never so much as attempted to open a window in my presence before that. And then there was the time I had to jump into a hotel pool fully clothed and fish him out....

yeah, i am always jumpy and checking where DS is. Other parents look at me strangely at times, saying things like "he is fine, how much trouble can he get into?" These are not parents of ASD kids obviously! He has improved as he got older, but is still unpredictable and i can never be sure he is safe unless i can see him--or unless he is playing video games and totally engrossed. Even then i can't be sure he won't throw the controls in anger if he gets frustrated with the game.

I refuse to volunteer at my kids' school for this reason. The false pleasantness. It's not just that I can't do it (I can, but it is very difficult and costly). It's not just that it bugs me.

It's that I honestly believe that it creates an unhealthy environment that harms pretty much ALL the kids' mental health and social development (it's particularly bad for ASD kids, but it's not GOOD for anyone other than those who are exceptionally skilled at manipulation, ie mean-girls-in-training and outright psychopaths). I can't make them stop doing it and can't make a case for homeschooling my kids because of it, but I don't have to pretend I don't see it, I don't have to pretend that I like it, and I sure as hell don't have to be complicit in perpetuating it (at least, not beyond paying my property taxes).

I agree completely--the false pleasantness has to be detrimental. Life is not always pleasant--you can't put smiley faces on everything and make life perfect. Like Lisa Simpson and her ignor-it-al antidepressants.

I have been very grateful to find a minimum of this at my youngest DS's elementary school. The school is very aspie friendly and has a great autism program. The teachers, social worker who works with the ASD kiddos...and even PTO mommies are very down to earth with a minimum of this false pleasantness. I appreciate it, whatever the reason for it.

My older kids have more of it at their schools--such as the assembly in older DS's high school titled "be awesome!!"--i think i threw up in my mouth a little bit while i typed that--but the older kids can see through the BS and come home saying, "are they for real? Mom, this is so stupid." Makes me proud.

First I would ask the question- why do you feel the need to be social? Second I would recommend that you make sure you are taking care of yourself- whatever that may mean to you. There have been times that I have felt incredibly alone and there have been times when I felt like I needed a friend but stayed to take care of my child. Then sometimes in the end I felt resentment at times towards that situation because I did not take care of myself. Now I don't throw care to the wind and forget my child but I do take certain steps to make sure that I am taken care of as well. My kiddo deserves a mom, and I feel like I am able to be the mom I picture after I have take care of him. Things I do are: walking with a friend, exercising, reading, writing, meditating, get a massage... you get the idea. Good luck. PS- Not a fan of the mommy brigade either.

If you want to be more social, do it for you, not your son.

Many autistic people don't have the same desire to be sociable, and if your son falls into this camp, then modelling "being social" won't change that. And being social isn't automatically good for you like people like to say it is - what's good for you is having your social needs match your social opportunities.

I struggle a lot with knowing whether I want friends or not.
I like my down time or alone time. Both my wife and I are stretched to the limit right now. My wife is very social and she has some good outlets - church, her job, ladies she exercises with.
I don't really have a lot of outlets, just people I share a hobby with and meet once a week and friends at work, but I am not really close to any of them.
I go thru spells were I see people at work laughing and talking and I notice that no one comes by my desk to talk, but then when they do I find myself thinking "ok, when is this ever going to end."
I think you have to find a medium for you to fill your social needs that you feel comfortable with. My hobby is tabletop RPG called Dungeons and Dragons. It is silly and goofy, grown men acting like boys and rolling dice and pretending to slay monsters. But we are all pretty socially awkward and I feel like a social superstar there.
But just make sure you give yourself a break and like yourself where you are. I know that is hard, but it is hard to see that other people like you if you dont like yourself and you cant make friends or friendly acquaintances if you dont have that secure base of liking yourself, if only in the immediate social context.
Good luck and may you find the perfect balanced social life you need and deserve.
it will not only be a blessing to yourself, but to everyone else who cant benefit from the treasure that is you if they dont occasionally interact with you in a non threatening way and in non draining doses.