need help for support for when he moves out and turns 18

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It is so hard with these kids.

Today we got a new computer, my inlaws bought it for us. We really needed one, the last one we had could barely function for 10 minutes before shutting down (I am on my MILS laptop right now). Anyway, we are in t he store, buying a great computer, (dream computer for DH and I) My son wonders over, sees we are buying a computer, and gets REALLY excited! We did not know walking in that we would be walking out with one!

Part of the reason we are getting it, is because my son NEEDS it so bad! This computer is going to be his life line, only he can't comprehend that. He finds out it has Vista on it, and freaks out! You see, he knows a kid who bought a new computer and vista, and he saw a youtube video, and it is garbage! But most concerning... his old games won't work on it!

I try to calmly reasure him that he is not going to be playing anygames or doing ANYTHING on our current computer, it is not working anymore. I try to calmly explain that this is for him that we are getting the new computer, for his school. I try to calmly explain that we can overtime, buy new games. He won't budge, this is the worst day of his life!

I calmly try to explain that his grandparents, who are standing RIGHT OVER THERE are doing this for him, and they don't appreciate him acting this way, it looks really ungrateful. This is a concept he can't understand. You see, he is justifed in freaking out because Vista is Crap! I try to explain that this computer was made to opperate on Vista, and there is no way to buy an XP machine. It has no affect on him. I try to explain just to trust me, it will be OK. He can't. So, his grandparents, are buying him a new computer, and he is hystarical!

Then, we go out for dinner. At the table, he starts fighting with his 4 year old sister. Maybe she started it, but I told him not to buy into it, and "drop it". He cannot. I tell him, that he is older, just to ignore her. He can't. I explain to him that I am going to have a nervous breakdown if he does not cut it out. He seems to not have a problem with that. I tell him he is being a brat, we just bought him a new computer, his grandparents are buying him a nice supper, and he needs to stop, because he is ruining everyones good time. He becomes irate!

Sigh. Somedays it seems like he suffers from spoiled brat syndrome, not AS. However my DH calmed me down, and the grandparents took both him and his sister for the two hour drive home in their car, so I got some down time from both of their crap!

(BTW, while i was telling my son to stop acting out, my DH was working with dear daughter, it was not like we where ignoring her end of things...

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVbf9tOGwno[/youtube]

#2 reason why my son becomes distressed at the word: "Vista"

Hockeymom, you sound like a really good mom. Healing wishes to you and your family. I should also mention that I was raised by a single father, who although flawed, really tried hard to take care of me during the time he was able. Even at 37, I can only imagine what a difference it would make in my life to have a loving mom to be an advocate for me.

I have 2 teenage sons with AS. One is very high functioning and the other also has a non-verbal learning disablilty ( not NVLD). I have decided to turn my basement into an apartment for the boys.
I also have an NT teenage son and he says he will also stay until he finishes college. I know that I will be able to give them space and keep an eye on their needs. All of my boys have plans for after graduation but I want to be prepared in the event that things don't go quite as smoothly as they think. My husband is also an Aspie so he knows what it is like to try to cope in a world where people don't understand you. He is finally finding his place in this world (he is 40) but it has taken a lot of guidance and support from me for him to get there. His parents made him leave home as soon as he finished high school and it nearly did him in. He drifted for 15 years until I met him and gave him the support he needed. I can't imagine letting that happen to my children.

"Tough Love" is a neurotypical intervention. It sounds like your husband doesn't get AS or has read any of the number of books on AS children and development. Also sounds like husband needs a tough love reality adjustment. Pardon my bluntness.

AS kids DO NOT learn from mistakes. See Attwood's book!

And you don't understand his reaction? Why not talk about the correct way to behave in restaurants rather than personalize it? You are making him responsible for your feelings. I would react the same way as your son. You call him a name, you try and make him feel guilty. I would get furious with my mother when she tried to make me feel guilty. Aspies don't react well to that kind of NT based parenting. Perhaps you are not able to take his perspective either and perhaps you learned a very NT parenting style, but aspies don't operate well with those type of feeling based social interactions.

I introduced the concept of restaurant behavior early on with my aspies and when they would fight as young kids at 8 and 6, all I would have to say is "We all have to use restaurant behavior," and it would stop. We HATE all those blaming words. It is a simple matter of stoping one behavior and replacing it with another.

Sometimes, I feel very discouraged reading this particular forum.

seriousgirl, blessedmom, and aspiebegood, thank you for your kind words. I have worked hard to get my son as far as he has come. I have a meeting with a person for housing and support this week. I think that my husband has calmed down and he is willing to look for a ranch house and make the basement a place for my son to live till he can go live somewhere else. My son just really needs to work on respecting dad, which he never has and to listen to him. but dad has never wanted respect, until dad blows up. The two don't talk much at all also. My husband, I have always thought he is an aspie himself. He has to have his morning routine just so and if we talk or bother him he blows and gets off track.It takes a week for him to learn to turn his shoes upside down on the bed so the birty side is not on the bed. He did not like it when I mention it. even at night and on daily things he it has to be just so. He also rocks from side to side but doesn't see it and will rub his hands together and twitch his jaw. But if I say he has Asperger tendences he just blows up. I guess that it hits home too hard with his son. So my house is really with 2 aspies. Thats hard at times and full of laughter also. I also teach ABA in the school district here, So I have it 24/7