So that's it

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I just let others do the smalltalk.

hurtloam, there are a fair amount of men out there who would be happy to do all the small talking for you.

That doesn't work for me, they don't say anything.

British men are really, really quiet.

Try finding a non-British one, then. The stereotype says that Americans are loud, no?

Combining responses to several posts into one:

Glad to hear that that's not a problem for you.


If I recall correctly from another thread: These rejections have always happened before you even got to the point of discussing what kind of relationship you and he would want. Is that correct?


What are the main issues you've been struggling with, apart from the dating/relationship issue? (And is there any possibility that these other issues might have impacted the dating/relationship issue?)


That's good to know.


That's probably true of most highly intellectually-oriented people, especially most highly intellectually-oriented men, not just autistic people, I would imagine (although highly intellectually-oriented people, like people who are freaky in any way whatsoever, have a greater-than-average likelihood of being autistic too).


Would her questions be less boring to you if you felt that she could understand, and that she genuinely cared and/or might be in a position to give you helpful advice, perhaps based on similar experience in her own family?

Well, nothing ever gets anywhere near close to a relationship really, so it would be inappropriate to discuss it with them.
"So guy I sort of know, what are your plans for the future? Can I ask you if you're looking for a partner way before we ever get to a point where we feel comfortable enough with each other to even go for a coffee? What do you mean this is awkard? I just want to know where our relationship is going? What do you mean you hardly know me? How am I meant to know how to proceed with you? Do you want to be just a friend or something more maybe later?"

I'm just assuming they're all commitment phobic because no one ever seems to be good enough for these guys. Maybe they're all actually shy and don't have the guts to go after the women they really want and just keep saying no to the ones they don't want. Who knows.

My friend and I did have some serious conversations about things. He is looking for someone to partner up with. Just not me.



None other than what I've mentioned on this thread. I find it difficult to bond with people. I don't have the knack for friendship.



With her? NO. I've talked to my retired friend about it and they understood and gave good advice. I think family is supposed to be something you want to talk about that's why people use it as small talk. You're supposed to say happy things about them. I have some good news about the siblings, so that keeps the conversation going.

Could do. It only seems to be American women who come over here. I can't remember the last time I met an American man.

The last time I met an American man in this country was a few years ago in China Town, he was trying to eat this rice paper uncooked straight from the pack and I told him, "I think you are supposed to cook it", then he offered me some and we both giggled!

I would ask someone IRL to tell you how you come across.

I honestly can't be bothered anymore.

Men just mess me about.

I don't see the point anymore. I don't want to expand anymore of the little energy I have on trying to find someone who doesn't exist.

I'm done... with autistics, with NTs, with Americans , with Europeans, with Brits, with all if them.

At least this way I have control. I get to say no. I get to say no more.

I've had enough.

If you do decide to give up, I hope you find a way to have a happy life despite that.

On the other hand, if you ever decide to try again, here are some ideas that I think have a very strong chance of actually working.

One big advantage of meeting someone at a support group, or something similar, is that you would have opportunities to hear about a person's life goals, including relationship goals, plus their frustrations thus far, before any kind of one-on-one social relating, much less courtship, even begins.

My suggestion would be that you not only attend a local Aspie support group, but also, concurrently with attending the support group, start your own little peer-led social group for people on the spectrum who either work in or desire to work in technical fields.

Doing so would ensure that you are surrounded by people, primarily men, who (1) are your cognitive equals more-or-less, (2) have interests in common with you, and (3) are people with whom you can also have a deeper camaraderie based on common (or at least similar) life challenges and common alienation from the rest of society.

You wrote earlier: "I'm often the person who organises the social activities amongst my friends." That being the case, you probably have what it takes to start your own little group. You could both (1) invite members from the support group and (2) promote your group independently on Meetup.com.


My guess is he met an allistic gal who was able to bond with him faster than you could.


Lots of us don't.

But I've managed to figure out ways to find friends, and eventually a longterm boyfriend, despite ongoing social disability possibly more profound than yours in some ways. So I really think you can do it.

Mona Pereth, you should start a thread with this info you've posted for me on starting a group.

I think it might be missed hidden in the haven. There may be some people it could help.

At some point (hopefully in the next few days -- I'll be very busy for the remainder of this weekend) I'll try to post a somewhat more generalized version of the above post elsewhere, probably in the women's sub-forum.

An autism-focused support group or peer-led social group as a means of finding potential romantic partners is probably a much better idea for women than for men, given the typically high male-to-female ratio of mixed-gender groups of this kind. (Men could still gain other benefits from such groups, of course, but should not go there with the specific aim of seeking potential romantic partners, in my opinion.)

Agreed on all points. On the last point: The Aspie relationship model that works for me is the opposite of the NT dating scene. You get to know someone well, THEN decide whether or not you want to have a relationship. If you decide not to date, then you stay friends. If males go into that group, that model template should be inscribed on their foreheads as a prerequisite for attendance.

@hurtloam - When you stop looking and live a life without a significant other, you will eventually encounter one. It may take a very long time, but you won't be bored while you're waiting.

That's how most of my NT friends have gotten their relationships. I want that too; I went on a few dates with a man I wasn't friends with beforehand and that put too much pressure on me... I would've wanted to get to know him properly before letting things become romantic or sexual, but apparently that was too slow for him.

I've run into NT females for whom it's too slow as well. I'll have to admit that outside the heat of the moment I find that a bit creepy.