What if I'm really a heartless psychopath?

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There were times in my life that I wished I *was* a psychopath.
Life would be easier than to have to deal with excessive emotions.

Well I mean last time I tried to kill all my emotions I almost became a neo nazi...at least you have not done that. As far as I know.

An *autistic* neo-Nazi.

Yeah it was f*****g stupid...I had PTSD from a school shooting and i was left out by the other kids in dealing with it even though I was just as messed up about it as they were. So i wanted to kill all my feelings and came to the idea that becoming a neo nazi could help with that and from there a saw a bunch of neo nazi propaganda and almost got into it. Luckily I ended up rejecting it before I got too serious with it.

But yeah cannot deny that, that part of my life happened. Also at that time I did not know I had autism I didn't find that out till I was 23. At that point I was still wondering what it was that always seemed to make me the weird kid the bullies targeted.

@Sweetleaf
You didn't delete your post about the sociopathy. It was on the first page:

And I replied...



I don't have trouble relating to other people's feelings, in fact it is one of my skills. I don't like people assuming that just because I'm on the spectrum it means I don't have the ability to relate to other people.

My daughter has misophonia and has outbursts and I do have to walk on eggshells to not upset her. But....she is sweet and deep down very innocent. You also sound like somebody who is deep down a nice person Joe so please don't be hard on yourself and don't attribute psychopathy to your behaviour just because there's a few random stories about Aspie girls going wild.

To me others are just like they are. The may look like regarding their feelings but there is nothing more to me and their feelings aren't my own concern nor do they cause me any related feelings as well. That doesn't make me a heartless psychopath. Psychopaths enjoy the bad feelings of other and I don't and I even dislike if others are suffering despite that it doesn't cause me related feelings. But I'm sometimes afraid of becoming a lot harder towards other people than I am because that wouldn't make me a better human. But do I have to be one?

Hmmm...
I was sure hating and being frustrated about emotions (of self and others, with fantasies of what 'utopia', 'power', 'what humans should be' is) and actually not having while remain functioning (on top of not caring about it, no fantasies only adapt) it are two very different things.



These 'violent female aspies' are more than likely not psychopaths.
More like, experience tells me, walking intolerant messball of stress and frustration more comparable to BPD and ADD rolled in one.

The only time I had the real power to 'redeem' myself?
It was when I had no EF issues.
My emotions and senses then, no longer an inconvenience, no longer being at it's mercy.

Too bad it lasts only for hours? Days?
A fluke in my sleep, but it brought out the me behind the dysfunction.
That's when I quit wishing having less emotions, and start wishing for a convenient body.



To sum up;
The reason why worrying about the heartless stereotype stigma doesn't resonate with me;

-Because it's unture. I even wish to be heartless and 'let me be evil'.

-People around me interprets the idea of empathy and humanity differently.
Guys from the west are weird -- how did this mess created?

Sorry I start rambling.
... I'm ending this story of mine here and out.

Does the Sertraline have any unpleasant side-effects?

(If not, then you are very lucky to have found a medication that works well for you.)

It's past 4 a.m. in California...I picked- up my husband at his place of employment around 2 a.m...He works the night shift from 6 p.m. to 2 a.m....I don't sleep much, so i came here and found this thread...It really saddens me ...To think that i could have been one of those NT wives, winning about her Aspie husband, comparing him to a psychopath...OMG!! !...How damaging can those internet sites be!! !...I refuse to access these, not even out of curiosity...I happen to have a Bachelor's in Legal Studies, and worked in the legal profession for appx. one decade...Though i admit, i worked with civil--not criminal--matters...My major did require me to study criminal profiling...And NO!! !...Rest assured that you are NOT a psychopath!! !...The mere fact that you feel bad about your past behavior within your family setting is proof that you are not a psychopath...Psychopaths have no conscience, no remorse whatsoever...Of course, i am referring to hard-core criminals...(But even they can be redeemed)...You sound more like an empath...I am glad sertraline has helped you cope better with your negative emotions...Sending you a prolonged virtual hug ...(NT, here)...