I Really Don’t See the Point...

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I could go into detail about why I don’t fear whatever may come after death even though I have no firm belief about what that is and know that if there is a heaven or something similar it is no place for me, but I’m not ready to put my thoughts on that out there for others to see and judge. Suffice it to say that what beliefs and thoughts I have about such things are... unique.

If I were to actually try to kill myself, I’m sure I’d go way overboard in an attempt to ensure success.




I probably should look for a new therapist, but I’m reluctant to give up on this one because I’ve been seeing him for years and he specializes in neurological disorders, including autism, and I know it can be hard to find a therapist who has a clue about ASDs.

Haven’t tried talking to any kind of spiritual leader or anything, I’ll consider that.

Not offended at all, no worries

^^^i hope you can prevail upon your therapist to help you more with this emotional state of hopelessness that you are in. get your money's worth out of him.

If you want seek a spiritual leader, you might want to consider a Unitarian-Universalist. I say this not to promote them, but because most of them are very open-minded and very accepting of personal beliefs and philosophies.

They are among the last people to judge your personal ideas about any afterlife or lack thereof, and the last to say you'll be "saved" from all your troubles if only you convert, follow their dogma, etc. blah, blah. (They have none.)

Not knowing what the root causes of your depression are - I can say a little about my own.

If it's psychological, like asymmetry between reason and world constantly piling up, I learned that diving into deconstruction and deflation of the images that were causing that sense of asymmetry moved it out of depression and into a sort of numbness that was at least a more functional state to operate from.

Other than that I've been giving myself plenty of vitamin D, B complex when I need it, relatively mild CBD chewables, Lion's mane whenever work or lack of sleep require it, but overall I'm using mood-neutral solutions because I remember that anytime I tried SSRI's they'd always wash out my personality to the point of dysfunction and the only thing I noticed seemed to help with depression and anxiety without messing with that too much was Gabapentin/Neurontin - which I believe in some senses the CBD behaves similarly to.

In some sense, after a few years of wracking up some rather complex trauma and seeing my personality almost rendered down to some broken circuit boards and the 'human' almost blasted off, I'm trying to figure out when will be a good time to pick up the pieces again. Lets just say when you get taken all the way down to your core things get strange, and it's a kind of strange that I'd prefer as few people as absolutely need to go through it do so.

I really want to just do it, but I don’t want to burden my family with my death

I can relate to this. Either way I feel like a burden but continuing to live is the expected burden so I don't wish to impose an unexpected burden.

It wouldn't be fair for me to ask you to continue to ensure suffering because of how I might feel over the loss but you are someone I'm fond of and I appreciate seeing your posts. I hope you're able to get a point where life feels bearable.

This might seem like a strange thing to bring up right now but looking back on the past five or six years of my life - if I didn't have esotericism and occultism as toolkits I probably wouldn't have survived or made it through the trials I had to deal with.

I was taking a walk at the local reservation about an hour ago and thinking about this a bit more. It's been clear to me, since the time I started getting into the stuff I just mentioned, that a lot of our misery comes from having too small a list of options in terms of how to face challenges, trauma, closed doors, what seem like blind alleys in life, when things get really bad you need a really strong tool kit and a profound list of options that you're aware of in order to get out the other side of it in one piece.

A great way to proxy what the value of esotericism/occultism is, even if you're as reductive materialist as the day is long, is to look at the Robert Kegan map of adult development, particularly the stages of self-authorship and beyond. This is where you take to writing your own stories and your own map rather than trusting that the world will give you road maps that you can use. We're in a time actually where prosperity is contracting, and because of that everyone is pulling up the ladders, which means that people not only won't give you accurate roadmaps (the better they can deceive you the more they can keep for themselves) but also they don't really even want you to develop at all if you seem 'different' or 'other' in any way. It's a rather quick, dirty, and nasty heuristic to sort out who gets to thrive and who gets to fall to the other side of that equation.

The game I've taken to playing is seeing how many small games (even if it's just with myself) that I can win. It might seem kitsch to trot out 'make your bed in the morning and keep your room in order', but I'd also say go on Etsy and buy beautiful nick-nacks, things that remind you on a visual basis whenever you look at them of the best in yourself, the things you care about, the things within you that you want to preserve - as well as signifying to you your own resolve to be a friend to yourself and to take care of yourself. When things get like this - that stuff is far from throwaway, it can be critical for survival. Same for getting physical exercise, eating right, and doing what you can to rarely if ever feel like your pissing away your own time (that compounds the feeling of being trapped).


Hope that wasn't too long and that it didn't get too didactic. Really its up to each person to figure out whether they want to live and how long they want to live, just that for anyone who feels like it would be a tragedy to be defeated by the chaos and abuses of life, or like they had way more to give or to contribute but landed in the wrong time or the wrong culture, it's a matter of being able create maps that you can work with and do that despite what other people are doing, what trojan horses or malware they're trying to offer, or just how good they've gotten at playing keep-away, hide the target, or whatever other passive-aggressive / passive-defensive strategies they've turned to for the sake of protecting their genetic interests.

It’s hard not to be depressed the way the world is. Wish people would stop talking it out on themselves. But anyway I’ve been feeling similar to this lately. I don’t know what the answer is. I wish you just wouldn’t blame yourself.

I really just want to watch blood pour out of me. I don’t quite have the guts to try to ensure I die (though I know exactly what I’d do if I did), but I certainly wouldn’t be trying not to die, either.

I know I should probably go back to the hospital, but I’m terrified that they’ll stick me with a roommate, which I handle very poorly at the best of times, and it sounds silly, but the only things keeping me from actually doing it are my dog and distracting myself with Animal Crossing and Pokemon, none of which I’ll have access to there.

I’m too selfish now to care whether I have any reason to live.

D&D.

Do you know the love that God has for you?

Sometimes life can be difficult. Other times the going can be good.

I don't know what to say because I have been in depression in the past though I don't want to admit to it. I am kinda numb at the moment as I feel numb, which is kinda neutral.

The future... No one knows the future though we have glimpses of it. I mention God because I know that without Him I would not be here. The times I have gone to be wreckless with my life and not cared if I lived or died, the Lord has saved me, and I have to be honest and say that I do not know how He did it as the one time it was an impossible miracle, though there have been plenty of other times when my stupidity meant that Jesus had to step in and rescue me.

I am saying this so you know that there is a future and a hope.

This earth and world. What does it have to offer on its own? Nothing without God. I am convinced of this. I realize you may not believe in God but I write to show you that there is more then just this world.
I write this because I care.

^^^tell it!

D&D, honestly I would take the help where I could get it. I understand about your dog Merlin but trust me when I say this, the distractions from those video games won't last forever. I use to play a game for distraction and played for a long time but at the end of the day I felt as crappy as I did before I ever started playing and the situation only got worse not better.

I know the potential of staying with a roommate may be scary but you never know what might happen. You might get a new friend who you can talk to in person and that understands you, or possibly meet someone in the hospital who does that. I encourage you to at least give it a second thought, you might not have anything to distract you but you could come out in a better mental state and situation where you won't need a "distraction"!