Grief

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Yeah, mostly. Only a couple very old distant relatives died from covid, others were all kinds of causes. Accidents, car accidents, a suicide, accidental drug overdoses due to tainted drugs, brain aneurysm, etc etc etc. Then there were others that died that I was aware of via friends but I didn't know the people at all/wouldn't recognize them - much like another very recent death. That's what happens when I know hundreds and hundreds of people from the beach community I hang out at - heck, maybe 1,000+ that I know even just a little by face/name. With such a large community, it's inevitable that some of them die.. but it seemed to be quite a lot of people for a stretch of time, including some family members.

There've been another few deaths quite recently, just doesn't really seem to stop. (I guess up around 30 now, but there was a long stretch of months without deaths so it's maybe not the same streak continuing.) But Life doesn't stop.. Life goes on, as they say. So, bit by bit every day I have to force myself to get back to work and life and getting things done, tasks accomplished, things cleaned up/repaired etc, get a few years worth of tax filings done blah blah blah and carry on with work, sports, learning, doing etc vs. wasting so much time sitting around online achieving sweet f**k all. People are dead, but I'm still here and have work to do and I know it - just gotta be more disciplined and get to it.

On the bright side, I'm not in the epicentre of the local opiod crisis where 6 people/day are dying in BC, most of them in the same 6 block neighbourhood of the DTES. People I know who are in that scene/neighbourhood never have a chance to recover from the trauma of the last death.. the next 6 happen Today, then the next 6 Tomorrow, and the next 6 the day after that etc. People must be just.. so numb. It's amazing how people just keep plugging along and surviving. Social workers and harm reduction workers have it particularly bad as they go through all of this shock and trauma mostly Sober vs. the people who are numbed by drugs being a little more numb to the passing of people around them. As much as a lot of people I know have died, I know it ain't s**t compared to people in that hood.. 25-30 ? That could be in a WEEK if they happened to know all the folks that OD'd daily.

I was 29 when Dad died. I still have problems to this day, even though he was an undiagnosed narcissist. Didn’t help that he died 1 week before his 53rd birthday and 2 weeks before my 30th, due to cancer of the liver.

My father died a few months ago - metastasized colon cancer. Life goes on but I’ll never just be “over it.” But I do need to get back to work and life and productivity more - no honouring him in laziness. He’d have much preferred I get to work.

A very good family friend/old neighbour just died of liver cancer a few days ago. At least when he went downhill, admitted to the hospital, and palliative it was quick - less than a week vs prolonged suffering.

Lotta death. Lotta cancer. Never enough time; always comes too soon. But reality is it’s going to come whether we’re ready or not and we never know when So we really should all make the most of this life every day we can. I don’t, most people don’t.. but it doesn’t make sense not to. Lessons from the dead I suppose.

My condolences, Goldfish.

I was wondering, but didn't want to ask.

Sending hugs.

Ooh you know 1000+ people! I can't imagine that. But yes it does mean more losses.

My extended family has only lost 4 members recently, all elderly and not from Covid so that was a relief. All just old age I think.

"They f**k you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you."

That is a poem by Philip Larkin, and it's so true. However our parents treat us and however they behave, they are still our parents and have a MASSIVE effect on our lives.

Thanks to another poster here, I only just realised that my mum has had some kind of mental/personality disorder for most of her life. Maybe narcissism or bipolar. She is never satisfied with anything, it wasn't me that was always wrong. It's just that she has some kind of disorder. This has got more pronounced as she's got older.

Thx

Sometimes think about posting a thread about the whole experience, not to mope and whine, but maybe more to just transparently share it for others to take what they will from it, possibly be better prepared for when that time comes in their family - especially those who reside in their parents’ home as I do. (My siblings do not, just me, so my experience was more direct & complete, IMO.)

I’m 41. Worked at lots of different jobs, some with a lot of people others solo. I hangout where there are several hundred+ super regulars. I know people from the gay community as well, and various communities I’ve dipped into + parties I’ve attended and others I’ve worked at + several years of bar tending + different sports I’ve done etc etc I’m not Close with 1000+ people, but know them to a degree by face, many by name, occupation/association etc.

Not hard to meet & know that many people even just a little over the decades just by being out and about in work/play/life.

A Possible Super power being able to recognize a 1000 ppl.......
Its actually alittle spooky to me to have people , my brain did not think there was adequate storage or revolence
to assign storage for the face or name . Then that same person shows up and your absolutely straining to recall them. .

I am sorry to hear of your loss, goldfish.

Hopefully you'll be able to continue managing emotionally as you seem to be doing.

*hugs*

Thx

Yeah, life needs to go on - Work needs to go on. Too many days blurred online on Facebook/wrongplanet/messenger/google etc.

Glad a friend asked if I'd drive out to the valley today to go gold panning in a river in Yale. Might also go for a 3 hour hike, might not - I barely slept, might not feel up to the hike he doesn't wanna do anyways lol I just saw it on google maps right beside and thought it'd be good exercise.

Emotionally getting easier, but I still need to Force myself to be more productive and work on my todo list And get back to work vs. burning cash. Blah blah blah. My father was very productive, not exactly honouring him by sitting around. Not exactly helping myself or my body or bank account either. I'll get back into things. Long overdue things I Should have gotten done with all this free time but still haven't. Need to force myself to do stuff. Maybe take on a small job to force myself to have an obligation (and make money) while banging through my todo list etc. Been telling myself that for a long time tho. Been a lot of deaths + other life events that were difficult/traumatic/depressing etc over the last few years. But I KNOW I don't want to "waste," the next few years just existing when there's plenty of work and progress and LIVING to do. At least I got back to kiteboarding the tail end of this season and my custom motorcycle suspension Should arrive soon for install..

Astounding that you have remained knowing all those people for all this time. I used to know lots of people but since becoming a stay at home mum and giving up on trying to make friends with fellow mums, I am at home 24/7 and just see my husband and daughter. And the odd delivery person.

I've given up on making friends, at least when I'm an old widow I'll be used to being alone. I'd rather keep to myself than get hurt over and over again by 'friends'. The last one who did that was the last straw so I don't try and make friends anymore. I've accepted that I'm an 'observer' in life, watching it go by.

Sorty to had yo deal with your loss Goldfish ..! But truley best thing you might do for yourself is to keep your mind occupied on all those things you wrote of ..the ability to do that,, will preserve you through life ...
Also perhaps not over taxing yourself might , help you stabilize after your depressing experience. IMHO.
Hope the bike parts come through for you ..Sounds like a lovely project..Hope them front end parts get a good fitment for you . ..Sleepless nights , in general, the body prefers recovery from lack of a sleep/ healing period.

I don't actively keep in touch with 1000+ people. Some I never see, others I interact with on Facebook, others I know very surface level from the beach where there are several hundred to a thousand+ regulars all Summer long that go to the beach frequently, so you get to know them by face etc. Others I might bump into once in a blue moon "Oh hey Doug, has the transmission wrenching going?" (and old bar customer was/is a transmission mechanic - he's likely retired now. Just an example.)

Don't need to keep my mind occupied.. it can be so easily occupied by nothing productive. I need to keep my idle hands busy and then focus my attention on the present moment of the task at hand and get s**t done.

Not gonna install the suspension myself. Getting a shop to do it as I have a credit there that'll more than cover the install labour - gotta pay for the parts though due to the way the shop operates I can't apply the credit towards those parts. Whatever. Anyways, it's a younger tech there that seems good - and he works beside a long time tech that is locally famous as THE guy for setting up custom/racing motorcycle suspension. I don't think they're partners (more like friendly competition working out the of the back end of the same busy shop in a sort of "barber shop," type agreement) but I'm sure he must glean some knowledge from the master. In any event, I'm looking forward to it once it's here and installed. The only project I'm gonna do is source ethanol free gas now that we can't buy it here except for at a marina. Gonna try to get it from a marina just South of the border in Washington state for a lot less money as it's nearly $11CDN / US Gallon for marine gas here now. Jerkfaces.

But still! Now you are a kind of ASD god to the rest of us by even knowing and recognising 1000+ people. And obviously they know and like you.

11 dollars a gallon...Jakki feints dead away....