People who let their sexuality define their personality.

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I just had a thought - I think that sexuality defines people for a lot of reasons, and they express it in different ways... But when people say 'letting their sexuality define them', they're referencing the stereotype, which is something that should be examined (ie - person thinking that either doesn't know LGBT well, or has a misconception).

After many many years I have come to the conclusion that I do not believe in what "sexuality" and "sexual orientation" describe and I have noticed that it makes life much easier for me. I do not feel obliged to do anything anymore. I do not have to worry how I appear to others because I cannot fit myself into the narrow disctintions of sexuality.

I think it's generally difficult to stick to a particular stereotype because it means you have to put on an act.

That's just the thing. I notice that a lot of gay guys around where I live act quite "stereotypically" gay, and dress and present themselves in a way that is very similar to the way that gay guys are portrayed in popular culture. I find it irritating. It is completely possible to be gay without representing yourself by borrowing the "gay guy image" that pop culture assigns to us. Just be yourself.

Re: ‘Just be Yourself.’

1. I can be anyone I want to be. Why restrict myself to ‘being myself’?

2. What is ‘myself’? Wouldn’t I just be creating that anyways?

3. How can I be anything but myself?


You finding something annoying is your own problem, that you should come to terms with. People seem to all want gay people to make them an easily digestible version of gayness they don't have to work too hard to tolerate, likely because gayness has some negative associations people are still uncomfortable with and havn't gotten over.

I guess that an openly flamboyant personality is mutable, like normally gay people have their own reasons for either embracing it or not avoiding it. But it isn't irrational. There's no good reasons why they shouldn't, and therefore no-one has to spend much time justifying why they like the persona.

The pros for playing up the personality is a readily available social niche that comes with opportunities to date, be social, have friends, and a template for self-depreciating humour, a community, and political causes, as well as confidence, and a voice. Basically having gay associations next to your name makes people aware that you are unapologetic and will make a space for yourself, it allows you to demand and assure respect from those who are willing to hang around you.

The only cons are stigma, harassment, negative associations, discrimination etc. Those aren't really our problem, and they'd probably follow us around whether we were excessively flamboyant or not.

There are pros for being indifferent/averting the personality, but really what it comes down to is a personal choice. It's no-one else's place to tell us what to do then suggest it's because they want us to be some preferred version of 'ourself'. It's one of those scenarios where compassion is indiscernible from judgmentalism.

My criticism was directed at those who behaved in a given way (and not just when it comes to gays) because they felt as though they *had* to. Not because they genuinely wanted to. If someone wants to behave in a stereotypically gay way because they genuinely *want* to, then I totally welcome it! I am fully tolerant and accepting of such people, and I embrace them on a regular basis because they inspire me! I actually feel *cheerful* and encouraged when I encounter such people!

I understand that I did not articulate that idea in the post of mine to which you refer. My mistake. But I made the comment because I had noticed a very strong sense among many gay guys I've met (and again, many people other than gay people) who acted in ways and followed certain trends, etc. because they felt like they had to, as if they weren't acceptable among gay people (or "cool enough" or whatever) unless they acted and dressed in a certain way. The "flamboyant" dress and behavior in these people I met was not authentic, and I can tell by the stiffness they exhibit. In other people I've met who were flamboyant, the behavior seemed authentic, and I am not irritated at such people.

I am not irritated at people acting the way they want to (for example, flamboyantly gay), but rather, at people doing things because they feel like they *have* to do them when they don't! And I think that many people would be in strong agreement! How many times do you hear people express irritation at "following the crowd?" That's where my irritation is directed- at people following the crowd out of fear- NOT at unconventional behaviors and notions that, say, right-wing-minded people would find uncomfortable.

Again, my irritation is directed at the lack of authenticity in behaviors and actions. Not the genuine embrace of, to use the example mentioned previously, flamboyant homosexuality. That's what "be yourself" means. Doing things because you want to, not because you feel like you have to.

Last edited by Magdalena on 14 Mar 2012, 3:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think this last paragraph hit it perfectly once again. LGBT people are often fighting for equal rights not just in the legal department but in everyday life, and IMHO they have every right to keep on trucking with the fight till they can discuss the same amount of things straight cisgender people often do already. I see it as a problem that a gay or lesbian person can't casually bring up their husband/wife/partner in everyday conversation to just anyone & have to be very careful & selective with who they mention to, unlike straight people who don't have to think of this at all.

I will not believe that gays and lesbians have equal rights until there area few same-sex couples at every high school prom. At that point we'll have made true progress.

I agree. I wonder if any other countries outside the USA are further ahead on this or not.

Well, it doesn't take much to be ahead of the USA. I think that public acceptance of LGBT people is pretty good in Scandinavia, although I don't know exactly how good.

In the U.S. we've had the misfortune in that the rise of the LGBT equality movement has coincided the rise of the evangelical/fundamentalist religious right, with its morbid focus on personal sexuality. The result is that it's been basically like trench warfare - after a mighty struggle a few steps forward, followed by a few steps back. Undoubtedly there has been much progress in the more liberal areas, but outside of that we don't have much to show for all the years of activism. To this day we still don't have the protection of anti-discrimination laws - basically I can be fired from my job, denied service at a restaurant, denied an apartment rental - for no other reason than my sexuality. Even those who live in the 8 states that have legalized same-sex marriage, there is no such recognition from the federal government, & the "Defense of Marriage Act" is still the law of the land.

As for countries that are further ahead than us, I can think of a few - Argentina, Canada, Iceland, Norway, Sweden, Denmark, Netherlands, Belgium, U.K., Spain, Portugal, Germany, South Africa.

I think the main problem is that many people feel the need to "belong". Otherwise they'd be comfortable just being themselves. I never wanted to be part of a specific group, which is why I never tried to fit in. Groups are exclusive, which is something I never liked.


I didn't interpret your post as you being against "flamboyant behaviour" in general, but yeah, that many people may feel obliged to behave that way. It's certainly interesting to see it as an alternative to what men are expected to behave, but if it becomes a must, it's not good.

I often feel that if I want to behave in a certain way, I am not "allowed" to do so because it does not fit into most people's view of how I am supposed to behave. If you identify as heterosexual or homosexual, often it is expected of you to behave a certain way, so people know "where to put you". I don't think people should be put in boxes. It's just not what life is about for me... This strict distinction is one of the reasons why identities that neither belong to the heterosexual nor the homosexual spectrum do not get the attention they should.

We don't have anything like a prom in Germany. I find this tradition a bit weird, to be honest. Schools should educate students, not pressure them into dating and slow dancing or try to reinforce traditional gender roles.

Yeah, it's a strange convention. I know my sister has winter proms and that already seems weird to me.

I'm glad German schools don't have proms. Except for the final prom, which I happily decided not to attend. My mother thought it was weird, but I didn't care much about her opinion on this, even though it comes off as arrogant and asocial if you decide not to turn up at the prom. Whatever. ^^ My life doesn't need proms.

As I been out of school for 11 years, I wonder if people still deck it out with tuxedos and renting limousines just to go to the high school proms in this economy. I'd hope that kind of wasteful spending on a single night that's highly restricted considering the money being spent aand how nice it's usually viewed by attendees. I'm glad my prom was very low-key as the entire school had only about 50 students. I. Wouldn't have been able to handle a traditional prom. I didn't even have a date.

I went to my school's prom when I was in school. And speaking from personal experience, all I have to say to those in Germany is that you are not missing anything! I thought school dances were sometimes entertaining (usually only when the DJ was good), but not always. And dances generally only required casual dress.

Unlike dances, proms are generally very expensive to go to. There's the admission price, then there's all the decorative crap you have to buy, such as a suit or prom dress, a corsage and often a hair-styling. Then you have to worry about transportation because the prom is usually not held at the school itself- mine was a 40-minute drive in each direction!! !

And the best part? You're at the same event with a bunch of other people who regularly bully or sneer at you every school day. After all, it's their school too. It creates quite the uneasy social atmosphere, and distracts from your ability to enjoy the event in general.

So a prom is, to sum up: expensive, a lot of effort, tense, and awkward, even if you're with friends.

Me and two or three friends went together and we found that we could've had just as much fun throwing a less-expensive party (or gone somewhere/done something memorable like a two-day vacation) without the proximity of bullies, etc. that was twice the fun, less stressful, and more memorable.

Proms are generally only meaningful if you're traditional, one of the "popular" kids, or in the same clique as one of the "popular" kids.

If you connect on a 'spirit' level, package is irrelevant be same sex or opposite sex. What i would love to be able to do is recognise the signals of someone interested in me or that they were not interested in my forwardness because i really cant tell if someone is gay or lesbian though some conversations may suggest, i miss all of that so i make a good cigar store indian, stonefaced. Because i think i am so odd, i likelwise feel i dont fit anyplace so far.