The Quigley Quigelson Memorial: R.I.P.

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When I was hiding in John Lennon's suitcase during the Mitsubishi days in India in the 60's, I stumbled upon an ancient Indian woman. Unfortunately, she was undressing at the time and her husband, a wise and powerful lawyer, slapped a restraining order and a curse on me. The curse of great natural talent. Now, no matter what I do, I am cursed with being the best at everything. It is a hard life, harder than you will ever understand. And I am good looking as well. So you know, I have to juggle that as well. It's a 24 minutes a day, 2 days a week, maybe 3 weeks a year job, so it is quite demanding. If there are other people out there who struggle with being perfect, there's a support group that really helped me it's called the National Bank. When i'm feeling bad about being so brilliant I go there and make a withdrawal from one of my numerous million dollar accounts and it makes the pain go away.

I'm so lonely on the inside... sigh...

Quagley here. I believe I have reached the pinnacle of my career. I got a Latin Grammy award from Ricky Martin’s house. What could I do? He was practically giving them all away. Any ways, to cut a short story long, I’ve decided to write a serious rock opera about my real life story. It will be in 217 parts and will take me approximately 43 years to finish it. Unless I get bored with it…

It’s called…

MR ROCKON AND THE EVIL XENON CREATURES FROM PLANET ZED

(Dimly lit stage. Spotlight on me amidst the blackness with a guitar I rented from Radio Rentals. Fog pours out over the set.)

(wah-wah pedal)

In the beginning
Back in zero BC
A hero was born
And his name was… ME!! !

(extra bright lights burst on, white light everywhere till eye sockets burn out. The main set is of an ancient Greek temple. Lambda Lambda Lambda fraternity.)

(new section is upbeat)

I was around when Socrates was only just getting his diploma
I was there when Alexander the Great was just a straight fella
And I was there when Genghis Khan liberated Vichy France
Because history is nothing to me
I’ve seen it all and it’s seen me
And now we’re gunna live
Now we’re gunna live
For ETERNITY!

(ossie osbourne comes out mumbling ‘sharon’ aimlessly and bites the head off a bat. Security tackles him to the ground and quickly ejects him from the stadium)

(new set is of the ancient pyramids. I (me) am the giant sphinx, getting a nose job done.)

(new section is disco-ey)

I was there in ancient Egypt and single-handedly whipped the slaves
I was there in those early days of the minimum wage
And though we might look back now
And gloat about our industrial reform
The Evil Xenon Creatures from Planet Zed
Are just a bunch of communists!

(set burns to the ground, arson suspected, set changed to outer space, with me (that’s I) attacking a giant spherical space station with a giant laser called the ‘Kill Planet’)

(music is sci-fi with a dash of the monster mash)

I was working in my starfighter late one night
When a Xenon battle army gave me a deathly fright
And unexpectedly in front of my eyes
The giant laser beam began to fry!

(a death, dumb and blind kid comes out of nowhere and starts the destroying the ships with his Pinball class space fighter)

Hey, Pinball THX-1138,

What are you? What? What? What? What?
What are you? What? What? What? What?
I really wanna know!

(the death, dumb and blind kid goes in and blows up the ‘Kill Planet’, causing me (myself) to scream out in terror)

no.

(set change, underwater, stolen from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea according to the Disney corporation. I (him) is fighting a giant squid (they))

Squid, the two of us need look no more
We’ve both found what we’ve been searching for?
With a friend to call my own
I’ll never be alone
And you my squid will see
You’ll have a tentacle in me

(the giant squid starts crying black ink. The stage is flooded. Time for the big musical combo number with giant tightrope walking elephants)

So I saved the Earth again…
Wah—oooh
All in a day’s work
Wah—ooh
It’s just what I do…
Wah—ooh
I get health care benefits…
Wah—oog
So if you need me again…
Wah—ughh
Just give me a call
Wah—oh
And I’ll be here any time
Yah—oo
Day or night… eastern standard time

(chorus line comes out, high kicks and low skirts (kids under 18 escorted from the stadium at this time))

(fireworks, diseased monkeys, flame throwers, sword swallows, wallet pinchers, fade to black with smoke alarms going off)

End Act 1 (of 217)

Well if You say. I don't know what to believe.

You are though a BRIGHT BEACON.

And can make ME LAUGH.

A bright beacon? Oh my heart swells in a pool of golden sugaroil. That's oh so sweet.

I've finally made my way to Hollywood. Finally, I'm in a real city with genuine down to earth people. I saw a guy the other day with a sign on him that said "Will Work For Lead Role", that's commitment. That's why I came here. To be exploited and have my skills thrown out into the harsh light of day. The Hollywood sign is rather big, though when I first went to it, I came from the other direction so I thought I was in "DOOWYLLOH", the Hungarian amusement park. Any how, I've finally got work in film and I hope I will get one of those little bald naked men with swords come next year. I'm working on a remake of Stephen King's THE SHINING. The story is now one about a struggling writer who becomes a foster father for a really unique kid. So it's all that touchy feely crap that women are suckers for, so you know it'll make billions.

Any howdy, here's the theme song:

Shining Light

I just checked in
At the Overlook Hotel
Trying for a seachange
Though we’re not near the ocean anyways
I brought my family
For some rest and relaxation
While I type away day and night
Writing my great American plight
Yes its quite a simply story
About a man named Jack Torrance
All he did is work work work
And that made him a dull jerk jerk jerk
But there’s some strange things a-happening
Just listen to Mr Turkle
That little boy Danny talks to his finger
Whilst most kids like to pick their nose with it and…

We’re Shining our way all over the USA
Cause it’s you and me and a family
Stuck alone in this great big place
Might make someone go insane…

Danny on his little trike
Riding through the great big halls
Might see two pommy twins
He’s a ladies man that little kid
And Wendy’s all alone
That Jack’s a workaholic
Throwing his tennis ball around
And consorting with ghost barmen now
Jack has got an axe
He smashing down all the doors
Yelling out “Here’s Johnny…” yeah
No sight of Ed McMahon
And taking a little wander
Through a frozen garden labyrinth
That Jack’s just so obsessed
He just might freeze to death

We’re Shining our way all over the USA
Cause it’s you and me and a family
Stuck alone in this great big place
Might make someone go insane…

I have some sad, sad, sad (sad!! !) news. I was booted out of Hollywood for exposing myself in public. I tried to explain to the police that it was my birthday and I was wearing my favourite birthday suit, but they just wouldn’t listen. I felt like Rodney King. Except, no one videotaped me. I don’t think so… any how, I’ve had to leave LA and I’m embarking on a series of gigs to keep me out of bankruptcy. My new manager, Leveticus Blacks, is organising my comeback tour, going to be called “PLEASE, I’M NEARLY A HOBO”. I hope to be able to play in sell-out shows worldwide. I went to a psychic the other day and they said I would be coming into a great amount of money soon. Unfortunately, I walked in front of an Armoured Guard bank van. Any how, I’m finally out of hospital and the lawsuit came out in my favour and I got a big cash settlement, enough to buy some studio time to record my new single. I know you will enjoy just as much as I enjoy taking money from you when you buy the CD.

It’s called… TWENTY-ONE THINGS I DON’T WANT IN A LOVER

Do you wait at least a week before having your next shower?
Do you stick your tongue in sockets to knock out all the power?
On relatively cool days does sweat cause you to stick to your seat?
Do you have a hidden basement filled with insects you like to eat?
Are you picking your nose right now and eating it?
Or are you storing it in your basement for a later treat?

These are 21 things I don’t want in a lover
Not necessarily things I hate more so stuff that freaks me out
These are 21 things I don’t want in a lover
If you do even one then I think you might need counselling

Does your idea of a good read consist of the McDonalds menu?
Do you love the taste of gasoline poured over your fondue?
Do people often stare at you for daring to come out in public?
Are half the poems that you know just smutty dirty limericks?
Do you avoid asking the doctor from cutting out your goitre?
Because it’s a talking point at fancy get-togethers

These are 21 things I don’t want in a lover
Not necessarily things I hate more so stuff that I can live without
These are 21 things I don’t want in a lover
If you do even one then I think you might need to get out of my house

Can you eat a tub of lard in a single serving?
Can you spell out the entire alphabet whilst you are burping?
Do you throw yourself in front of cars just to claim insurance?
Do you dispose of illegal aliens in your basement furnace?
Do you practice Satanism or scientology?
Or are you a member of the Amish society?

These are 21 things I don’t want in a lover
Not necessarily things I hate more so stuff that makes me terrified
These are 21 things I don’t want in a lover
If you do even one then I think you might need to be sterilized

Do you drive around in summer chasing Mr Whipee?
Do you go to funerals just to pick up distraught members of the family?
Do you connect the dots using the acne on your face?
Are you related to George W Bush in any way?
Is your pet stuffed and you blame him for farting?
Are you waiting for the governor to give you a pardon?

These are 21 things I don’t want in a lover
Not necessarily things I hate more so stuff that freaks me out
These are 21 things I don’t want in a lover
If you do even one then I think you might need counselling

I made my way to New York on Charter Bus, although the driver didn’t see my stuck under the grill for about ten miles, so I think he let me ride for free out of sympathy. New York is amazing although the fruit is of an average size, so I think that’s a sales gimmick. The statue of liberty is pretty big though, much bigger than they make out in the postcards. I had always thought it was two inches tall. Anyhow, Broadway is great. I got the lead role in an upcoming production of Cats II: The Meowening. Anyhow, it got cancelled but the producers liked my talent so much that with a simple investment of $5000 they’re going to make my story into a musical. It’s about a young man struggling with emotions who becomes a silicon valley success story before losing it all in the bubble burst and then becomes addicted to hardcore drugs. It’s a feel good family-friendly story. I call it GILL BATES: THE UNTOLD STORY (TOLD NOW). Here is the theme song from it.


BILLIONAIRE$ THEME

When I was seventeen
All the cool kids went out partying
But I stayed inside my basement lair
Programming all the computers down there
But every now and then
When I think back on those days
I’m glad I choose the way of the nerd
Rather than scoring with hot cheerleaders

I have a billion dollars in my bank account
I could buy and sell your sorry ass
My house has three Jacuzzis and a helipad
Whilst the former football captain
Mops up all the vomit
Down in Coney Island
With his dad

I made my first million
At the age of twenty two
Selling my specialised software
To mega-rich corporate men
I spent it all for just one night
With the former school captain’s wife
I must admit she sucked in bed
Luckily though I videotaped it

I have a billion dollars in my bank account
I could buy and sell your sorry ass
My house has three massage lounges and a helipad
Whilst the former school principal
Has to eat all his food
Through a small plastic tube
In his caravan

I finally checked my stocks
It’s been the first time in a year
Wanted to see if they were still performing solid
So I could produce another film in Hollywood
In the paper I read
About my crooked accountant who fled
To the Canary Islands with my entire savings account
And left me owing a large tax amount

I had a billion dollars in my bank account
I could have bought and sold your sorry ass
My house is up for auction by the IRS
Whilst I’m stuck in prison
With a cellmate name Butch
He hugs me an awful lot
There goes my sorry ass…

I am writing this from my hospital bed in Palm Springs. During a male modelling contest, a tripped on my final turn on the catwalk and took out several fashion journalist and sprained my ankle in the process. My lawyers have advised me that I am suffering from serious emotional trauma and will be disabled for the rest of my life. I mean, that’s terrible. Good looking people like me can’t be disabled, it’s against nature. Luckily my friends in the industry are banding together behind me and are going to throw together a concert to raise money for my hospital room service bill. The concept was created by millionaire rock singer Vladimir Punski, who was also behind the “Save The Starving Children in Bel-Air” campaign. Here’s a billboard that’s running conjunction with non-stop TV commercials.



We are also releasing a CD featuring celebrities such as Bob Splungy and that unfunny guy from Full House. The track is called: “What Do They Know of Crutches?” and it’s a nice sexy slow ballad.


WHAT DO THEY KNOW OF CRUTCHES?

There’s people dying
Children crying
As the world tears itself apart
But reach down deep
Into your heart
And grab your wallet
And your credit cards

What do they know of crutches?
I’ve got a sprained ankle
I’m limping like a hobbit
In pain like John Wayne Bobbit (what else rhymes with Hobbit?)
What do they know of crutches?
I’m stuck here watching TV
And getting back massages
With frequent happy endings

I can no longer walk
It’s really quite annoying
I’m so deformed
I can’t get any employment
So just give a few dollars
To someone who truly needs it
And in return
I’ll release a brand new CD
All profits of course
Will go to charity
The Fund to Heal
Disabled Celebrities
Like me...[/quote]

Quigley... the bell tolls for thee.

As the news circles around the internet, we have all become aware that Quigley Quigelson has passed away. John Edwards, the psychic guy, told me he's in a better place now and he's with a good friend there, someone starting with an S.. or a T... possibly Tim... or a Tammy.

Any how, this thread shalt be a shrine to the two deceased identical twins who shone so brightly, yet so shortly.

THE FINAL POST


And for the last time we will hear that wonderful voice of Quigley that penetrated our minds, souls and bodies. This fragment of song is the last known to be written by the artist, only minute before his unfortunate demise. Using laser and ULF technology, we have been able to piece it back together and present it here for the last time. Originally written about his brother Quagley and his grief of that loss, the names have been changed out of respect for the deceased.


So, here is the final farewell of musical geniuses Quigley and Quagley Quigelson, identical twin brothers and the lyrics to:



QUIGLEY'S UNFINISHED SYMPHONY


A long, long time ago… on a wrong planet not so far away
Lived a boy who made me dance
And I knew if I could ever smile
It’d be because I was in his pants
Cos’ baby I’d be happy for quite a while
As he sang he made me quiver
With a voice so smooth it delivered
Better than Barry White
On a cold and lonely night
But one day I couldn’t get out of bed
I cried about what I had read
On a web forum for those with AS
Quigley had dropped dead…

So… why, why did I marry this guy?
He’s just a decomposing body that I snatched in the night
And my freezer’s now full, as he’s five foot nine
I’m just a Frozen Corpse’s Bride
Just a Frozen Corpse’s Bride

He wrote me a book of love
I was ‘Touched By An Angel’ from above
A bible of Rock and Roll-a
Would you ride his Ark just like Noah?
Or free your inner-slave like Moses?
He’d shower your American Body in roses
Well who isn’t in love with him?
For a corpse he’s still mighty fit
But the smell can get to you
Some Glen Twenty though will do
We’d go for romantic picnics in the park
I’d fight off buzzards by throwing rocks
And into the sunset, we’d walk off
I’m a Frozen Corpse’s Bride
I started thinking…

Why, why did I marry this guy?
He’s just a decomposing body that I snatched in the night
And my freezer’s now full, as he’s five foot nine
I’m just a Frozen Corpse’s Bride
Just a Frozen Corpse’s Bride

Now for three days he’s been officially dead
And all the police have started wonderin’
What happened to his body?
A statewide search is happening
Massive TV coverage
Even on crappy ABC!
And whilst the cops were searching homes
We had fled out on our own
In a stolen Ice-Cream truck
So I could keep him cold enough
We finally stopped in a trailer park
With inbred hicks in pickup trucks
Unfortunately they all had shotguns
I’m just a Frozen Corpse’s Bride
I started pleading…

Why, why did I marry this guy?
He’s just a decomposing body that I snatched in the night
And my freezer’s now full, as he’s five foot nine
I’m just a Frozen Corpse’s Bride
Just a Frozen Corpse’s Bride

Now I was on trial for my very own life
I was called the crazy Corpse Stealing Wife
On every channel and in newspapers
A headline about The Necrophiliac Rapist
Some tried to even save us
Court costs by trying to pay us
For the exclusive rights to my story
And turn it into a TV movie
Well I told them… all to shove it
All I wanted was my own husband
So one night when my guard was half asleep
I landed a steel bar across his cheek
And managed to grab my cell keys
I’m just a Frozen Corpse’s Bride
I started escaping…

Why, why did I marry this guy?
He’s just a decomposing body that I snatched in the night
And my freezer’s now full, as he’s five foot nine
I’m just a Frozen Corpse’s Bride
Just a Frozen Corpse’s Bride

Once again I was on the run
Fingers on the triggers of their guns
I made the FBI’s Top Ten wish list
So poor Osama you’re out of luck
You’re just not that much of a psycho nut
So long and thanks for all the fish
I have a new date with destiny
Going to dig back up my old hubby
Broke into a hardware place
To steal a shovel that was ace
And off I rode into the night
To a cemetery with such delight
But there I saw an awful sight
The law was waiting all right…

So for fifteen years I’ve been locked away
In a prison cell from the light of day
Just waiting for some good news
The parole board said I was ‘all okay’
Rehabilitated in my brain
No threat to society too
But now that I’ve been released
I just can’t seem to find my peace
His body had been cremated
And stored in a secret location
So now I’m wondering what to do
Cos’ I’m feeling a bit cuckoo
Wait a sec… didn’t his twin brother also die too?
That fat Quagley guy…
I started digging…

Why, why did I marry this guy?
He’s just a decomposing body that I snatched in the night
And my freezer’s now full, as he weighs two sixty nine
I’m just another Frozen Corpse’s Bride
Just another Frozen Corpse’s Bride


THE END

We were forced to endure the untimely death of Quagley Quigelson who choked on a hamburger
We were forced to endure the death of his much more talented and skinnier twin brother Quagley

Now we face the toughest challenge


Quigelson Boredom

So sorry to see You so bored Quigelson.

I hope everything will be alright soon.

We were young once and the pressures of the world seemed so few...

Where are the Rebels dead? In the heart or in the head?