I don't want to live anymore

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^Jakki has some good advice about hobbies.

How are you doing today Smudge?

So it is!

There's nothing concrete I can help you with, Smudge, I'm very sorry. But it's true that we care for you, I'm always glad to see you posting and I love your sense of humour

I was in a similar situation to yourself, so know how soul destroying and life crushing it all is.

Societal circumstances hardly help.

It had to take huge financial help for me to start fresh and anew.

How far and how much would it take for you to be able to escape your situation? i.e. Move out, not purchase lethal drugs online.

my one and only experience with a purchase for the darker corners of the web
woild have been a antibiotic for myself and a serious infection, had me buy
200 USD in google play cards and give him the numbers online . Which i did and they promptly disappeared afterwards . Google play cards are not traceable once the numbers are activated by any person,, This goes on with a buncha gift card type things available at your local market .Must be a reason the dark web
is called dark. just a FYI never saw the antibiotics .

I've never used the dark web, or purchased drugs online.

The financial help came from various legal sources, as well as settling personal and private concerns.

Do you know places where I can get the money and/or guarantors?

smudge, sorry to hear about the move.

I try to think back to the times where it's felt like life had stuck a knife in me and was twisting, and I've been there.

If anything got me through that sort of thing it was setting the decision to bring it all in, process it, process the implications, process what hurt about it, ie. it was definitely about sitting with what bothered me, meditating, occasionally banging on my brain with a wrench (psychedelics or self-hazing, sometimes both at the same time!) but the idea was that my response was always me pulling the problem into myself and trying to get myself to where I could proact rather than react.

I think one of the worst feelings is when the outside world is 'doing to' you, you know that to a large degree its red in tooth and nail, and you feel like everything in yourself that you value is on the cutting block. Sometimes that later feeling, ie. that what's valuable in you has to be degraded or smashed to survive, even persists if and when you bring things in and try to process them simply because you find yourself trying to survive an environment where you're surrounded by people with dark triad traits and it's like a human child got forced to live with wolves.

I'd be lying if I said it was going to be easy - I have no idea and I highly doubt it. The most valuable thing you have is self-reference and the ability to triangulate the heck out of this thing until you've got it fully processed and until then be as patient with yourself either as you need to be or as you can afford to be depending on external circumstances.

It depends where you have already tried.

What worked for me may have not worked out for you.

…

Well, would you please tell me what worked for you?

The way I see it, you're going to die someday anyways, so what's the rush? You might as well ride it out.

^ that's actually a great flip of the usual 'life is so _____ may as wll die' thought that im sure not just I get.

Plus we are dead longer than alive so any issues currently are dwarfed in comparison to how long we get to be free of those issues later.. Idk whether that helps you but it does me.

insightful .......... , merely by the grace of Gawd am still here ,, still wonder if it was merely someones idea of a practical joke ?

Quote from a very old and dear friend