Not much to say but too much to think about.

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I could be out on my ass after this internship in a month & I'm expected to be eating some nice pie as if the sky isn't falling.

My aunt's cranberry pie is really awesome but I'm not much for sugar & I should be writing my resumé with a joint in my mouth so I don't get dragged into the loony bin yet again.

I'm a very simple person with the exception of doing applied math for a living as a software geek. I don't want this tendency toward extremes constantly shifting me away from people who actually care about me just because we fail to understand each other.

(WARNING trigger past dysfunctional coping mechanism) So that's why my job search isn't moving forward. I haven't found my "pacifier". In the old days I would cut. I'm committed to not doing that these days but haven't found a reliable way to get past the anxiety other than to avoid it, or have hours and hours of uninterrupted time and complete relaxation which is seemingly unrealistic - although not impossible. Hmmm, I'd like to find a moderate way. I'm too cheap and afraid of the hassle of prescribed and nonprescribed medicines. I haven't quite got my arms around meditation. There are adult-sized pacifiers and although I am sure my fingernails would be longer as a result, I wonder that I would get lockjaw like I did when I used gum. Maybe limited gum use would be sustainable and could help me get a job. Honestly, since I am new to ASD (and had deluded myself), I have yet to navigate how much to be "myself". Is gum going to help there?

CBD gummies are doing well for me considering my whole family just dodged a chimney fire at my aunt & uncle's house. It started in the wall by the ash trap. It's somewhat strangely reassuring considering the magnitude of crazy s**t I've been through before that I can still get some laughs out of my family with this going on. I'm terrified of the pharmaceutical industry but they've managed to hold my anxiety down decently enough that I'll eat some of their pills if the side effects aren't too perceptible. I wouldn't ever claim for even a second that some drug or some legal ultimatum about drugs made me a better person, that's purely the doing of my friends & family, if I don't count decades of study.

I've been zombified by the psychiatric *industry* before. I have very pronounced bad reactions to most of their drugs & they're shoving them down people's throats instead of de-escalating any real problems for the most part. They don't give a damn about anything but money in those hospitals. I'm less scared to die than to go to the doctors', lest they refer me. I've heard people I met personally being forcibly restrained & injected with drugs against their will. That industry is totally out of control & it is all about buying some corrupt doctors their next Porsche. They're medically experimenting on unwilling subjects on our own dime without a clue about moral grounding. The same people who label me "drug addict" make their living hooking me on more expensive drugs.

Being as abnormal as I am can help others but rarely me. I guess I'm rambling now but maybe this explains where I'm coming from. Damn it all I Porsches anyway & I'll buy a faster one than those litigious f***s one day.

Gummies! I'd have to be careful there. I inadvertently popped two Vitamin D gummies the other day. Forgot I'd already had one that day until the other one was half way down.

Right there with you, after a surgery I was OD'd on morphine due to a nurse who may have wanted me "quiet" and then threatened with injection to calm down. Nobody admitted they'd OD'd me of course... I figured that out years later.

At least my psychiatrist was aware of my sensitivities and the experience wasn't so awful (how much of the functional depression was circumstances, ASD "masking", versus the drugs, who knows).

I won't bother listing all the terrible stuff I realized the magnitude(s) of after the fact. By the numbers however it's relatively surprising that I'm alive. I think the American medical establishment is lying to itself about how dangerous certain drugs are out of convenience, greed & half-baked pseudoscience. There is no such thing as a living human brain we can study without consequences. I've been an unwilling research subject, reason being there was never any proper research conducted regarding any psychiatric practice; they drag people into hospitals in restraints & lock them up until they decide we're sufficiently drugged. These people lit a fire under me that no one cares to extinguish & it's all under the guise of being helpful.

It makes me sad to point fingers this way but the truth hurts. Our whole society is delusional & we blame that on the people it hurts the most, then we drug them into complacency because again, the truth hurts too much for mental health professionals to confront it in an open dialogue. I live with a mental health professional as a roommate. They're struggling as much or more than I am, probably from their own mental afflictions & I've got nothing. I'm not even allowed to help. I'm subhuman as far as she's concerned, because that's what her college education basically told her.

A few Christmases ago I was stuck convulsing on the floor where I'm sitting now, under the tree with heavy metal poisoning from lithium carbonate.

My life is going to be difficult enough next month even if I weren't worried about pharmaceutical megacorps decimating my pathetic net worth of $40,000. It's meaningless to them, as is my work, my life, my physical health & people I love. I'll be telling my psychiatrist all of this, reading it verbatim - I feel that the medical establishment as a business amounts to a threat on my life. I've almost been homeless before & I can see those cogs in motion again.

It's times & places like these which remind me I'm more or less forbidden from being honest about my thoughts.

I'm at the dismal realization that my life may have been too difficult in too strange a manner to share with much of anybody anymore.

For what it's worth I'm out for a beer with my same roommate (she's a therapist for kids) & our other friends, I just get freaked out worrying about the negative influences behind any one of us

It's a nice night though.

I'm doing OK considering I'm panicked over my lack of social skills & missing some other friends as a result. I'm really tired of backing away from people who love me when our expectations are out of whack. We have to take our time with everything. ASD is really damn difficult.

My insomnia will be the death of me. I'm out of sync with everyone.

My AS-like mom "does" that. Awake when others sleep, sleeps when others are awake. She thinks that having more sunshine would help "correct" the situation, but I think for her it's more about avoidance. I don't need to avoid others to avoid my issues, I am delusional (I hide my difficulties too well, even from myself … indefinitely or until I meltdown).

Two more days of 2019. I have one goal for entering the 2020 New Year: clean off the dining room table. I may just pile everything on a chair, but I will have the table clear!

(It occurs to me it would be nice to have more of the house clean, but as I said I am good at pushing that out of mind, or so I think... ah, ha, ha, haaa.)

This thread brought up some incredibly deep points.

I feel that I'm not the only one guilty of being avoidant in my situation.

I'm having deja vu, e.g. as if your comment was there earlier and then there again later.

I could happily avoid my hardships for many years and decades. Really, why do we have to deal with these things? Oh, except there'd by that underlying anxiety and moments of deep depression that would just keep building. Darn.

I am so happy when I am not worried about things. Problem is that nobody believes I have difficulties (the more upset I am the bigger my smile gets). My AS-like BFF (who rarely feels joy or despair) says I need to work on my resting b---- face.

I never know if I should call anyone.

I never know the right time.

BTDT -Been There DOING That. I am in need right now and really want to contact a particular friend, but I only contact her when I am in need (of course) - as she could do with me, but wouldn't b/c she's NT - and so I know it will seem particularly selfish, and …. harrumph. I suppose the NT thing would be to simply ask to "catch up" even though I know I have a need... oh, wait, an NT would have caught up periodically ... geez. I did send two texts yesterdays to let folks know I had them in mind. I'm getting to that time in my cycle were I am hormonally motivated to socialize.

Maybe self-improvement is a waste of energy considering that it's probably going to be ignored on the basis of my ASD.

All I know is that I'm too out of touch with everyone to tell.