I've been suicidal

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Dear babybird, I'm so sorry. So, so sorry.

What is a bad person? What makes a person bad?

Sometimes people make crap choices when they're exploited or manipulated or backed into a corner. That's not being bad, christ.

Sometimes people are unpleasant because they're approaching a limit, or they have to walk away from stuff they wouldn't choose to. That's being human.

When I was working as a transcriptionist I was really shocked at first to see lawyers deliberately triggering trauma or a sense of powerlessness so that people would react in ways that discredited them. It made me so furious. Yes, you can push someone till they break; but is that really how you want to win your case? (Yes, is the short answer, often.)

Once someone has been pushed to that point once, someone who knows what they're about can get them there again. And there are people who do.

*That* is *bad*.

I am so, so sorry your heart's been broken.

What you describe *is* hell. That is hell, babybird.

I'm so sorry you've felt violated and ashamed.

The thing that hurts you is the thing that is bad and awful, not you. You are good, mate.

It's tragic that you have had to deal with this.

Are your lights on for you now? Have nice things, please.

Yeah I'm getting my lights back now and thank you

It's good to have your own thread you can use to rant or just pour your heart out in. That always helps me too. It's like a safe space (or it should be) and it also feels good to be able to share with others.

Thank you

To be honest I hate this thread and I wish it had never been necessary to make it

But it has helped
It's helped me to find some clarity and peace in my mind so it has served its purpose for me

I hate people to know what's happening with me when it comes to matters of the heart. I feel like I've had to strip myself naked in public in order to get this lot out of me

I hope I never ever have to make a thread like this again
It's been the most difficult time for me
I've not even been able to tell anyone the stuff I've said here so this thread will hopefully get washed away with the others and I hope I never have to come back to it again

I can rant all over this forum about my day to day stuff

This was different

Not wise... just been there as well.
Statistics... quite a lot of the people on here have.

Think about same age. Psychological issues were handled differently.
Also about 30 years ago (bit more, between 92-95) had a 'talk' with someone who just sat with me when he noticed I had separated myself from the party for a bit. The only thing he said was he knew what went on in my head. Braced myself for the usual 'life will get better' speech but he didn't. All he said. Weddingparty of his best friend and my uncle, didn't really know each other a lot. No idea how he knew.
Before that, somebody had told grandfather I was thinking about suicide and he did point out I shouldn't even talk about it. Would be hard for the family business. 'They' would lock me up. So I did stop talking about it. That was how we dealt with family issues. He wasn't really a bad person but he was wrong. Badly wrong.
Not that long ago (about 10 years) they did lock me up for a bit. Mostly forced me to talk. Lots of stuff we don't talk about. I am still trained and conditioned to say I am fine. "don't talk about it". Many therapists are ok with that, "if you say so". Only one "wouldn't be here if you were" but difficult to talk about stuff that makes you 'weird' when trained to act normal and shut up.
Belgium is in the top of the world concerning suicides (have to be good at something) and indeed, our official stand is still 'do not talk about it' (only for people thinking about it is 'talk to us, nobody else') and press is tight to strict rules (it would encourage people to try the same). If train announces a 'delay due to person accident' everybody knows, certainly if no accident later in news. Sometimes regional. Pigeon s**t on railways reaches national news. So bad and obvious it is a very dark running joke.
Talk about it. Scream if you have to. You are allowed.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience here and I'm so sorry you have been silenced

You're right of course, if someone breaks a nail it's like a major disaster but if someone is suffering with suicidal thoughts then you're expected to keep it to yourself.

For me it feels like it's the end of my life And I still don't know if it is but that's because of the voices but I know that I will fight the suicidal thoughts and that is all I know

You come here anytime you like and talk about it

Lots of love

And also @MartineRomy: it's like as if the reputation of a family business is worth more than your life

That's f*****g appalling mate

I'm so sorry

I like the parts of this thread where I've been told that what I'm feeling is normal. That means so much to me because it's so easy for me to lose reality sometimes so "this is normal" brings me back to reality

My therapist does that as well

Talking of braking nails; I sliced right through my thumb nail when I was chopping cabbage the other day and that was like a major disaster

Well I was getting into a good rhythm

The way you say things, as well as what you say, is very wise, I think.

In my late teens I was at the 'banging the head against the brick wall' stage of a trauma response and I was told if I spoke about certain stuff I'd be locked up. That was and remains a plausible threat - over the years I've known people and seen it. It's been a recurring fear.

I compartmentalised pretty well, but a few years ago it erupted and I was in crisis. They didn't lock me up. But people interpreting things about me, and getting it wrong, and it not mattering at all that they'd got it wrong because they were the ones with the voice - I was talking about things I didn't talk about, trying to explain it, in the end sort of pleading for understanding, and at the same time discovering that I'd lost the right to say for myself who I was, what I was experiencing. That was unpleasant. I found it dehumanising.

Anyway, in amongst that there was a doctor who said to me, "You're a couple of decades early." She said it usually takes a bit longer for stuff to bubble up to the surface. Although I think there might be a few other ways to interpret that delay.



Yes.



I've been conscious of this and (please believe) really, really sorry about it.

I should have said before: you can always tell me to bugger off. I take zero offense. I am not hurt.

I don't like to cry in front of other people but I had a boyfriend who wanted to hold me when I was sad. Which is probably normal. But I never forgave him for wanting vulnerability from me. I wanted to say: that's not what you get, mate.

We should get to choose.

So.. it's a crying shame. Wish it were otherwise. Do what you've got to do, toss a match in and walk away at the end.

...oh no your poor thumb!!

I hate the thread because it's not a thread I would ever have expected to have to make

i feel like I've had to resort myself to making it

I suppose I just needed to express in my own language, in my own way what's been going on with me lately

I'm totally blown away by all the responses and well wishes and warmth that I received from it. I would never have expected that either

And I do feel clearer after having expressed it all so it has done the trick

I understand, but if it's been helping you then I'm pleased about that.

Its good when therapy works innit